Alan Dershowitz's Legal Theories Ain't Got No Panties On Either

Have you recovered yet from hearing about Alan Dershowitz's "perfect, perfect sex life"? That's when he takes his panties off for kosher bonezoning with his ladywife. Not like that time when he "never got a massage from anybody" at Jeffrey Epstein's house. Or possibly he did get a massage, but "It was from a 50-year-old Russian woman named Olga. And I kept my shorts on. I didn't even like it." Sure, occasionally he likes to let 'em swing low while going for a dip on the Vineyard, but he never, NEVER dips his junk in the hollandaise at brunch, dammit! Ipso facto, David Boies should be disbarred, your Honor!


Okay, now that your legs are crossed for all eternity, let's talk about Dersh's weird-ass legal theories, about which he has the right to remain silent, but not the ability. Because two women, Virginia Roberts and Sarah Ransome, have now claimed that Jeffrey Epstein paid them to have sex with Dershowitz, and he knows who is to blame for this unspeakable calumny. That's right, it's the mostly esteemed super-lawyer David Boies! Because, just like OJ and Mike Tyson and Claus von Bülow, DERSH WUZ FRAMED.

I think that I have been defamed and deliberately by your clients and I don't think lawyers who engage in such deliberate conduct should be allowed to practice law, which is why I am going to seek their -- their -- their disbarment.

But wait! Because Alan Dershowitz isn't even the real target of this heinous plot. Dersh is just a "stalking horse" to get at Boies's real victim, the billionaire founder of The Limited and Victoria's Secret, Leslie Wexner. Which Alan Dershowitz knows because he got a phone call in February of 2015 from a confidential source named "Rebecca" who laid it all out for him. Here's the famous Harvard professor 'splaining it in a deposition that year.

Rebecca then said that I was not the object of this effort. The object of the effort was a billionaire who lives in Columbus, Ohio and who owns Victoria's Secret and the Limited, too. Rebecca told me she did not know the name of that billionaire, but that Virginia and her lawyers hoped to get 1 billion, B-I-L-L-I-O-N, $1 billion or half of his net worth from him by alleging that he had improperly engaged in sexual misconduct with Virginia Roberts. That that money would be divided three ways: A third of it to Virginia Roberts, a third of it to a charity that she and her lawyers were setting up for battered women, and a third of it to the lawyers.

According to Dersh, "Rebecca's" husband "Michael" called him "out of the blue" in 2015 and told him that Roberts and her lawyers cooked up a "massive extortion plot" to destroy Dersh's reputation as a warning to Leslie Wexner of what might happen if he didn't pay up. And NO you can't have "Rebecca's" name or number, you just have to believe Dersh when he says that Virginia Roberts admitted to her "best friend" that some of the most competent lawyers in America pressured her to level sexual assault claims against a man she'd never met as part of a plot to get an entirely different man to hand over a billion dollars.

He repeated the same accusation in a recent court filing, saying the allegations were "calculated to send the following message to Wexner: If you don't want to have happen to you what happened to Alan Dershowitz, you should settle the complaint against you, even though the statute of limitations has long expired."

As proof, Dershowitz claims that Wexner's wife regarded Boies's 2015 approach to discuss Roberts's allegations as a shakedown. And Boies contacted Wexner in 2015, at the same time he was publicizing her charges about Dershowitz!!!

"That cannot be a coincidence," Dershowitz told NYMag's Andrew Rice. Boies "cannot" have been making simultaneous and yet unrelated approaches to multiple men accused by his client of molesting her as a teenager. UNPOSSIBLE!

Does Alan Dershowitz have to draw you people a map? David Boies, the 78-year-old lawyer who argued Bush v. Gore and Hollingsworth v. Perry, the case that overturned California's anti-same-sex-marriage law, has decided to end his career with an elaborate plot to frame Alan Dershowitz. A scheme he was so devoted to that he seems to have abandoned it after a few phone calls with Wexner's lawyers. It just makes too much sense!

Oh, or maybe Boies's partners Bradley Edwards and former judge Paul Cassell were just looking to get Epstein's non-prosecution agreement thrown out!

It is my belief as I sit here today that Virginia Roberts never accused me of having any sexual contact with her because I never did have any sexual contact with her. And that your clients, Edwards and Cassell, sat with her and said to her, look, if we want to get the NPA knocked out, we have to find a lawyer who worked on the NPA, but who you also had sexual contact with. The only lawyer who fits that description is Alan Dershowitz. Think back, think hard, did you ever have any sexual contact with Alan Dershowitz.

Or maybe it was all A TRICK to make Dershowitz go on television and say all kinds of nasty shit about Roberts so Boies could sue for defamation and force Dershowitz into discovery!

"It's a sleazy tactic. That's the Boies tactic," Dershowitz told Rice.

Or maybe it's all part of a plot by New Yorker editor David Remnick to destroy Benjamin Netanyahu by doing anti-Semitisms to poor Alan Dershowitz: "Remnick explicitly told people that I must be silenced because mine has been the most persuasive voice in favor of what Remnick feels pose dangers to values he holds dear, and that he will use the credibility of The New Yorker to accomplish this goal." (Uncle Leo, is that you?)

OR MAYBE Alan Dershowitz needs to stop talking, let his lawyers do their "No comment" jobs, and get his ass into the neurologist's office STAT. Because, not to get all Taylor Swift on a Monday, but seriously, I'm just like, "Hey, are you okay?"

For the love of God, man, put your panties back on and SHUT THE FUCK UP!

[Edwards v. Dershowitz, Deposition / NYMag]

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

You liking these lawsplainers? Well click here to keep 'em coming!

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)

Liz Dye

Liz Dye lives in Baltimore with her wonderful husband and a houseful of teenagers. When she isn't being mad about a thing on the internet, she's hiding in plain sight in the carpool line. She's the one wearing yoga pants glaring at her phone.


How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc