Alex Jones Says Second Civil War Has Started But You're Too Stupid To Have Noticed
Great American chronicler of his own bullshit Alex Jones took to the Twitters today to have the last laugh at all those fools who took him literally when he said Democrats would start a second Civil War on the 4th of July. Which is simply not true, because nobody took him either literally or seriously, though a lot of people did have fun getting that Ken Burns documentary music stuck in their head while writing "Second Civil War letters" on the Twitter. But in a video posted to Twitter today, Jones explains that we're already in the new civil war, and what he meant was that July 4, 2018, would be recognized by future historians as the "demarcation line" between the "cold" civil war that Democrats have been fighting against America since Donald Trump's inauguration and the actual onset of hostilities, because can anyone (Fort Sumter) really say (Fort Sumter) when the other American Civil War began? (FORT SUMTER, APRIL 12, 1861, DICKWAD!)
Here is Alex Jones explaining in his Bitchin' Battle Camaro that this is Civil War right now, and we were already soaking in it:
In his eight-minute ramble, Jones explains that he's been saying for over a year that Democrats want a new civil war, but he never said anything about it being a shooting war between secessionists and the Union, or that the Army of Northern Virginia would be charging anyone's pickets. But you see, all he did last week was point out that some Democrats have already declared civil war, like in social media, and also the war really DID start yesterday because wasn't that when James Woods lost his agent, an act of bloody aggression, yes? And also Maxine Waters called for mass murder, or at least yelling at people in restaurants.
These are, we must agree, excellent parallels because if you know your real history, John Wilkes Booth didn't have the chance to perform in a single network TV show during the first Civil War, and Secessionist hero John C. Calhoun was never served a meal in any restaurant at all during the entirety of the War of Northern Aggression. Some nitpickers may observe that Calhoun died in 1850, but the point stands. The point is, we are at war, or we will be if something isn't done to end Democrats' violence, or at least Democrats saying things that Alex Jones says are calls for violence, like Michael Moore calling for massive demonstrations, which are a lot like war if you are an idiot.
Besides, there really WAS an attempt at Independence Day violence by Democrats, says Jones, because an Islamic radical guy "who hated Trump" was arrested for plotting to bomb a parade in Cleveland, and everyone knows Democrats love Islamic radicals, and also hate Trump, so same deal. Also, Bill Maher, who hates Muslims, something something something:
Psychos see that as a date to launch their attack on America. When you've got Bill Maher saying we need to crash the economy to stop Trump, that's a form of economic civil war. So stop pretending you want violence [sic], stop pretending you're not anti free speech, stop pretending you're not carrying out violence, stop pretending you're not trying to be bullies, and stop pretending the economy's not coming back and you're not getting your asses politically kicked!
Let us now have a moment to remember Lt. Col. Joshua Chamberlain, the rhetoric professor who served in the 20th Maine Volunteer Infantry Regiment and became a hero at Gettysburg. He may have died in 1914 as a result of his wounds in the real Civil War, but at least he never had to parse anything quite so incoherent as the daily monologues of Alex Jones.
Also, a shiny new donkey to anyone who mashes up this video with "Ashokan Farewell."
The Union forever!
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.