A Wonkette Civility Lesson For Sad Sack Primary Losers Acting Like A Buncha Syph-Oozing Dicks
If you pay real close attention to politics, you know there were a buncha primaries around U.S. America Tuesday night! Sen. Marco Rubio beat homebuilder Carlos Beruff, and Rep. Patrick Murphy beat shithead Alan Grayson, so Rubio and Murphy will do FISTICUFFS in November for Rubio's Senate seat. In Arizona, Sen. John McCain kept Kelli Ward at bay, even though Ward is pretty sure McCain is already deceased and should be relieved of his Senate seat for that. And back in Florida, Rep. Debbie Wasserman Schultz beat this guy Tim Canova, who was backed by Bernie. (And Wonkette.)
We are not here, in this post, to talk about all these galoots and their actual politics. We are here to talk about how to be #classy, by showing you how several of these losers (by which we mean they lost their races) reacted to losing. They were not #classy.
Let's start with Tim Canova's "concession" to Debbie Wasserman Schlutz, for a very good example of Your Mama Ain't Raise You Right:
Shortly before midnight Tuesday, Canova told reporters that "I'll concede that Debbie Wasserman Schultz is a corporate stooge."
HAR HAR HAR, that is not how this works. Debbie Wasserman Schulz is a terrible congresscritter, but she won fair and square. (UNLESS HILLARY #RIGGED IT.) (She did.) That is not what you are supposed to say when you lose. A better thing to say next time would be this:
I concede to Debbie Wasserman Schultz, YOU LOVABLE CORPORATE STOOGE, YOU! Good going!
See? That's good sportsmanship.
Known asshole Alan Grayson, in an interview with the Orlando Sentinel after he lost to Patrick Murphy, started out OK:
... Grayson said he was disappointed in the result, "but it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game. We ran a principled, issue-driven campaign."
"I'm not going to be endorsing Patrick Murphy for sure," Grayson said. "He's a Republican."
AW DAMN! Patrick Murphy might've used to be a Republican, and he might not be as pure as Grayson might like (or really that great, by any measure), but he's running against Marco Rubio, who is DEFINITELY a bad, terrible Republican. Pick your battles, dipshit!
A more gentlemanly way of handling that would have gone like this:
I, Alan Grayson, am literally the worst. I am so obnoxious. But I am not so wrong and bad as to think my opponent Patrick Murphy would be just as awful as Marco Rubio, so I will suck it the fuck up and endorse him. Again, I, Alan Grayson, am literally the worst.
See? That would've been downright gentlemanly!
Marco Rubio's opponent, Carlos Beruff, was kind of a dick about how he lost:
In a statement, Beruff said he "made the miscalculation of taking Mr. Rubio at his word that he wouldn't seek re-election if he lost the presidential primary. ... I guess I was silly to believe the words of a Washington politician."
Nevertheless, he said he would vote for Rubio in November. "He is the best of the remaining options," Beruff said.
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/603279/little-marco-rubio-hates-senate-so-much-wants-to-stay-in-senate-forever-now"></a>[/wonkbar]A better way of saying that would be ... on second though, oh fuck it, that's fine, because Rubio did fucking lie about that, the little shit. You do you, Mr. Beruff!
And that brings us all the way over there to Arizona, where Kelli Ward went down in flames in her run against John WALNUTS! McCain. You'll remember that Ward offended the delicate sensibilities of pretty much everyone when she stated that she, as a physician, knows that John McCain is way too old and dead and crusty to still be senator, and that she'd like to ease his burden by taking his job from his cold dead hands. She sounded like she was prescribing hospice care!
Here is part of her assholish "concession" speech:
“Sadly, the establishment has won this battle by spending untold millions to call me liberal, dangerous, and weak," Ward told supporters, according to a copy of her remarks as prepared for delivery. "As Senator McCain said, ‘It shouldn’t be beyond us to refrain from substituting character assassination and mean-spiritedness for spirited debate.’ After refusing to debate while running a slash and burn campaign devoid of actual ideas, I hope the senator can rest comfortably with his conscience as he continues to lecture others about civility.
She hopes he can even sleep at night, what with having the stain on his soul of "winning the primary," and even at the ripe old age of 80! And will she vote for McCain in the general election, even though he beated her, with votes and also with a bag of mothball-smelling Werther's Originals? "We'll see" is what she said.
A better, more polite way to say that speech would have been like this:
Dear God in heaven, why am I such a terrible asshole? I am so sorry for implying that John McCain is senile and dying like a common Hillary Clinton. I will go away now forever. Truly, I am so sorry. How do I even sleep at night, with this on my conscience?
See? That would have been honest, contrite, and admirable, if she had said that.
Thus concludes your Wonkette Lessons In Civility And Decorum, because those things, after all, are our expertise.
Now go with God.