Alabama Anti-Gay Today, Anti-Gay Tomorrow, Anti-Gay FOREVAH
Hooray, the revolution is finally here! After years of judicial activists cramming marriage equality down the unwilling throats of Americans who are mostly cool with it at this point, Alabama's probate judges, who are not judicial activists because they just aren't, have answered the call of literally tens of Americans and refused to recognize the authority of the Supreme Court of the United States of America-Except-For-Alabama, because who do those guys think they are anyway, Supreme Court justices or something?
It is such a sexciting time to be a Bigot-American, now that the times, they are a-changin' back. Tony Perkins, president of the hate group Family Research Council, who has been fundraising for years off his prediction that this day would come eventually, AOL'd this email to his followers to make sure they'd heard the good word about Alabama's anarchy:
Politicians in other states may roll over and play dead as the federal courts trample their laws, but not Alabama! There's an organized resistance developing in the Deep South, and it might just be the turning point on marriage that many Americans have been waiting for. While the Left scoffed Moore's influence [sic], the Chief Justice was quietly gaining momentum.
That would be Alabama's Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore, who is far more important and powerful than the nation's Supreme Court, and the real legal authority in Alabama. And he said that nuh uh, The Gays cannot get married because "ewwww," and the federal government is not the boss of him, and next thing you know, they'll be calling for "marriages between men and their daughters" -- and not just in that symbolic purity ball way, where good Christian girls dress all in white and dance with their daddies and have a ceremony where they promise to never let another man do sex to them, but not in a gross way, like gay marriage. (Way, way grosser.)
This is exactly the kind of revolution Mike Huckabee was calling for in October, when he wished so hard that somewhere in America, someone would have the courage of their misguided and prejudiced convictions to tell the federal government to go heterosexually screw itself:
What I’m hoping will happen is that somewhere there will be a governor who will simply say, “No, I’m not going to enforce that” … In fact, we’re going to say to county clerks across our state, “No, you’re not going to issue marriage licenses."
Now the prayers of hate-mongers everywhere have been answered, in the form of Alabama's "revolution," which is going to come to a spectacular end in June when the Supreme Court specifically tells Alabama, and the rest of the country, that seriously and for real, banning equality is not a constitutional thing, cut it out already.
Or when Tony Perkins and Mike Huckabee and the rest of the half dozen virulently anti-gay activists left in America are proven right, and the country awakens from its fevered dreams of not treating The Gays like that and joins the revolution and demands that everything goes back to normal and back into the closet. One way or the other, the day of reckoning is coming.