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Look, it's a tiny Montanan, SO NICE!

Hi Steve Bullock! I know you are busy "running" around, making terrible amateur wind-whistled youtubes and going on Maddow. (I even watched! It wasn't very exciting.) You might not read this. It's cool. Wonkette's already written about your run for president twice: once much nicer than I would have been, and one probably about the right amount of mean. But we hadn't written to you personally, as your constituent. Here's how a Wonkette reader put it in a note to me:

I'm not happy that your governor is running for president, since too many people are doing that. Please tell him to stop. If he won't listen to you, to whom will he listen? You're a small business owner, a farmer's wife, and you have a growing army of bees at your disposal. In Montana, that seems like the trifecta, as a small businesswoman with a husband who farms beeeeeeeees!

That's right, Steve Bullock: beeeeeeeeees!

It's quite possible your advisors might not have pointed out to you that every time you tweet, every response is making witty replies that 100 percent of the time tell you you should be "running" for Senate instead. It's kind of late now, but here's the thing:

YOU SELFISH EGOMANIAC SON OF A BITCH. STOP IT. STOP IT. STOP IT FUCKING SOON ALTHOUGH TO SAVE FACE IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE RIGHT NOW. MEN ARE VERY FRAGILE I GET IT I KNOW.


Someone on Twitter posted a grid of the 22 Democratic candidates. I ID'ed 14. (They were hard pictures, though, three-quarter-angle.) Steve Bullock, I only barely recognized you because I saw the same pic in announcement stories yesterday, and I've seen you in person, introducing Jon Tester, at the Democratic Club down the street from my house.

"Charisma" might be bullshit, but that is a data point to consider!

I'll be sending you $500 the day you win the nomination, but there's a catch: YOU'RE NOT GOING TO WIN THE NOMINATION. You don't want to be senator? You think you're more an executive fella? Being one of a hundred not sound like FUN? I say this to kid all the time, except I'm not kidding: Steve Bullock, HOW VERY DARE YOU.

You've done some real good stuff in Montana. You are a guy who can win statewide. You're on Twitter touting your pro-choice bona fides, which is great. But you'd just as soon let Steve Daines confirm every judge for the next six years; you'd let him repeal and sabotage the Obamacare you shoved through the legislature in our state. (Thanks!) Name the horror: He's voting for it! And you, well, gee, you'd love to help but you don't wanna.

Because -- and here's the thing -- you are being a narcissist. You need to be the big boss-man? What are you, working your first job, knowing the most, because you're twenty-three? Only you can fix it?

AND HERE'S ANOTHER THING. I am sorry to "identity politics" you, but HI. I'M A WOMAN. It matters to me that we haven't been represented in the executive branch since the founding of the country. What do you bring that Senators Kamala Harris, Elizabeth Warren, the other ones, and some coupla wackjobs don't?

Why is it so fucking necessary that you join up? What lane you going for? Joe Biden's? Joe Biden's got that. Unremarkable gray people their own constituents can't pick out? Meet those dudes from Colorado. You're not Beto or Pete, so you can't have their fanbases kissing your poster over their bed. You're just going with "Trump state"? I LIVE HERE. AND TRUST ME THE TRUMPERS GET PLENTY OF LOVE AND REACHAROUNDS AND VERBAL GYMNASTICS TO PAINT THEIR RACISM AND MEANNESS AS 'HEARTLAND.' AND ALSO: YOU CAN FUCK THAT SHIT.

Thank you for not being Tim Ryan and Other Tim Ryan though, for real. Those guys have even less purpose than "suck white voter dick." Their platform is Nancy Pelosi Kicked My Ass And All I Got Was This Unending Sulk Of Entitlement.

Those guys are really the worst.

NO KISSES AND NO HUGS,

Wonkette

Wonkette is ad-free and funded ENTIRELY by YOU (not you as in Steve Bullock). Please to keep us in the Montana lifestyle to which we've become accustomed.

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Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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Photo by Wonkette operative 'Zippy W. Spincycle'

Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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