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Donald Trump's list of SCOTUS picks has been out a few days, and despite what people might say about it, nobody can say it's not a list of human beings! According to Fox News, the list has mostly been whittled down to three people, all of whom were chosen because Donald Trump, who is very good at speaking English, just can't stop reading their opinions. HAHAHAHA, we joke about our functionally illiterate president. Trump's SCOTUS picks were fed into his mouth by the Heritage Foundation and the Federalist Society, and if there are three finalists, those are probably just the three who made sure to tell him he was very pretty and had normal sized hands during their interviews.

Sometime in the next few days, probably on Monday, Trump will hand the rose to one of those people, and we will begin the charade of pretending like Susan Collins, the "moderate" Republican senator from Maine, has principles and is good at her job and isn't susceptible to getting rolled by Mitch McConnell.


Collins has been saying she definitely won't vote for a SCOTUS pick who has "demonstrated hostility" to Roe v. Wade, which is handy for her because literally no SCOTUS nominee would ever say out loud with their mouth, "I am the gentleman or lady who is full of hostility about Roe!" So when/if she votes for whatever mouthbreathing wingnut Trump picks, and then that mouthbreathing wingnut goes on to vote to take away women's reproductive freedom and criminalize abortion, Collins, who, again, has PRINCIPLES and is NOT EASILY FOOLED, will be able to sleep easy, because who could have seen that coming? Certainly not Susan Collins!

Besides, abortion is such a contentious issue anyway. Did you know that, according to Collins, America is split right down the middle on abortion? It's true! (It's not.) Collins told the New York Times podcast "The Daily" that abortion is a "51-49 issue," because on top of how Collins is good at her job and is a moderate who definitely deserved all those awards she got from Planned Parenthood for being a pro-choice GOP lady, she also reads the polls.

Oh wait, just kidding, she fails at that too! New polling from the Kaiser Family Foundation says that actually 67% of Americans want to see Roe left in place, and even among Republicans, only 53% want to see it overturned. (Maybe that's the half and half split Collins was thinking of!)

The poll finds a slim majority (53%) of Republicans would like to see Roe v. Wade overturned, while large majorities of Democrats (81%) and independents (73%) would not. Similar shares of women (68%) and men (65%) want Roe v. Wade to stand, but among women of reproductive age, three-quarters (74%) want Roe v. Wade to stand.

Speaking of numbers, Collins was re-elected in 2014 with 68% of the vote, in Maine, which is a blue state. We have a feeling that if she votes for Trump's SCOTUS pick, you know, the fucking idiot who's going to fool Susan Collins into believing they don't want to criminalize abortion, 2020 might not be fun and games for her.

We are just saying.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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