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Haha, made you click, we don't have a "thoughtful soliloquy" to share with you. OR DO WE? Let's give it a whirl. Miley Cyrus went on the Jimmy Kimmel teevee fun hour and, as usual, she was all nekkid. But of course, her nipples were covered! Because, as she explained to Jimmy Kimmel, who was doing his very best to keep his eyes somewhere near her face, America has a weird problem with the nipples, at least on ladies! Oh sure, boys are allowed to walk around shirtless and show their nipples and that's fine, but ladies can't, BOOOOO. But, weirdly enough, Miley points out that everybody is okay with seeing sideboob and underboob and all of the other boob parts, just not nips. DOUBLE NIPPLE STANDARD!

 


And Miley's like, "Know what? That's dumb." Because some (but not all) ladies and gentlemen have boobs, but EVERYBODY has nipples, unless they lost them in a mining accident or something. Hate it when that happens, we should do a GoFundMe for the miners' lost nipples.

This is actually a good quote, though:

"I see a lot of people with their clothes on, and they're kind of assholes. I don't know if it's the clothes that turn you into an asshole. Like, when you've got your tits out, you can't really be an asshole. You know, it's like people are already judging you."

Miley Moral of Story: Don't be an asshole, whether or not we can see your nipples right now. That is a good moral!

She also says she's a vegan nudist, like that is even a thing, and one time she went to a nude beach and all the people there were Gross Olds, and she was like EW SAGGY BALLS, but she likes being naked so much she'll probably be just like them one day, showing everybody her saggy balls in public.

If you need to fap to Miley's current nipples, you may click here.

Also, Wonkers should probably know that Donald Trump's nipples endorsed Miley Cyrus's nipples for president, having reportedly called her after that one performance she did at the VMAs when she twerked with a big foam finger:

I was in the studio with Kanye [later] that night, and we watched it back and we didn’t say anything. He was like, “That was sick,” whatever. We woke up the next day, and he was like, “Whoa.” He called and said, “Turn on your TV.” I was staying at the Trump Hotel and Donald Trump literally called and said, basically, “I know everyone’s talking about it, but I loved it.” I had no idea anyone was talking about it yet.

This is obviously because Donald Trump cherishes women enough to call them and say, "Miley, your twerking was YOOOOOGE. So luxurious, your twerking. Other ladies' twerking is weak, like Jeb Bush."

In other Miley news, HuffPost breathlessly reports that she has just now "come out" as pansexual, which is actually, journalism fact, not accurate. Because remember a whole long time ago in June, how she did this whole nakey spread in Paper magazine, and in the accompanying interview, she said she is "down with" all kinds of sex, and views herself as gender fluid? Great scoop, HuffPo! In that same interview, she made fun of creationists, which made the Creation Museum guy, that lying asshole Ken Ham, SO MAD, BRO, or more accurately SO MAD, MATE, because he is originally from the Australian prison colony. He was like, well, if Miley Cyrus is so DTF anything, maybe she should do sex to animals, yeah?

We only agreed to write this post so we could post this picture.

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Anyway, that is your Miley Cyrus News Update. Go tell all your friends!

[New York Magazine via RawStory]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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