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Jeremy Peters is one of those New York Times idiots you see on the TV and say to yourself, "Which one is that idiot again?" He's like the print version of Chuck Todd, but without the neckbeard. He's a lower rent version of Chris Cillizza. AND HE JUST TOOK A VACATION TO MARTHA'S VINEYARD!

While there, of course, he figured he should call Alan Dershowitz up, for what we can only imagine are the following reasons:

  • Yeah sure Jeremy Peters was on vacation, but Real Journalists know that you can't just take a week off and tan your nipples on the beach, not when there is IMPORTANT ALAN DERSHOWITZ REPORTING TO DO.
  • Alan Dershowitz is very lonely, as Alan Dershowitz explained to us last week in his widely read column, "Nobody Loves Me, Everybody Hates Me, Guess I'll Just Go Eat That Sushi Stephen Miller Threw In The Trash While He Was Crying A Lot."

The end result is some kind of journalistic tour de shit the likes of which you'd never see in the august pages of Wonkette.


Peters and Dershowitz share iced coffees on the front porch of the general store and talk about how sad it is that nobody will talk to Dershowitz anymore, as people stop by every now and then to say "Hi, Dershowitz! You are our neighbor and you kind of suck, but anyway, I am talking to you!" Some of them don't even say he sucks. Otherwise they talk about how many interview requests Alan Dershowitz is getting, on account of how he is in the news because he is a sucky TV lawyer who defends Donald Trump for nothing but contrarian purposes.

Peters notes that only 37% of people who read the Martha's Vineyard newspaper say they would invite Alan Dershowitz to dinner. Dershowitz weeps a single tear but declares that his heart will go on. And so on and so forth, nobody else read to the end of this fucking thing, therefore we don't have to either.

People on the internet noticed that NYT has been doing A LOT of Alan Dershowitz stories lately:


SIX! When in fact it was actually EIGHT! And a FOURTH New York Times story about Alan Dershowitz. OF COURSE the Gray Lady couldn't leave it at just three!

Schachtman, the editor of the Daily Beast, followed up by tweeting a story where NYT editor Dean Baquet admitted that if he had it to do all over again, maybe he shouldn't have published ELEVENTY GAZILLION STORIES ABOUT ALAN DERSHOWITZ'S FARTS on the front page on the same day. Oh well, you live and you learn!

Others didn't taking such journalistic criticism lying down. Oh hey, Marge Haberman! U MAD at Lauren Duca for that tweet above?

We guess what Maggie Haberman is saying is that the Times has enough resources to go around. They can go necking with Alan Dershowitz, they can fuck up Trump Russia stories, they can break the news every time the Clinton Foundation rapes a puppy before admitting in the 18th paragraph that the Clinton Foundation in fact did not rape a puppy, and at the end they still have time to tell stupid real estate porn stories about how this one barista found the cutest little $3 million crash pad in Chelsea using the time-tested all-American combination of good luck, old-fashioned elbow grease and a trust fund from daddy who is a hedge funder in Greenwich. AND THEN THEY CAN GO NECKING WITH DERSHOWITZ AGAIN.

To be completely fair, while Jeremy Peters was playing Never Have I Ever at Martha's Vineyard with Dersh, he was saving us from hot takes like these, so we guess we should be grateful:


Where does the Gray Lady find these people? Seriously, where? Does Michael Cohen's alma mater, the worst law school in America, have a journalism shop next door?

Wonkette would like to close this post as we close all posts about the New York Times lately: by noting that there is a trend taking America by storm and it is canceling your subscription to the Times and subscribing to Wonkette instead. You will not be disappointed!

Follow Evan Hurst on Twitter RIGHT NOW, DO IT RIGHT NOW!

Help Wonkette LIVE FOREVER AND NOT EVEN FIRE EVERYONE! Seriously, if you can, please help.

[New York Times]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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Remember a few weeks ago when House Judiciary Committee Chair Jerry Nadler sent a very nice and loving request to 81 people and entities associated with Donald Trump, including the White House, asking to please FUCKING GIVE IT a million documents, in order to aid Judiciary's investigation into Trump's millions of crimes? Well, the deadline was Monday, and some folks are helping! Others are not!

According to Nadler, they've already gotten "tens of thousands" of documents, and all signs point to more document requests coming, to approximately one million more people. There have been some surprises, too. Steve Bannon is helping a LOT, turning over thousands of pages (which is perhaps too much if you've ever seen that episode of "The West Wing," where CJ Cregg talks about being so crazy over-compliant with Congress that they just snow down investigators with everything, including take-out menus and junk mail). Trump Inauguration weirdo/longtime associate Tom Barrack is helping, and Hope Hicks is also too gonna be a good little helper. And so on!

And some are asking for "friendly subpoenas," like for instance attorney Keith Davidson, who used to rep Stormy Daniels and Karen McDougal, who's asking for that in order to "formalize the process," as Politico puts it. (Some people don't like being asked nicely.)

Still others are saying straight up NO, and some of them have better reasons than others. Roger Stone is pleading the Fifth on advice of counsel because, you know, he's in trouble with the law right now. Rick Gates says he can't really help, citing how he is still a cooperating witness who is very business hunting wabbits in multiple ongoing investigations. And Julian Assange said no, because (LOL) he is a journalist, you guys, and Congress shouldn't subpoena journalists about their sources. (Actually WikiLeaks is a cut-out for Russian intelligence. Which is kind of like "journalist," except not remotely.)

But the real story here is that the White House, in response to pretty much every document request it's gotten, is saying "FUCK OFF! WE ARE GOING TO DO THE WATERGATE THING! IT WORKED OUT VERY WELL, IN WATERGATE! FUCK IT, LET'S DO THE WATERGATE THING!"

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