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Our latest necessary national conversation on civility is going as expected. Liberals are being SO MEAN to Trump fascists, not even letting them eat their gourmet cheeses and drink their Bud Ices in peace, which is just as uncouth as when Trump people abuse children at the border and right-wing extremists murder abortion doctors. And of course, Donald Trump is escalating his attacks, both on 79-year-old black congresswoman and grandmother Maxine Waters (for the crime of encouraging civil disobedience) and the Red Hen restaurant in Lexington, Virginia (for the crime of being completely normal human beings who don't want to be in the same room as Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and for comping her cheese plate as they nicely asked her to take a hike).



Let's put aside the fact that the Red Hen has a clean bill of health (and is totally cute!) whereas eating at Mar-a-Lago sounds slightly less sanitary than eating directly off an angry badger's asshole, considering its record with the health department.

Let's instead focus on how Trump is talking shit about a small local business on Twitter, after Sarah Huckabee Sanders used her official Twitter account to bellyache about how she didn't even get to eat her chicken entree. And now look at Alex Jones, who is right on cue and ready with his extra-good advice about how somebody needs to put surveillance on the Red Hen, to make sure the LEFTISTS don't do a FALSE FLAG:


If somebody smart—if you want to dedicate something to your country, you need to go sit out in front. I wish I had the money. I'd put P.I.'s—if I had billions of dollars, I would, every day, have teams of P.I.s all over the country. I'd say, 'Get on this site,' and I would just have P.I.s just watch the Red Hen, show when somebody firebombs it, God forbid, or somebody knocks the windows out, or somebody paints a swastika on the door, we can follow them to their house and you know who they're going to be, don't you?

Pig-humping Trump supporters? NO! That is what Illuminati Beyoncé WANTS you to believe.

It'll be something like the Southern Poverty Law Center, the ADL, antifa ... which is just college professors in masks! The lone rangers going out hittin' women in the head with bike locks!

OK, cool story. The Southern Poverty Law Center is going to attack the Red Hen, because that's totally what they do. Jones said there's a 99 percent chance this will happen in the next 48 hours, and he said it on his Monday show, so we guess the clock is ticking on this thing Alex Jones has advance knowledge will VERY ABSOLUTELY MUCH HAPPEN.

Couple things here! First of all, Jones is essentially admitting, in his way, that it's highly likely people from his side of the adult daycare are indeed likely to try to pull something at the Red Hen. That's why he's got to pre-emptively yell FALSE FLAG!

Hell, Trump idiots already are attacking the Red Hen. Now, please nobody tell them that they're attacking THE WRONG RED HEN, one that's in Washington DC (and another in New Jersey and another in Connecticut) and has nothing to do with the Virginia restaurant. We wouldn't want Trump idiots to have to confront their stupidity up close or anything.

Also, we know what actually happened to a pizza joint in Washington DC called Comet Ping Pong, after actual human beings who somehow aren't legally required to wear helmets for their own protection began to believe in a conspiracy theory called #PizzaGate -- which was pushed by Alex Jones! -- that said Hillary Clinton was doing child sex trafficking in the non-existent basement of the pizza parlor. A DUDE ACTUALLY SHOT THE PLACE UP! He was not from the Southern Poverty Law Center or the ADL or antifa.

Will that happen at the Red Hen? Good god, we hope not. But if it does, it won't be hard to figure out which dark corner of the internet it came from. Just you wait until some fucking moron determines that actually #PizzaGate is true, it's just that they moved the operation out of Comet Ping Pong AND INTO THE RED HEN after the election because the right-wing internet investigative unit was GETTIN' TOO CLOSE. They probably took Comet Ping Ping's basement with them!

You think we're kidding. We are not kidding.

And if that happens, we can blame Alex Jones, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, and their president Donald Fucking Trump.

We'd tell all these people to go fuck themselves, but that'd be uncivil.

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CLEAR YOUR CALENDARS FOR FEBRUARY 7! And then fill them back up with whatever the fuck you want, because Michael Cohen has announced through his lawyers that he is too scared to testify before an open session of Congress that day, citing threats to his family from Donald Trump and Rudy Giuliani.

Wonkette has no reason to believe Cohen isn't being serious here, and NBC News reports Cohen's wife and father-in-law are particularly concerned about their safety if the man who used to call his boss MIS-TURRRR TWUMP goes to Congress and tells the truth this time. Still, we must pause to note that this is the same guy who said this to NPR reporter Tim Mak, back when Mak was at The Daily Beast:

"I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we're in the courthouse. And I will take you for every penny you still don't have," Cohen told Mak [...] "And I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know."

"So I'm warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I'm going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?"

It's not so fun when the shoe is on the other foot, IS IT, MICHAEL?

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Did Nancy Pelosi do something to give Donald Trump the mistaken impression he has leverage here? We don't remember her doing anything like that!

Trump sent Pelosi a letter this morning to say that, despite how she told him to stay the fuck out of her House because of his government shutdown, he would still be coming to the House on January 29 to deliver his State of the Union address. And for some weird-ass reason, Trump and his advisers in the White House actually thought she would back down. It's both hilarious and alarming that Trump and his people are that stupid, isn't it?

Anyway, Pelosi took the dare. She took the dare. Was there anybody besides those dumb fucking idiots in the White House who thought she wouldn't take the dare?

Pelosi sent a letter right back to Trump to kindly explain to him that no means "go fuck yourself," and that if he'd like her to stick her foot further up his ass and kick it around a bunch, he's welcome to test her some more:

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