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Meet your new favorite judge in America, Wonkers! He is Nome Superior Court Judge Timothy Dooley, and he is being officially reprimanded by the Alaska Commission On Judicial Conduct, just because he has a habit of saying some very colorful things about ladies in the courtroom. For instance, this one time he wanted to make extra certain those present knew that a 14-year-old girl who had been sexually abused wasn't some common whore, like all those "temptresses" out there, who force their attackers to rape them:


During the Nov. 5, 2013, sentencing of Gerald Sagoonick, who sexually abused a 14-year-old girl, Dooley allegedly said: “This was not someone who was, and I hate to use the phrase, ‘asking for it.’ There are girls out there that seem to be temptresses. And this does not seem to be anything like that.”

HE SEEMS NICE. What other fun things does this Judge Dooley say with his mouth, out loud, in courtrooms? Well, one time, he had a lady testifying, and she wasn't talking loudly enough for the jury to hear, so he told the jury, ALLEGEDLY, "I'm sorry folks, but I can't slap her around to make her talk louder.”

Aw c'mon, everybody, you're just misinterpreting fun old Judge Dooley, he was saying that he CAN'T slap her. He's a damn feminist!

One time, during a sentencing hearing, Dooley offered the perp a folksy reminder that gettin' all drunked up on fermented moose blood, or whatever they get drunked up on in Palin country, never leads to anything good, except this one thing:

During a May 29, 2013 sentencing hearing for Eric Pushruk, in a resisting-arrest case, Dooley allegedly said, “Has anything good ever come out of drinking other than sex with a pretty girl?”

Uh, Judge Dooley, sometimes it leads to sex with hot guys too, get it right.

Surprise, he also has some strange religious beliefs, because those are so often present among people who say weird sex things at inappropriate times. Dooley allegedly explained at a 2014 civil trial that taking oaths is a very serious thing, and that if you break an oath, you go to hell, because Dooley will take you there himself:

The commission took issue with several statements Dooley is accused of making during a Aug. 12, 2014, civil trial at which both sides represented themselves. Among the remarks: “I'm gonna enforce these oaths and they're enforceable with a two-year sentence for perjury. And I'd be the sentencing judge. I also have a medieval Christianity that says if you violate an oath, you're going to hell. You all may not share that, but I'm planning to populate hell.”

Slate reports that the Commission could suspend or even dismiss Dooley from his position if these allegations are proven true, and that, alternately, Alaska voters could give him the axe in 2016 -- proverbially! It's not like they're going to call Sarah Palin out to gut him like a bear, this is a civilized country!

So, this guy seems delightful. We hope the 2016 presidential candidates are paying attention, because SCOTUS has gotten a mite boring the past few decades. He could sit on Clarence Thomas's lap, if no vacancies come up.

[KTUU / official complaint / Slate]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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