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We know everyone has a big sad about the end of Brangelina, the popular organic fiber supplement, so we figure you might feel a little better about Angelina Jolie's personal BrexPitt if you saw this video that is somewhat misleadingly titled "Anti Angelina Jolie Rant," when in fact it is an amusing compilation of multiple goofy rants about Ms. Jolie by the Austin Arseface and future Trump Press Secretary Alex Jones. In any case, we won't cry for you, Angelina: The truth is, you're a NEW WORLD ORDER WITCH VOODOO ILLUMINATI DEMONIC MONSTER U.N. RING-WRAITH-LOOKIN' GLOBALIST BIG FAT SATANIC DEVIL!

If you prefer your Alex Jones rants in their full, freeform stream-of-paranoia format, here is another video, from 2012, in which we learn that Angelina must be arrested for war crimes that have not yet taken place, because... uh... that "Kony 2012" thing. Also because she's a Druid Witch:

We're not sure whether the excerpt from Carmina Burana was in the original, or was added by the person who posted the clip to YouTube; our only complaint is that the volume falls just short of actually drowning out Jones for a little while. As we understand it, Jolie is trouble with a capital "T," which rhymes with IlluminaTI, and her movies actively promote the secret agenda of the Illuminati, that shadowy group that secretly runs the world but has so far miraculously failed to keep Alex Jones from exposing its nefarious schemes.

Also unclear: Is Barack Obama's failure to have actually started a UN-backed world war in Africa evidence that Jones is completely unhinged, or evidence that he woke America up enough to prevent it? Near the end of the clip, Jones says Brad Pitt is a big fan of Alex Jones, so maybe that's the real reason Brad & Angelina are splitsville.

Yr Wonket now returns to ignoring celebrity news so that we can focus more on the truly entertaining fuckheads in state legislatures across this great land.

[YouTube via tip from Wonkalumnus Ken Layne / YouTube]

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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