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A Serious Critique Of Net Neutrality By Serious Donald Trump, Who Is Serious

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Ever since President Obama announced that he was going to socialize the interwebs -- or as actual grown-ups call it, asking the FCC to reclassify broadband as a utility, thus ensuring net neutrality -- the response from the right has been as thoughtful and reasonable as you'd expect from the party that has long opposed it.


Senate Majority Leader/President-elect Sen. Rev. Ted Cruz wasted precisely no seconds before declaring that "net neutrality is Obamacare for the internet." Naturally, he made this declaration on the internet, though he was quickly whisked away to an undisclosed FEMA camp where he will be forced to watch President Obama personally death panel his grandma.

Now we have another thoughtful perspective to consider before we all go back to agreeing that of course net neutrality is critical, and the only jackholes who oppose it are Messrs. Verizon, Comcast and Time Warner. Oh, and the ghost of Sen. Ted Stevens, whose greatest gift to us all was his immortal explanation that the internet is not a truck, but a series of tubes. Thanks, Uncle Ted!

How keeping the internet accessible to everyone is somehow a power grab, or how it will somehow oppress conservatives, is beyond us. The Fairness Doctrine required equal time for opposing views; net neutrality allows any idiot to use the internet however he so chooses, without having to pay extra fees in order for people to actually see it. Like, hypothetically, if an idiot wanted to tweet his thoughts on net neutrality. Hypothetically.

In conclusion, no we have no idea what Trump is talking about. But in fairness -- ha, fairness! -- to him, neither does he.

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Screenshot, CNN

If the facts are against you, argue the law. If the law is against you, argue the facts. If the law and the facts are against you, pound the table and yell like hell. And if that doesn't work, just make shit up.

Talking hairpiece Jay Sekulow went on Chris Cuomo's CNN show Wednesday night to barf out the latest Trumpland nonsense on the Russian WITCH HUNT. Remember way back in May, 2017 when Donald Trump told Lester Holt about that hilarious time he fired James Comey to murder the Russia investigation?

"I was going to fire Comey knowing there's no good time to do it. And in fact when I decided to just do it, I said to myself, I said, 'you know, this Russia thing with Trump and Russia is a made up story, it's an excuse by the Democrats for having lost an election that they should have won.'"

Did you think that meant he actually fired Comey TO MURDER THE RUSSIA INVESTIGATION? Watch and learn, kids!

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In the words of the great Tammy Wynette, sometimes it's hard to be a woman. This week has been such a time for many of us out there, what with the impending prospect of seeing yet another sex predator who wants to take away our reproductive rights getting confirmed to the highest court in the land. Oh, it's almost like we, and our bodily autonomy, don't even matter at all.

Thankfully, several conservative columnists have graciously taken the time to explain to the rest of us why we should stand by their man. Not for his good, but for our own. Because it will be empowering. So come on gals, let's switch out our sneakers for pumps like the the working gals in 1980s movies, set up our desk salads, and just really lean in to see what they have to say!

First up, we've got Catherine Glenn Foster over at The Federalist, who wants us to know that losing our reproductive rights will empower us beyond our wildest dreams, according to the actual title of her essay.

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