Alabama Election Day: The Deep Fried Fuckery Edition
Our money's on the Godbotherer.
Boy howdy, y'all! The day has finally come for Alabama Republicans to tell Big Luther Strange that he can git on outta here with his weird, porny name. The people of the Yellowhammer State like their politicians smothered in Jesus gravy, so they're ordering up a big helping of Roy Moore, a guy who was kicked out of office for violating the Establishment Clause, TWICE.
Yeah, yeah. We know they haven't actually counted the votes yet. But come on.
— ECPS (@EmersonPolling) September 24, 2017
Plus Steve Bannon and Nigel Farage were in Alabama last night campaigning for Roy Moore! HENNNNNGGGHHH?????
But before we get to the finale, let's do a little recap of this ABSOLUTELY FUCKBONKERS campaign, just in time to watch The Wingnut bodyslam Mitch McConnell's Guy across the finish line.
Alabama Governor Goes Looking For Some Strange
Way back in 2016, Alabama Attorney General Luther Strange was investigating Governor Robert Bentley for using state resources to make sexxxytimes with a lady what was not his wife. Was he getting his 'Bama Boy Butter all over his chief advisor? Well, we weren't actually in the room when the biscuits got buttered, although we note that the Governor resigned after his pervy text messages became public.
What woman could resist this handsome devil?
But before that happened, in February of 2017, Alabama's favorite racist Senator Jeff Sessions got promoted to Attorney General of the United States by one Donald J. Trump. And Governor Horndog thought he might be able to get rid of that pesky ethics investigation if he got rid of Luther Strange by appointing him to Sessions's empty seat, ALLEGEDLY. Which is how Alabama Attorney General Luther Strange became U.S. Senator Luther Strange.
Fuck, Marry, Kill: The Alabama Edition
Alabama law requires a special election to permanently fill a vacant Senate seat. Mitch McConnell lined up behind Luther Strange, dumping $10 million into his campaign. And they propped Poppy Trump up in front of a teleprompter and he shouted, It says here I support Luther Strange BIGLY!
Then Luther Strange, former Alabama Supreme Court Chief Justice Roy Moore, the Godbothering gayhater, and Congressman Mo Brooks took turns beating the crap out of each other and humping Donald Trump's leg for six weeks. But when the votes were counted in August, none of these guys got over the 50% threshold. SAD! So they kicked Mo Brooks off the island and set September 26 as the runoff date.
All the Dicks in Dixieland
With McConnell backing Strange, all the McConnell-haters lined up behind Moore. (Because Mitch McConnell is so liberal. Yes, we know.)
From Dead Breitbart's home for for drug-resistant TB.
From Dead Breitbart's home for victims of opioid constipation.
Moore has held a solid lead throughout the race. But each side was careful to begin every speech with a song of gratitude to President ADD, so as not to wind up on the wrong end of one of his morning boomboom tweets.
Rumble in the ... Cotton Field
Last Friday, Donald Trump brought his special brand of crazy to a rally in Alabama for Strange. The Post reported that Trump took credit for the nickname "Big Luther," which has been on Strange's printed materials for years.
“I said, ‘That is the tallest human being I’ve ever seen!’ ” Trump said, recalling when he first met Strange before this year’s health-care battles. “That’s why I call him Big Luther. Everyone’s now calling him Big Luther.”
Who would have thought to call a giant 6'9" man "Big," right?
Then Trump said perhaps he should have backed Moore, and promised to campaign for him if he won the primary.
I might have made a mistake. I’ll be honest, I might have made a mistake. [...] If his opponent wins, I’m going to be here campaigning like hell for him. But, I have to say this ... Luther will definitely win.
Strange himself only spoke for four minutes, during which someone screamed, "You suck!"
Trump returned to the podium to praise Alabama, population 4.8 million, for taking in in "17 million" hurricane refugees. Factcheck: LOLWTF.
But no one noticed, because the ONLY takeway from Trump's Alabama speech was him wishing that NFL coaches would "get that son of a bitch off the field" next time a black player peacefully protests police violence.
We can only hope Big Luther is appropriately grateful for your efforts, Mr. President.
And Then Things Got REALLY Weird
Last night Steve Bannon brought Brexit-champion Nigel Farage to campaign for Roy Moore in Alabama.
Nigel Farage just introduced Steve Bannon at the Roy Moore Rally calling him "the greatest political thinker in the Western hemisphere." pic.twitter.com/ifw5suYBQ7
— Yashar Ali ? (@yashar) September 26, 2017
After successfully conning working class Brits into believing their jobs would magically return if they left the European Union, Farage was defenestrated from his own UK Independence Party shortly after the vote. He's recently been seen as a Fox News commentator (of course!), since the pay for lying on television is better on this side of the pond.
We're still scratching our heads over Farage's presence in Alabama. But Farage likes to blow shit up, and Bannon likes to blow shit up, so perhaps having a Brit around makes Bannon feel like he's part of an international fraternity of arsonist shit-up-blowers. Whether Farage can help Bannon blow up Senators McConnell, Flake, Heller and Strange remains to be seen. But even for a freckled old ham, Steve Bannon was laying it on thick last night.
Per CNN, he opened by promising that only he and his merry band of populists could see the obvious wisdom of the mob.
They think you're a pack of morons. They think you're nothing but rubes.
Then he openly mocked their intelligence by quoting Shakespeare's Julius Ceasar, operating on the assumption that no one in the crowd would catch the reference.
We did not come here to defy Donald Trump. We came here to praise and honor him.
He really does think he's fucking Marc Antony, praising Trump as an honorable man, all the while ginning up the "gentle Roman" pitchfork mob against his candidate.
(And if you think the two-bit Iago who penned a hip hop version of Coriolanus accidentally quoted Marc Antony riling up the mob to take revenge on Brutus and Cassius, you have seriously underestimated that pretentious sumbitch.)
Bannon went on to threaten McConnell and Karl Rove, "Your day of reckoning is coming," and promise to wage war on the Republican establishment.
8. Bannon: "There's a time for peace...and there's a time for war...we're not going to hug out our differences."
— Yashar Ali ? (@yashar) September 26, 2017
Guess this is what he meant about having his hands back on his weapons again.
Also with his hand on his weapon (or his wife's)? Roy Moore! Look at that cute li'l purse pistol. Does it come in pink?
Trump, preoccupied with shit-tweeting at black football players, fell back on his regular strategy of lying out his ass. Yesterday he called in to syndicated radio show "Rick and Bubba" to make shit up about Roy Moore being vulnerable to a Democratic challenger. Via AL.com,
"Luther Strange is going to be a great Senator," Trump said. "He loves Alabama, he loves the state and he loves the country. He will absolutely win against the Democrat. Ray will have a hard time. If Luther wins, the Democrats will hardly fight. If Ray wins (Democrats) will pour in $30 million."
When host Rick Burgess clarified that Moore's first name was Roy and not Ray, Trump came back with why it's "not a good sign" when the president doesn't know your name.
Sounds legit. The President is senile, so deep red Alabama is going to forget Roy Moore, who's been an Alabama fixture for 20 years, and vote for the Democrat.
But Brutus says he was ambitious
And Brutus is an honorable man.
Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.