Alan Keyes Reveals His Eleventy-Million-Word-Plan For Keyesian Ascendance Over The Traitor Glenn Beck


It is always hard when your amazing social movement reaches the schism stage, isn't it? First you're best buds, pallin' around together creating revolution, and next thing you know you've got anicepick buried in your skull. Relive the golden era of Soviet infighting and murder with your new Stalin and Trotsky, Alan Keyes and Glenn Beck. (We're not sure which is which here, as we're really reaching for this metaphor? analogy? simile? But we are sure our all-knowing commenters will have Thoughts on this.)

So! Alan Keyes is very mad you guys! Glenn Beck has surrendered and is no longer conservative enough, or something. To be honest, we had an incredibly difficult time following Keyes' article, but we'll do you a solid, Wonkquarians, and give you the highlights of the hate.

Glenn Beck’s name is not supposed to be associated with surrender. I admit, however, that I could never take his media reputation at face value, even before he joined the elitist faction’s media jackals on the hunt against people like me who insist that questions about Obama’s constitutional eligibility for the U.S. presidency have to be taken seriously. When he did, I publicly consigned Beck to the racks of “the commentators and politicians of our era” who “remind me of the barbarians who first made and then squatted upon the ruins of ancient Rome. In like fashion they contrive to ruin the American institutions of freedom.”

We are uncertain as to what the living fuck this means, because there are a lot of words. We think it is that Glenn Beck is not enough of a birther or a crazy person, and we think that Alan Keyes overwrites the living bejesus out of everything and picked a really ornate way to say that Beck shits all over freedom.

How else is Glenn Beck disappointing Alan Keyes?? By loving the homosexxicans and abortioneers just too darn much:

It’s not surprising that Beck tells us that “we’re powerless over anything that happens in Washington.” In harness with the forces promoting specious homosexual marriage and abortion “rights,” he insidiously works to destroy our reverence for God’s authority over human institutions of government. By doing so, he contributes to the demoralization of the American people. He disingenuously proposes an educational remedy based on the concept that “the individual is greater than the collective,” which similarly abandons the principle of God’s superintendence of the whole of things.

Christ on a cracker. How does your brain work that you come up with the idea that Glenn Beck - GLENN BECK - promotes gay abortions?? And if you DID come up with that idea, would you have to write eleventy-million incomprehensible words about it? Apparently yes! Alan Keyes is a riddle wrapped in an enigma rolled in a giant pile of dumb, but at least he's consigning Glenn Beck to the ash bin of history, so we're OK with that.



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