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Have you read Five Dollar Feminist's report today on how the GOP is just so mad and angry and blowing a fuse about Adam Schiff's closed door impeachment hearings? Lordy Jesus, those wingnut congressmen tried to storm congressional hearings they weren't invited to yesterday like they had just landed at Normandy and, seeing that the Kurds hadn't shown up to help, realized they'd have to do all the storming on their own.

Anyway, if you haven't, you need to read that one, because this post is about House Intelligence Committee Chair/impeachment czar Adam Schiff's Wednesday letter to all his House colleagues, which says CALM YOUR FUCKING DUMB OLD BALLS AND SHUT YOUR SHITMOUTHS, I AM THE BOSS OF YOU AND YOU WILL LIKE IT!

OK, maybe it doesn't exactly say that. (Hey Schiff, how does it feel to have somebody do Treason Paraphrases to YOUR words? Oh, it feels OK and it's pretty funny and you love Wonkette so much? We'll carry on then.)

Schiff, pretending his GOP colleagues have true and legitimate objections to how Democrats are conducting the impeachment inquiry, sent the letter to clarify a few things, and he makes a couple of interesting arguments. We already knew that part of the reason things are behind closed doors for now is because they don't want witnesses comparing notes on what they're going to tell Congress, in order to keep their stories straight.

But Schiff makes a point we hadn't thought of before, about past impeachments, which is pertinent because of how Republicans won't stop bellyaching about PRECEDENT! and PROCESS! and RIGGED! Namely, he notes that in past impeachments, the House hasn't had to do the full damn investigation by itself, but rather has been handed impeachment road maps and special counsel reports. In this case, Trump's low-rent Roy Cohn at Justice, Bill Barr, specifically declined to investigate the criminal referrals it received on Trump's crimes with Ukraine, which means the House has to do everything itself. Therefore closed door interviews are the order of the day. For now.

SO STFU, DICKS.


Here's the letter. We'll transcribe the important parts so your old balls don't have to squint:


After reviewing recent depositions in the House, all of which have corroborated the central crime Trump is being impeached for, i.e., the "call record which lays plain the President's efforts to abuse his office for political gain," Schiff notes that we are still only "three weeks removed" from the partial transcript Trump released of his extortion treason call with Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskiy, and "five weeks removed" from learning about the whistleblower from the intelligence community inspector general.

Schiff says he's "keenly aware," along with Chairman Engel and Chairman Cummings (oh, sadness!), that everybody in Congress and in America wants to know what the hell Congress is learning. But he pushes back on the verifiable lies coming from Trump and the House GOP right now, which allege that Republicans haven't even been allowed to ask questions in these supposedly secret hearings. (Bold print is Schiff's, not Wonkette's.)

In each session, I have made an opening statement, and offered the same opportunity to a Member designated by the minority. Questions have been primarily asked by committee counsels for both the majority and the minority, but also by Members of both parties. And the majority and minority have been provided equal staff representation and time to question witnesses, who have stayed until the majority and the minority have asked all their questions -- often late into the evening. It is necessary to point this out, because the President and his allies have made the false claim that GOP members and staff have been precluded from attending or asking questions -- nothing could be further from the truth.

Got it? Yes, we understand that noble dipshits like Louie Gohmert and John Ratcliffe and Matt Gaetz have tried to barge into hearings they weren't invited to, because they do not sit on the pertinent committees. But the Republicans who are on those committees have full access, and they know it, fuck you very much.

Then Schiff gets to the part about past impeachments, you know, the PRECEDENT! the GOP has been wailing about:

Unlike in past impeachment proceedings in which Congress had the benefit of an investigation conducted in secret by an independent prosecutor, we must conduct the initial investigation ourselves. This is the case, because the Department of Justice under Bill Barr expressly declined to investigate this matter, after a criminal referral had been made.

The special counsels in the Nixon and Clinton impeachments conducted their investigations in private and we must initially do the same. It is of paramount importance to ensure that witnesses cannot coordinate their testimony with one another to match their description of events, or potentially conceal the truth.

Schiff notes that past Trump witnesses Michael Cohen and Roger Stone are either in prison or indicted for lying to the House Intelligence Committee. HE'S JUST SAYING. So stuff your PRECEDENT! up your assholes, Republicans. HE IS ALSO JUST SAYING.

That said:

That said, let me be clear: As the investigation proceeds, and at a time that it will not jeopardize investigative equities, we will make the interview transcripts public, subject to any necessary redactions for classified or sensitive information. We also anticipate that at an appropriate point in the investigation, we will be taking witness testimony in public, so that the full Congress and the American people can hear their testimony firsthand.

Is that underlined and in bold print enough for you brain-addled fuckwankers? Adam Schiff is just JUST ASKING.

They're doing the investigation behind closed doors for now, the transcripts will come out, and also they're gonna put this shit on live TV as soon as they fuckin' feel like it, at which point Trump and the GOP will be crying for their mommy to put all the interviews behind closed doors again.

Schiff closes by noting the White House, Mike Pence, the Defense Department, State and OMB have all recently announced their intentions to blow off subpoenas from Congress, and states for the record that Congress now considers those very acts as evidence of Trump's crimes, suggesting they'll probably end up as articles of impeachment.

So put that shit in your pipe and smoke that shit, EW GROSS, Trump idiots, you are literally smoking shit out of a pipe right now.

Enjoy impeachment, motherfuckers! Adam Schiff is your real dad now, and you all have earned that.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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