Jeremy Peters is one of those New York Times idiots you see on the TV and say to yourself, "Which one is that idiot again?" He's like the print version of Chuck Todd, but without the neckbeard. He's a lower rent version of Chris Cillizza. AND HE JUST TOOK A VACATION TO MARTHA'S VINEYARD!

While there, of course, he figured he should call Alan Dershowitz up, for what we can only imagine are the following reasons:

  • Yeah sure Jeremy Peters was on vacation, but Real Journalists know that you can't just take a week off and tan your nipples on the beach, not when there is IMPORTANT ALAN DERSHOWITZ REPORTING TO DO.
  • Alan Dershowitz is very lonely, as Alan Dershowitz explained to us last week in his widely read column, "Nobody Loves Me, Everybody Hates Me, Guess I'll Just Go Eat That Sushi Stephen Miller Threw In The Trash While He Was Crying A Lot."

The end result is some kind of journalistic tour de shit the likes of which you'd never see in the august pages of Wonkette.

Peters and Dershowitz share iced coffees on the front porch of the general store and talk about how sad it is that nobody will talk to Dershowitz anymore, as people stop by every now and then to say "Hi, Dershowitz! You are our neighbor and you kind of suck, but anyway, I am talking to you!" Some of them don't even say he sucks. Otherwise they talk about how many interview requests Alan Dershowitz is getting, on account of how he is in the news because he is a sucky TV lawyer who defends Donald Trump for nothing but contrarian purposes.

Peters notes that only 37% of people who read the Martha's Vineyard newspaper say they would invite Alan Dershowitz to dinner. Dershowitz weeps a single tear but declares that his heart will go on. And so on and so forth, nobody else read to the end of this fucking thing, therefore we don't have to either.

People on the internet noticed that NYT has been doing A LOT of Alan Dershowitz stories lately:

SIX! When in fact it was actually EIGHT! And a FOURTH New York Times story about Alan Dershowitz. OF COURSE the Gray Lady couldn't leave it at just three!

Schachtman, the editor of the Daily Beast, followed up by tweeting a story where NYT editor Dean Baquet admitted that if he had it to do all over again, maybe he shouldn't have published ELEVENTY GAZILLION STORIES ABOUT ALAN DERSHOWITZ'S FARTS on the front page on the same day. Oh well, you live and you learn!

Others didn't taking such journalistic criticism lying down. Oh hey, Marge Haberman! U MAD at Lauren Duca for that tweet above?

We guess what Maggie Haberman is saying is that the Times has enough resources to go around. They can go necking with Alan Dershowitz, they can fuck up Trump Russia stories, they can break the news every time the Clinton Foundation rapes a puppy before admitting in the 18th paragraph that the Clinton Foundation in fact did not rape a puppy, and at the end they still have time to tell stupid real estate porn stories about how this one barista found the cutest little $3 million crash pad in Chelsea using the time-tested all-American combination of good luck, old-fashioned elbow grease and a trust fund from daddy who is a hedge funder in Greenwich. AND THEN THEY CAN GO NECKING WITH DERSHOWITZ AGAIN.

To be completely fair, while Jeremy Peters was playing Never Have I Ever at Martha's Vineyard with Dersh, he was saving us from hot takes like these, so we guess we should be grateful:

Where does the Gray Lady find these people? Seriously, where? Does Michael Cohen's alma mater, the worst law school in America, have a journalism shop next door?

Wonkette would like to close this post as we close all posts about the New York Times lately: by noting that there is a trend taking America by storm and it is canceling your subscription to the Times and subscribing to Wonkette instead. You will not be disappointed!

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!

Help Wonkette LIVE FOREVER AND NOT EVEN FIRE EVERYONE! Seriously, if you can, please help.

[New York Times]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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HOLY ACHTUNG TWITTER IS FREAKING OUT! Special Counsel Robert Mueller's office (SCO) has issued a statement, almost 24 full hours after Buzzfeed's story on Donald Trump ordering Michael Cohen to lie to Congress about the failed Trump Tower Moscow deal started blowing everybody's minds. Mueller's spokesman says actually BuzzFeed got it a bit wrong. This is significant because 1) Mueller's office NEVER talks, and B) well, they're not actually saying BuzzFeed got it WRONG wrong. Just, you know, kinda wrong.

Wow, that statement is lawyered as fuck. BuzzFeed described "specific statements" wrong, and its "characterization of documents and testimony" was just an eensy bit off, and maybe if BuzzFeed moved this sofa over here it would take advantage of more natural light in the room, and honestly, BuzzFeed should trim up this one paragraph of its article, because those sentences DO NOT SPARK MARIE KONDO'S JOY.

Otherwise, it's great!

First of all, we want everybody to relax. Donald Trump is still a criminal.

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It's been a joy watching the reactions come in from TrumpWorld about the news that Donald Trump has committed YET ANOTHER CRIME, in this case suborning perjury by instructing his former lawyer thug fixer Michael Cohen to lie to Congress. How many other people did he do that with? WE DUNNO! But that's not what this post is about.

First of all, let's see what the big guy himself did. As with all presidential statements from the un-president, it happened on Twitter:

Oh wait, that's (grapes) not it. Here it is:

That's right, the president of the United States reacted to a bombshell news report exposing that he had tampered with a witness by suborning perjury by ... tampering with that witness some more in public, by threatening his father-in-law! (To be fair, Trump has been trying to intimidate the witness by encouraging the feds to investigate Cohen's father-in-law for a hot minute now. It's one of his things, like tweeting and pooping at the same time and comparing WALL to WHEEL.)

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