A Long Ass List Of Folks Who SHOULD NOT Look At The Eclipse Today. Dammit, Eric Trump, What's Wrong With You?


Today's the day! The sun is going to LITERALLY DISAPPEAR FROM THE SKY, and this task will be completed by the IlluminatiHillary Clinton Beyoncé science. And Beyoncé probably somehow, but you never can be too sure. It may be too late for you to read this in time, as you are probably camped out on the side of the road somewhere along the strip where the eclipse makes everything "whoa dark," as opposed to "still pretty fuckin' dark, honestly." But just in case, this is a public service announcement for some of the dumber public figures among us, who might have never heard that you're not supposed to look at eclipses because YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE SUN, YOU IDIOT.

We do hope they heed our warning (honestly! this is not some liberal gotcha about how wingnuts might do it just because science nerds said not to ... OR IS IT?), because you only get one set of peepers, son.

Scroll down and see if you're dumb enough to be included in Wonkette's list:

  1. Eric Trump, seriously, for the last time, you can't look directly at it. Stop it!
  2. Donald Trump Jr. Hey look, random Russians! On the eclipse! Just look at it! FOOLED YOU, DO NOT LOOK AT IT.
  3. Donald Trump The Older
  4. Paul Ryan
  5. Mitch McConnell
  6. Steve Bannon
  7. Stephen Miller
  8. Sebastian Gorka. The era of the pajama boy may be over on the sun, but Jesus, you fucking Nazi, EYES OFF.
  9. Jill Stein
  10. Sarah Palin
  11. Bristol Palin
  12. Todd Palin
  13. Aunt Carol Palin if that family has an Aunt Carol. She's probably dumb.
  14. Michele Bachmann
  15. Alex Jones
  16. Mike Pence
  17. Steven Mnuchin
  18. Jefferson Butterscotch Sessions XVIII
  19. Tom Price
  20. Ben Carson. And don't try to stab the eclipse either, Dr. Carson.
  21. Rick Perry
  22. Betsy DeVos
  23. Erik Prince
  24. Michael Flynn
  25. Paul Manafort
  26. Carter Page. Will the dumbest Russian agent try to look at the eclipse? Probably. DON'T.
  27. Mike Pompeo
  28. Roy Moore
  29. Rep. Louie Gohmert
  30. Rep. Trey Gowdy
  31. Former Rep. Jason Chaffetz
  32. Rep. Blake Farenthold. No sir, your ducky pajamas don't have special eclipse glasses in the crotch slit. Unless they do. MAYBE THEY DO! (They don't.)
  33. Rep. Mo Brooks
  34. Rep. Devin Nunes. Oh wait, Devin, there might be secret intelligence about Susan Rice "unmasking" Trump people on the eclipse, better check it out! Just kidding, DO NOT.
  35. Rep. Dana Rohrabacher
  36. Rep. Marsha Blackburn
  37. Are you a Republican member of the House we haven't listed? Just because you didn't come to mind as we were free-associating this list, don't think we don't care about your vision health.
  38. Sen. Tom Cotton
  39. Sen. Rand Paul
  40. Sen. Chuck Grassley
  41. Sen. Ted Cruz
  42. Sen. Jim Inhofe, who actually probably does believe the eclipse is a liberal hoax.
  43. Sen. Ben Sasse
  44. Hell, all the rest of the GOP senators too.
  45. Corey Lewandowski
  46. Kayleigh McEnany. OH KAYLEIGH. We are particularly worried about your safety today.
  47. Katrina Pierson
  48. Kellyanne Conway
  49. Jason Miller
  50. A.J. Delgado. And put some glasses on your Trump affair love-baby, OK?
  51. Sarah Huckabee Sanders
  52. Mike Huckabee
  53. Carly Fiorina
  54. Various members of the Bush family.
  55. Did you work on the Trump campaign? Do you work in the Trump White House? You're on this list.
  56. Anthony Scaramucci
  57. Sean Hannity
  58. Steve Doocy
  59. Brian Kilmeade
  60. Andrea Tantaros
  61. Stupidest Man On The Internet Jim Hoft
  62. Stupidest Jim Hoft's Little Friend Lucian Wintrich
  63. Tucker Carlson
  64. The rest of the Fox News staff.
  65. Chris Christie. "BUT WHAT IF THERE IS A SNACK ON THE ECLIPSE?" Not every snack is for you, Christie. Really.
  66. Do we make fun of you on Wonkette frequently? Just assume you're on here, but we forgot your name at the moment because "eclipse" and "Monday" and because you don't mean that much to us.

If you are watching the eclipse and need some tips, NASA has a cool interactive doohickey for you to look at. Now, we didn't look to see if it said DON'T LOOK AT THE SUN, but if you're one of the people listed in this post, we just told you, stop looking at it! ERIC TRUMP, WE KNOW YOU'RE NOT THE BRIGHTEST BOY, BUT PLEASE. This is your EYES we are talking about.

By the way, Wonkette readers, we are observing the eclipse too, because we wanna, so don't get to bitchin' if there's fewer posts than usual, OK? And by "fewer" we mean "we might have already written them all and are taking the rest of the entire day," really, there's just no way to know.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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