wants to be called "Daddy"

We repeat our earlier statement that Alex Jones's custody hearing should be on Pay-Per-View, or maybe even on C-SPAN, because it's not like the House Intelligence Committee is holding any hearings on Russia or anything. We have learned so many joyous and wonderful things from these proceedings, as the lawyer for Kelly Jones, Alex's ex-wife, lays out all the reasons why, ahem, maybe this guy shouldn't be around kids.

HIS OWN LAWYER has argued that Alex Jones's real personality is different from his InfoWars thing, which is performance art. Jones himselfclaimed this previously, when he got in trouble for making physical threats at U.S. Congressman Adam Schiff, who is, in Jones's estimation, an "archetypal cocksucker," a "goddamn son of a bitch," and a "fucking goddamn fucker."

But when HIS OWN LAWYER said that, Jones released a video saying he's no performance artist, just a simple batshit crazy man who believes in every single thing he says. We're not sure he helped his case there!

One of the special things we've learned from this custody hearing is that Jones is prone to becoming naked at the drop of a hat, and for various reasons. Actually, we originally learned that back in February, when, during an interview with a nice reporter from Der Spiegel, Jones ripped his shirt off WHILE he was eating Texas BBQ, either as a show of dominance, or because he really likes it when the sauce gets on his nipples.

But for real, Alex Jones, who has (per his lawyer???) been diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, gets naked ALL THE TIME, whether at therapy sessions or at Trump's inauguration when he's drunk, or on the air at his little InfoWars thingie. You know, just whenever:

"I'm gonna piss on some tree or something," an apparently drunk Jones says in one recording [taken at Trump's inauguration -- Ed.] that will be presented at trial. “The age of fake bullshit is over. The return of man is here. Get ready because it's going to run your ass over!" [...] In another video, Jones strips to his underwear while ranting about the FBI. His ex-wife's attorneys argued the video corroborated an ongoing problem with stripping that also affects Jones off the air.
“He just takes his clothes off," attorney Bobby Newman said, adding that Jones once removed his shirt during a family therapy session with his children.

Who among us has not been in family therapy and just started shedding clothes? It is a normal thing to do, in family therapy.

Now, of course, Jones might have to be reminded which children are his kids, especially if he is naked, and also if he's had a bowl of piping hot chili recently. Newman, Kelly Jones's lawyer, dropped that detail on Tuesday as well:

At one point, Newman said that in a deposition, Jones said he couldn't recall basic facts about kids — like their teachers' names and classes — because, "I had a big bowl of chili for lunch."

Every parent experiences this, stop fucking laughing.

For those wondering how Alex Jones, model of serenity that he is, is handling all these people in court saying these awful things about how his bloated pig body is always naked and peeing on things while he eats chili -- because he's energized by his Alex Jones Trucker Speed! -- National Memo reports that he's behaving very poorly. He's staying completely silent, but on Tuesday, he got in big trouble with the judge for monkeying around in his seat and making faces:

"Judge," said [Newman]. "Can you tell Mr. Jones to stop making faces and shaking his head?" And then, a little while later, "Judge, Mr. Jones is still shaking his head."
"Mr. Jones," state District Judge Orlinda Naranjo admonished Jones. "No bodily comments please."

NO BODILY COMMENTS, ALEX. Jesus Christ, was he raised in a barn on a farm owned by the Illuminati and the New World Order and Beyoncé? We would have thought the chemtrails the FBI and the CIA and Barack Obama put into Jones's B-hole would have mind-controlled him to behave better than that, but we guess not, because he was still bodily commenting on Wednesday:

What a naughty, naughty boy.

On the other hand, we guess we should be glad he hasn't pulled his pants down and helicoptered his little weenus at the jury, but there are many days left in the trial, so again, WHY IS THIS NOT LIVE-STREAMING ON YOUTUBE?

In summary, and in conclusion, Alex Jones is naked, chili gives him amnesia farts, and he wants to spend time with his kids. Oh what a world we live in ...

Wonkette is not naked right now. OR ARE WE? Anyway, give us money by clicking below.

[Huffington Post / National Memo]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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