Ever Been 'Dershowitz-ed'? Here's Alan Dershowitz To Explain What That HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

Alan Dershowitz has been telling some stories the past few days, and we're going to put a video in this post of Alan Dershowitz talking with the large opening in his face, so please send your children somewhere safe first before you hit "play," OK?

Alan Dershowitz went on the Newsmax show "Sean Spicer's Rock Bottom" to talk about Donald Trump's hilariously garbage legal team. Alan Dershowitz said that he, Alan Dershowitz, was concerned about the quality of Trump's legal team. But get this! Alan Dershowitz said SIX lawyers have all called him, Alan Dershowitz, on the phone, SIX of them, and all said they can't work for Trump because of what's happened to Alan Dershowitz ever since he defended Trump. Indeed, one of the lawyers said he doesn't want to get "Dershowitz-ed!"

And that's why we said to send your kids out of the room, because "Dershowitz-ed" is the most disgusting cuss verb we have ever heard in our lives, can you imagine if your little angel said that on the first day of school?

They'd get accused of grooming the whole class.

Here's the transcript of Alan Dershowitz explaining how all these SIX lawyers had tears in their eyes as they called him sir and expressed their sadness over the plight of him, Alan Dershowitz:

ALAN DERSHOWITZ, HIMSELF: I can tell you that SIX lawyers so far have called me, and have said we will not defend Trump, even though we'd like to, because of what happened to YOU, Alan Dershowitz, because YOU have been canceled, YOU can't speak in various places, YOU can't speak in your own library, people won't speak to you, people are furious at you, uh, I had a lawyer say to me, "I just don't wanna be DERSHOWITZ-ed."

I've become a verb.

He's become a verb. And no, the verb "Dershowitz-ed" doesn't have anything to do with getting massages at Jeffrey Epstein's house while wearing all your panties! Or anything else he's been accused of in connection with Jeffrey Epstein.

It is a SERIOUS VERB! It's about being CANCELED!

HIMSELF, ALAN DERSHOWITZ: And there was a deliberate attempt to try to cancel me because I defended President Trump, in order to send a message, and it's been successful, to other lawyers not to go near the case. It's pure, pure McCarthyism of the Left!

Golly, all of this McCarthyism, all of which seems to revolve around how nudist-ass Alan Dershowitz is still being shunned by his neighbors at Martha's Vineyard.

Goddammit, really?


Note please that these SIX LAWYERS all seem awfully concerned, in Alan Dershowitz's telling, about how he is treated at Martha's Vineyard, where he summers.

Alan Dershowitz has been bitching for ALL OF RECORDED HISTORY, as far as we can tell, that they are mean to him at Martha's Vineyard, where he summers.

So without further ado, here is:

ALL OF RECORDED HISTORY of everybody being mean to Alan Dershowitz at Martha's Vineyard, where he summers.

In 2018, he bitched to the New York Times that everybody in the Vineyard was being mean at him because of his criticism of the Mueller investigation, and the local library wouldn't let him do the Drag Queen Story Hour lecture he does every summer — apparently, he didn't ask in time, but then they invited him after all, but read on, that story is not over! — and how 63 percent of respondents in a Martha's Vineyard Times poll said they would be unwilling to invite Alan Dershowitz to dinner.

He called this "McCarthyism" then. It is still McCarthyism now, obviously. He called it McCarthyism this weekend, when he made the same general argument on "Real America's Voice."

In 2021, after Dershowitz defended Donald Trump in his impeachment trial, Larry David was mean to Alan Dershowitz at the Martha's Vineyard general store. Alan Dershowitz was not mad about it LARRY DAVID WAS MAD ABOUT IT AND THAT IS WHY ALAN DERSHOWITZ YELLED AT THE NEWS ABOUT IT BECAUSE LARRY DAVID WAS SO MAD.

But it happened.

In 2022, this summer, Alan Dershowitz whined that he wasn't invited to a gathering of Jewish Democrats on Martha's Vineyard, which is appalling, because is he not a very famous Martha's Vineyard Jewish Democrat?

This summer Alan Dershowitz also shared a truly amazing story that is just as believable as his "Six Lawyers" story, about how one of his big fans (you betcha) was reading an Alan Dershowitz book at the beach (as one does), and the guys he was playing beach volleyball with asked about the book, and he told them, and they all PUNCHED HIM IN THE FACE.

