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Over the course of the Trump administration, a running theme has been that it's very hard to find real lawyers willing to represent America's Shittiest Client. He lies to them, he doesn't pay them, he doesn't do what they say, and as we saw yesterday in the courtroom of DC District Court Judge Amit Mehta, they have to make the silliest arguments, the kind that would have gotten them laughed out of their law school classrooms. But a few real lawyers have signed up for the task, and pretty much every one of those real lawyers has ended up doing untold damage to their professional reputations in the process.

We'd feel sorry for them, but that's not how our heart works.

On that note, some of those lawyers might just get to be the latest invitees to the House Democrats' subpoena party, because some of those lawyers may have, knowingly or not, helped Trump commit crimes just a tiny, as anybody in his orbit is apparently expected to do.


In recent weeks, the [House Intelligence Committee] sent lengthy document requests to four lawyers — Jay Sekulow, who represents the president; Alan S. Futerfas, who represents Donald Trump Jr.; Alan Garten, the top lawyer at the Trump Organization; and Abbe D. Lowell, who represents Ivanka Trump. The lawyers all took part in a joint defense agreement by the president's allies to coordinate responses to inquiries by Congress and the Justice Department.

"Among other things, it appears that your clients may have reviewed, shaped and edited the false statement that [Michael] Cohen submitted to the committee, including causing the omission of material facts," the Intelligence Committee's chairman, Representative Adam B. Schiff of California, wrote to lawyers representing the four men in a May 3 letter obtained by The New York Times.

He continued: "In addition, certain of your clients may have engaged in discussions about potential pardons in an effort to deter one or more witnesses from cooperating with authorized investigations."

Womp womp!

Of course, so far the lawyers are reportedly all telling Congress to fuck off, because this is the Trump administration, and even lawyers in good standing who (for now) have law licenses are telling Congress to fuck off, if they work for the Trumps. Adam Schiff, of course, will not hesitate to subpoena them if they continue being insolent.

(SIDENOTE: Speaking of just now when we said lawyers who "for now" have law licenses, we think a funny historical list in the future will be all the lawyers who got disbarred because of Donald Trump. It started with Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen, but we don't think it'll end there! We can call it the "Roy Cohn list of losers who got disbarred for Trump.")

media1.giphy.com

ANYWAY.

As the Times notes above, it all started with Michael Cohen's recent testimony to Congress, which is still causing earthquakes throughout the Trump regime. In his opening statement, describing his previous testimony to Congress, where he LIED LIKE A RUG about the Trump Tower Moscow project, Cohen explained that Trump didn't directly tell him to lie, but that he was simply toeing the party line and staying on message, because everybody in the crime family knew they were supposed to stay on message. He also testified that Trump's lawyers "reviewed and edited" his statement to Congress, as he and Trump were in a joint defense agreement at that time.

He also testified, under questioning by a member of Congress, that one of the lawyers he was referring to specifically was Jay Sekulow. As the Mueller Report explains, when Cohen noted before his original testimony that actually he had left a lot of parts out, parts that might look bad for the president who claimed NO RUSSIA, it was Sekulow who told him to just keep his pretty little mouth shut (at least in so many words) and that this, too, shall pass.

It's interesting that the list of lawyers to receive Schiff's document requests includes not only Sekulow, but the attorneys representing Trump's grown-ass idiot children. But it makes sense, particularly in context of Cohen's testimony, when you remember that Ivanka's lawyer Abbe Lowell was reportedly also involved in the editing of Cohen's lie testimony to Congress, which minimized Ivanka's involvement in the Trump Tower Moscow project. According to the Mueller Report, though, she was heavily involved, as was her dipshit brother. We should however note out of fairness that Abbe Lowell is actually a real lawyer, and it's entirely likely he thought Ivanka's original story was true. Even Cohen's lawyer Lanny Davis says as much.

The Times reports that the lawyers are responding the same way Trump's lawyer did in Judge Mehta's courtroom yesterday, by arguing (hilariously) that Schiff's requests don't serve any "legislative purpose," and therefore are invalid. It is very strange how all these fucking dorks expect everyone to accept their claims that actually over 200 years of American history is incorrect and that literally all courts have been wrong when they've ruled that Congress has the powers of investigation and oversight, but hey, when you've got nothin', we guess your only option is to make up bullshit.

So, WATCH THIS SPACE, as Rachel Maddow would say, to see how this all ends up. But while you're watching this space, here's a fun document from Just Security that lays out all the times the Mueller Report refers to Trump lawyers who maybe perhaps might have accidentally done some really bad shit in service of Trump. Everything the man touches turns to shit, and that includes his lawyers, obviously.


[New York Times]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Last week, Yr Dok Zoom talked a little bit about his damn dissertation, which looked at "Wabbit Literacy," the weird thing where we sometimes learn about the world from parodies and jokes long before we ever encounter the original stuff -- like learning about opera from cartoons. More than one person in the comments (which Wonkette does not allow and yet, like life, you find a way) mentioned they were disappointed, as kids, to learn that while roadrunners are real birds, the actual critter looks nothing like this:

Which is not to say that real roadrunners are the least bit disappointing, as animals go, because they're freaking incredible. Yes, even if they don't actually leave lines of flame down the center line of desert highways and go "Meep! Meep!" But they can sprint up to 20 miles per hour, which is faster than you, albeit slower than a real coyote's top speed. Also, yes, real coyotes are among the predators what eat roadrunners, which is why the wily birds adopted the evolutionary strategy of running right through fake tunnels coyotes paint on the sides of mountains.

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Once upon a time... about ten years ago, a group of entirely ridiculous men burst onto the scene wearing stupid hats and telling men that wearing stupid hats and telling men that walking up to women in bars and insulting ("negging") them would get them laid. This did not last long, as women also had televisions and computers and were completely aware of these tricks as well, so when some ass came up to us in a bar and said "Hey, nice nails, are they real?" we would laugh and laugh and loudly announce "Oh my god, this guy just tried to neg me! Can you believe that shit? HEY EVERYONE, THIS GUY JUST TRIED TO NEG ME!" and then refer to him as "Mystery" the whole night.

Most of the men who tried that shit only did so a few times before realizing that it wasn't going to work, and thus moved on to other things. Perhaps things that did not involve furry hats and coming off as a huge creep. We may never know, because I would assume that those who tried it are now extremely embarrassed and would never, ever admit to this to us.

Still, there were a few men willing to eat that shit up, as well as some grifters willing to take advantage of that. Said grifters tended to be extremely misogynistic and seemed more like they were teaching men how to be as despised by women as they were than teaching them how to actually be liked by women.

Some of them, like Roosh V, a creepy weirdo who actually does live in his mom's basement, actively encouraged men to rape women who were intoxicated to the point of being obviously unable to consent.

However, even that branch of the PUA tree is wilting away. Many "self-help" style PUA forums like Nextasf and RSDnation are shutting down or have already shut down. In March, Chateau Heartiste, a batshit crazy PUA turned White Nationalist/Alt-Right blog was shut down by Wordpress. This week, rape advocate Roosh V (whom you may recall once called yours truly a "Wonkette typist/clown face, would not bang") announced that he was renouncing his PUA ways and devoting himself to Jesus. He explained to the forum he manages that he would no longer be allowing anyone to discuss premarital "fornication."

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