Alex Jones Explains How Net Neutrality Is Hitler
Now that the right has decided Net Neutrality is evil, because Barack Obama likes the idea of keeping the Internet free and open, it's pretty much become a game of one-upmanship.
First, Ted Cruz said that Net Neutrality was Obamacare, then Donald Trump decided it was the reincarnation of the Fairness Doctrine, and then another wingnut said Net Neutrality was like a tree trunk, and one said it was like a rope, and another, standing a few feet behind, said it was soft and mushy. Bryan Fischer thought that Net Neutrality was about requiring all ISPs to charge the same rates to all subscribers regardless of whether they have dialup or broadband (not even close).
And now, perhaps feeling like others were dropping the ball when it came to stupid crazy mischaracterizations of Net Neutrality, here's Supreme Pissflaps Runner Alex Jones to explain that, no, silly, Net Neutrality is Nazi Germany, plus also the Mafia and the Gulag:
Somehow, Jones decided that when Obama made the fairly uncontroversial observation that "for most Americans, the Internet has become an essential part of everyday communication and everyday life," he was REALLY talking about community wifi service, not the Internet in general (somehow, RightWingWatch didn't seem to notice that particular spin on what Net Neutrality even is). So, starting from a premise that is Not Even Wrong, things actually got stupider:
Yeah, this has been the plan for a decade. Free equal wifi that's paid for by taxpayers, but you have no rights on that wifi, and you can't get to InfoWars.com or DrudgeReport.com, that the White House officials have said they want to shut down, essentially.
So this is it. They're coming. Drums, drums, drums of the deep.
This is just a high tech version of what the Soviets and the Nazis and the Chinese Communists and Fidel Castro and every other nut ball did.
Jones then launched into a bizarre rant about how Hitler and other dictators, like Barack Obama of course, have nothing but contempt for those who brought them to power, and fear "strong, hardcore men," and "they're going to destroy you." Apparently by ensuring that ISPs can't give preferential treatment to data packets from companies willing to pay higher fees. We have to admit we hadn't considered the role that packet switching played in the Holocaust, and for this we thank Mr. Jones.
Jones wasn't done, of course; he also explained that Net Neutrality was just like a Mafia protection racket, because you'll have to pay the FCC to keep from getting your internet burned down. Actually, that's a pretty good analogy, except that he's got it exactly backwards. It's far more like what ISPs are proposing to do by throttling back content that doesn't pay a premium rate: Nice little website you have here, pity if it took forever to load, huh?
And then the FCC will break your legs and rape your daughter, creating “a nation of sheep ruled by wolves” who will “put you in government housing pens to run your life, bring you down and imprison your children ... Well not, me, EVER!"
This dude is fascinating. We had no idea all that would be the inevitable outcome of keeping the Internet working exactly the way it's been. Hey, do you suppose Alex Jones knows who made the internet in the first place?
Fortunately, Jones vows to resist the unholy forces of Net Neutrality, which are conspiring to "hold our species back, they will screw everything that our ancestors fought and died to survive though hell to pass on the baton to us to have a future." Yeah, YOU GO, Alex! They died to survive back then, why aren't we willing to die to survive anymore?
Jones has faith that God will help him to find "the strength of the words to unlock the spirit of humanity with a huge awakening to bring these people down forever and to bind them to Hell," and also believes that Ted Cruz was really smart when he said Net Neutrality was "Obamacare for the Internet," apparently because both have websites, we guess.
It's pretty stirring stuff. Never mind that, for all the connection to reality it has, Jones could just as well have been talking about "Ovaltine" as "Net Neutrality."
Our only question is how a just and loving God could take John Belushi from us before he could give this shit the reenactment it deserves?
See you in the concentration camps, comrades.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.