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Let's check in on the GOP Senate primary in Alabama! Did you know that accused kid toucher Roy Moore has primary opponents? That's right, Alabama Republicans aren't just gonna let him Stranger Danger his way into office without a fight. We'd like to introduce you to one of his opponents, current Alabama Secretary of State John Merrill, who, unlike Moore, hasn't been accused of touching any kids -- to our knowledge, but this is Alabama, so who knows! -- but who, like Moore, has some bizarre thoughts about the homosexuals. Specifically he is tired of seeing them on his television, and would like to see more "Gunsmoke" on the TV instead.

Is "Less Buttsex, More Gunsmoke" a winning platform for Alabama? Probably sure why not! It's a very serious state, after all.


"[T]hat's what we've allowed to happen," Merrill said. "How have we allowed it to happen? There are no more good TV shows on like 'Gunsmoke,' 'Bonanza,' 'The Virginian,' 'Andy Griffith,' 'I Love Lucy.' We don't have those shows anymore."

John Merrill was born in 1963, just FYI, so these are shows that were on the TV when he was a child. Unfortunately it's just been ass ramming and wife-swapping ever since.

We're too interested in homosexual activities. We're too interested in seeing how this family's finding a way to mess on this family or to see how people are trying to date on TV, or having wife-swapping on TV.

Wait, does he know that the wife-swapping TV shows don't actually involve sex? We feel like he's under the impression that they're swinger shows. He's lumping them together like he thinks on this week's episode Carol and Jerry are fixin' to swap with Becky and Darryl and now Becky and Jerry are bumping their Down Theres together like teenagers who've gone to one too many sock hops, while Carol and Darryl watch, OH DEAR JESUS.

Also, when he says "we" are too interested in "homosexual activities," is he saying the royal "we"?

And finally, what is this program he watches where families "mess on" each other? Because that sounds GROSS.

Oh well, don't care, the point is John Merrill wants some more Westerns to watch, and maybe something with some good clean humor like Lucy and Ethel having a comical situation with pies. Likewise, Merrill is very tired of the current network shows, which are basically lubed-up gay homosexual 69-a-thons. As for the rest of Merrill's platform, he is is very interested in voter suppression, out of respect for Dr. King -- no seriously click that link, that's what he said -- and he plans to stay on as secretary of State while the campaign is ongoing. What could go wrong?

We should note that Merrill is doing a lot better than Roy Moore in fundraising. The Daily Caller reports that Moore, since he announced on June 20, has only raised $16,963, which won't pay for that many Uber rides to the malls where little girls hang out, now will it? (Is Roy Moore allowed to live close to the mall?) Merrill, on the other hand, has brought in $217,162, even though, as the Daily Caller notes, he kicked off his campaign five days after Moore did.

But neither of those guys is leading the fundraising pack. We didn't realize this, but there are a total of six GOP idiots in the primary race, and all are doing better than Moore, including the leader of the pack, well-known former Auburn football coach Tommy Tuberville, who's raised well over 400K since he kicked off his campaign in April.

So that's bad news for ... um ... well ... everyone. Including Doug Jones, the Democrat currently warming the seat. (Sorry, loves, but that shit was a fluke, and in a high turnout presidential election where the GOP Alabama Senate candidate is not a credibly accused toucher of multiple kids, the GOP wins it back. Anyway, say hello to Senator Tuberville, is our point.)

In related southern electoral news, did you guys know that next door in Mississippi, there is another GOP candidate in the governor's race -- on top of the first dork loser guy -- who refuses to Billy Graham anybody but his wife, wait, that came out wrong, who FOLLOWS THE BILLY GRAHAM RULE with his wife, which means his wife isn't allowed to be alone with anybody but the dead rotting corpse of Billy Graham, wait that's not it either? That is a thing that is true. His name is Bill Waller, and you won't be seeing him Billy Graham them by the pussy any time soon, because that's not Christian.

Point is, Mississippi and Alabama are gross, but Mississippi has really good food and Alabama doesn't take that long to drive across and then you're not in Alabama anymore, the end.

[Yellowhammer via Joe My God]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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