So the New Yorker's Isaac Chotiner asked Alan Dershowitz about the man who suffered an egregious beach beatdown for the sake of his love for Alan Dershowitz, and Alan Dershowitz immediately started bitching about the Martha's Vineyard library — yes, we are back to the goddamned library — which has apparently been canceling him every day now for years:

I was the most popular speaker in the Chilmark Library series.

Alan Dershowitz. Number one speaker at the Martha's Vineyard library.

Every year, they would have an overflow crowd to hear me speak about whatever book I was writing, or whatever I was doing. But suddenly, after I represented the Constitution on behalf of President Trump, the library found excuses for never having me. Their first excuse was that my crowds were too big. So I said, “Well, why don’t you limit the crowds?” They said, “Oh, we hadn’t thought of that.”

Overflow crowd. Crowds too big! "Limit crowds," said Alan Dershowitz. They hadn't thought of that. But Alan Dershowitz knew it was because he represented Constitution.

So I’ve been cancelled, basically, by the Chilmark Library. That has resulted in lots of people in Chilmark calling me and calling the library and saying, “We’re being deprived of Alan’s annual speech.”

Everyone in Chilmark calls Alan Dershowitz with tears in their eyes and says, "Sir, we're being deprived of Alan's annual speech!" and "This must be what it feels like to be Reverse Dershowitz-ed!"

And then they call the Chilmark Library, tears still streaming down their faces, and ...

[Ebba Hierta, the Chilmark’s director, disputed Dershowitz’s characterization, and said, “Not one single person has contacted me to complain that they haven’t had a chance to hear Alan speak.”]

SHUT UP, EBBA!!!!!!!!

Chotiner clarified that Alan Dershowitz meant to say both Alan Dershowitz and the library were being "besieged" with phone calls, since that is what Alan Dershowitz had just said.

No, no. I wouldn’t say that. I’m being besieged with phone calls.


I’m being besieged with phone calls from people saying, “Well, how come you’re not speaking this year? We look forward to it every year.” The same thing is true of the Martha’s Vineyard book fair. Every year, I was invited to speak at the Martha’s Vineyard book fair.

The book fair too. If you missed Alan Dershowitz at the library, used to be you could go see Alan Dershowitz at the book fair. Not anymore. Not now.

Suddenly it stopped when I defended the Constitution on behalf of Trump.

Suddenly it stopped.

Then it happened at the Martha’s Vineyard Hebrew Center, where I was a frequent speaker. Suddenly I’m no longer allowed to speak there.

The Hebrew Center. If you missed Alan Dershowitz at the library and the book fair, used to be you could go see Alan Dershowitz at the Hebrew Center. Not anymore. Not now.

Yeah. The same thing is true of the Chilmark Community Center.

The Community Center. If you missed Alan Dershowitz at the ... oh, you get it.

The audiences are being deprived of my voice as the result of a deliberate cancellation decision. So it’s not me who’s being cancelled. It’s the audiences who are being cancelled.

Alan Dershowitz is not canceled, you are canceled, and also deprived, of Alan Dershowitz.

[The Martha’s Vineyard Hebrew Center said that there has never been any discussion about not allowing Dershowitz to speak. The Martha’s Vineyard Book Festival, which is run by the Chilmark Community Center, said, “We have who we think are the most important writers.”]


And that's how that interview went. They talked about the obviously real beach beating victim. They talked about Alan Dershowitz's friend who puts on a concert every year and always asks Alan Dershowitz to come sit in the front row but this year he didn't.

And they talked some more about how really, this isn't about Alan Dershowitz, who has a very thick skin, but rather about the people of Chilmark, Martha's Vineyard, who haven't gotten a good Dershowitz-in' in years, because of the McCarthyism:

I want to make it clear it’s not about me. I have a thick skin. It’s about the other people in Chilmark who want to hear my views, people who come here because they love the culture and they love going to the book fair. They love going to the library events, to the community center. Now they can’t hear me at any of those places and see me.

Wait, wasn't this post about why DONALD TRUMP cannot seem to hire any decent lawyers?

Yes, did you not just read everything Alan Dershowitz said about the community center and the book fair and that mean librarian named Ebba?

That is why Donald Trump cannot get good lawyers. They don't want to get Dershowitz-ed.

Has nothing to do with how Trump ignores legal advice and doesn't pay his bills.

You did not hallucinate this blog post, it happened.

[New Yorker]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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