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Alex Jones: The Churches Are Doing Cocaine Hookers In Helicopters, So Give All Your Money To Wonkette!

Wonkebago

Alex Jones, adviser to the president, what is he yelling about today? He is snorting up a big drawerfull of Ecstasy and yelling about "Blitterbug" and "Glitterbug" (((Bilderberg????))) churches (((is he saying the churches are full of globalist Jews???))), and how they are riding in helicopters and doing cocaine with hookers and NOT sending Bibles to El Salvador, and instead of giving them your money, you should send all your money to ... local radio station affiliates? I am pretty sure Sinclair has helicopters and hookers and cocaine too! And I am right! They do!


Whoops, wrong video!

Yell at us, Daddy.

Is your local church fighting the globalists? Is it exposing the pedophile rings? Is it exposing the new world order? These churches want to play it safe, right into hell! A LOT OF EM ARE GOOD! AND IF THEY'RE GOOD, DONATE TO EM! But I wouldn't give another red cent to these nam-it-and-clam-it [WHAT???] Glitterbug cults! [...]

I know about these preachers behind the scenes. Let me tell you, I’ve never seen hookers that look so good. So you just need to understand these people got helicopters, they got cocaine, and they are partying. They absolutely think you're a JOKE. Everyone worships these stupid preachers and they’re not doing anything to fight the world government.

Alex Jones is right, those Texas (and everywhere else) megachurches are terrible. But we feel like there might be someone who could do more with 10 percent of your hard-earned Social Security check than local whackjob radio stations, and that someone is US.

(Please do not send us 10 percent of your income, or any of your Social Security check, unless you are one of the people who would be hella means-tested out of Social Security. Unlike SOME people, WE ARE NOT MONSTERS.)

What does your Love Gift of $5 or $5,000 a month mean to Wonkette? Well, that depends whether it is $5 or $5,000! Your $5 Love Gift combines with $5-$100 Love Gifts (and one monthly $500 from a lady who knows who she is) from 3,000 or so of your fellow do-gooding Wonker pals. It usually is juuuust enough (but sometimes not!) to pay for servers, living-wage salaries, health insurance for our employees (coming in January, after we finish paying off Ken Layne's $47 and a sandwich just FIVE AND THREE QUARTERS YEARS, ALAN, after we bought this mommyblog!), and the occasional jaunt in the Wonkebago to Your Town, USA, to PERSONALLY grill you some tofus and weed. (Santa Rosa and Sonoma, we know you are going through rather a lot right now; we are coming to kiss you SMACK on your faces.) We are told, on the reg, that it also pays for your therapy, by BEING your therapy. YOU'RE WELCOME, and WE LOVE YOU.

We don't have any $5,000 Love Gifts, and we really feel like we SHOULD, and also that it should be MONTHLY. If we were to get one, every month, that would buy "a person, full-time, to help make the dick jokes and ensure Rebecca doesn't die of stress cancer" plus their health insurance (and also dick jokes). Surely one of you out there runs a hedge fund? You're about to have so much extra money from your pass-through company! But despite all your riches, because Calvinism is some bullshit, you are definitely going to need to save your soul. Why not save it with US? Help us feed all God's little lambs, starting with this one, who is NOT. a LAMB.

In conclusion, thank you Alex Jones! As usual, you are correct.

[Rightwingwatch, via JoeMyGod]

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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