Adam Schiff Would Like Intel Chair Devin Nunes To Fuck Off From Trump Investigation, Please And Fuck You
Uh oh, are Devin Nunes's dumb days as the dumb chair of the House Intelligence Committee over? Probably not, but his counterpart on the committee, Democratic ranking member Adam Schiff, has officially had it with Nunes running to the White House with a dead mouse in his mouth and a fresh turd in his hand every time he finds something (ANYTHING!) that might
exonerate distract from the investigation into whether his big daddy Donald Trump or Trump's inner circle might have done a wee spot of high treason with Russia's help.
Schiff waited as long as he could, we imagine, but he's officially calling for Nunes to recuse himself from the Russia investigation, like yesterday. Here, have a statement:
Do we need to transcribe that whole thing? Nah, you lose, don't feel like it. Basically it says that because Nunes is meeting his sources at the White House in the dead of night wearing a platinum blonde wig and no panties, allegedly, and then refusing to share his "secret information" with any of the members of his own intelligence committee, then for the public to be able to have faith in the investigation, Nunes needs to recuse himself, just like Attorney General Jeff Sessions did, after it was revealed he lied about meeting with the Russian ambassador. (We don't know whether Jeff Sessions was wearing panties when he had those meetings, but now you're thinking about it, HAHA.)
But Schiff is not the only one, oh no siree. Once he released his statement Monday night, the floodgates started to open. House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi has called for Nunes to GTFO, as have Reps. Joaquin Castro, Jackie Speier and Jim Himes, all members of the House Intelligence Committee. Pelosi gave a statement to CNN on Monday that said, in part, that "Chairman Nunes' discredited behavior has tarnished that office. (House) Speaker (Paul) Ryan must insist that Chairman Nunes at least recuse himself from the Trump-Russia investigation immediately. That leadership is long overdue."
Now, you are probably LOLing because Pelosi used "Paul Ryan" and "leadership" in the same paragraph, so you will not be surprised that Ryan, giant pussy that he is, issued a statement through his spokeslady AshLee Strong that he has "full confidence that Chairman Nunes is conducting a thorough, fair, and credible investigation." Nunes, of course, is ignoring the Democrats' calls, because he, as a former member of the Trump transition team, does not love America.
But maybe Devin Nunes might listen to his fellow Republicans, assuming of course that he isn't so compromised by Trump and Russia as to render that impossible. Here's Senator John McCain Tuesday on "CBS This Morning," saying Nunes has SOME SPLAINING to do, and also that he definitely needs to reveal his mysterious source on the White House grounds, the one who gives him Snausages and shows him top secret info about all the "wire tapps" the mean intelligence community did to innocent Donald Trump. He did not call for outright recusal, though:
John McCain on Devin Nunes: "I've been around for quite a while and I've never heard of any such thing." pic.twitter.com/scaVnpVu21
— Kyle Griffin (@kylegriffin1) March 28, 2017
Meanwhile, Senator Lindsey Graham went on "The Today Show" and said PINK PANTHER LIBELS about Devin Nunes, explaining that Nunes is running an "Inspector Clouseau" investigation and he needs to "repair the damage," but adding regretfully that the House has probably fucked the goat on this one. He agrees with McCain that Nunes needs to pony up his sources and his information, at least for members of his own committee, but, like McCain, stopped short of calling for Nunes to recuse himself.
Meanwhile, is Devin Nunes even still leading an investigation, albeit a sad, compromised, fucked up one? Not if Devin Nunes can help it! The House Intelligence Committee was going to have meetings and hearings this week, but now they aren't, because we guess Nunes will be busy washing his hair or obstructing justice some more:
The decision to scrap this week's meetings shows that the panel is facing serious turmoil and questions about whether it can proceed. Nunes scrapped a Tuesday public hearing on Russia to hold a private briefing with FBI Director James Comey and National Security Agency Director Mike Rogers, prompting outcry from Democrats who wanted the issue of the Trump campaign's alleged ties to the Kremlin to remain in public view.
Then there was going to be a CLOSED hearing with Comey and Rogers, but CNN reports they were like "Nah."
Oh, and here's a new, thrilling detail about the hearings that were SUPPOSED to happen this week! Remember former acting attorney general Sally Yates, the one Donald Trump fired, ostensibly because she was mean to his Muslim ban, but probably actually because she was the one who alerted the administration that fired national security adviser/foreign agent Michael Flynn was lying about his contacts with the Russian ambassador? Well! Yates was supposed to testify in that open hearing this week, but the Washington Post reports that the Trump administration started bullying her, saying she should not testify because of "client confidence" and "presidential privilege" and other bullshit like that. Yates's lawyer told White House Counsel Don McGahn to fuck off this past Friday:
Yates’ lawyer then sent a letter Friday to the White House lawyer, [Don] McGahn, saying that any claim of privilege “has been waived as a result of the multiple public comments of current senior White House officials describing the January 2017 communications. Nevertheless, I am advising the White House of Ms. Yates’ intention to provide information."
AND THEN? Tell us, WaPo, we can't guess it all by ourselves!
That same day, the chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, Devin Nunes, announced he would not go forward with the public hearing that was to feature Yates’ testimony.
The cover-up in this scandal is AT LEAST as bad as the crime. So that's where we are, at least on the House Intelligence Committee side of things! Oh, also, President Pussgrab had a little tantrum last night on Twitter, informing the committee what it really should be investigating:
Sure yup sounds good.
Feel free to take bets in the comments on whether Nunes will end up going to the fun jail where they have pizza on Fridays and clowns that make balloon animals, or just regular prison.
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