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That conniving Hillary Clinton! She will do anything to win this election, like stir up the country's worst racists and bigots and white supremacists, convince people that all the Mexicans are coming to rape them, and all the Syrian refugees are sugary poison Skittle candies that taste good, but unfortunately do terror to everybody and make them dead. Oh wait, that is her opponent, Donald Trump. But that dang Hillary, though! Emails! More emails! She's an emailer, and emailers can't be trusted, right? Right.

Anyway, Alex Jones knows how nakedly ambitious Hillary Clinton is, and he knows she will stop at nothing in her quest to be empress of the Americas. In fact, he wouldn't put it past her to have "the globalists" (does that mean "Jews"? Eh, probably!) pretend to ASSASSINATE HER. Jones and notably sane Trump whack-a-douche Roger Stone discussed this on the Alex Jones program on Sunday:

ALEX JONES: What about a fake attempted assassination on Hitlery? [YES HE SAID "HITLERY."]

ROGER STONE: Look, the globalists will do anything. They killed John Kennedy. They infiltrated the Watergate burglar teams to botch the mission and bring Nixon down. [YES HE SAID 'INFILTRATED THE WATERGATE BURGLAR TEAMS' LIKE IT WAS A BAD THING. POOR WATERGATE BURGLARS!] They lied about health care. They lied about war in Libya.

JONES: So the sky’s the limit. The next 40-something days is an epic time to be alive.

OMG Hillary is going to false flag herself so hard, and then she will be president of false flags!

Roger Stone also says he "fears for Trump's safety," which means Hillary is probably going to fake assassinate herself right before she for real assassinates Trump, and they all agree that maybe the "October surprise" is going to be those things maybe, and also election fraud, and oh by the way, we might all get nuked before there is even an election. We guess this would be good news for Hillary, since the X-Men superpower contained inside her weak, frail body is that she is immune to nukes, so she can just waltz right into the Oval Office and nobody will mind how she has declared herself president, due to how everybody be dead.

Of course, we regret to inform you that Alex Jones is being real effing lazy with his latest conspiracy, because of all the OTHER stuff that's going to happen to rig the election for Hillary. Does he not remember HIS OWN CONSPIRACY THEORIES about how Michelle Obama had Joan Rivers killed, so nobody would find out about the first lady's dick? Uh huh, they're part of Hillary's plan too, and Michelle's dick will be the REAL big Cocktober Surprise, oh yes it will!

And of course, like the lazy, mediocre fuck he is, Alex Jones also forgot to tell us about how Barack Obama's secret army of Illuminati Beyoncés factors into all of this. Will they be unleashed before the election? Will they be Hillary's protectors/bringers of doom?

America needs to know these things in order to make an informed choice on November 8, so we sure hope Alex Jones starts fucking applying himself sometime between now and then.

[Media Matters]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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