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A big congratulatory rubber-gloved handshake to Tennessee state Sen. Stacey Campfield, our inaugural winner of the Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award, State Legislator Division. And indeed, who more fitting than the very man whoinspired the creation of the award? And so we doff our leather kitten headgear to you, Insert Name Here Stacey Campfield, for outstanding achievement in the field of trying to make life miserable for the people of State Tennessee.


Oh, sure, there were other candidates. There was the libertarian New Hampshire state rep. who thought maybe penalties for assault should be downgraded, since "Some people could make the argument that a lot of people like being in abusive relationships." There was Texas state Rep. Jodie Laubenberg, who thought rape kits cause abortions. There was another Texas nominee, state Sen. Bob Deuell, who proclaimed that pregnancy can only occur during “accurate intercourse”. And then Arizona state Rep. Brenda Barton spoke out during the government shutdown about the tyranny of "De Fuhrer," Barack Hussein Idi Amin Hitler.

Ah, but all of these were as a fart upon a summer's breeze in comparison to the achievements of Stacey Campfield, who brings Gohmertesque levels of stoopid to all that he does. It's really pretty impressive -- Campfield's capacity for petty legislative awfulness first came to our attention way back in 2011 when he first introduced the "Don't Say Gay" bill, which would have prohibited classroom teachers from mentioning the existence of homosexxers. That thing stank so badly that George Takei generously offered to loan Tennessee kids and teachers "Takei" as a substitute for "gay."

Undaunted by the mockery leveled at Tennessee (and the failure of his bill in the state Senate), Campfield insisted that AIDS all got started with a single monkey-fucking airline pilot (he read it somewhere) and in January of this year introduced a new variation on "Don't Say Gay" -- this time his dream bill would not just bar K-8 teachers from mentioning the ghey, but would also require teachers and counselors at all grade levels to notify parents of students who identify themselves as LGBT. You know, to protect the kids from dangerously gay behavior. He later attempted to clarify that he didn't want to out any gay kids, just to keep them from being abused -- which is odd, since Tennessee already has reporting requirements for child abuse.

But that wasn't all -- also in January, Campfield introduced a bill to cut welfare for families if their kids' failed to make “satisfactory academic progress,” because nothing motivates poor folks to academic achievement like being even poorer. At a hearing on that proposal, Campfield mocked an 8-year-old-girl who presented him with a petition opposing the bill, saying,

“How are you? Thanks for coming,” Campfield told the girl. “I love it when people use children as props.”

Classy guy!

And then there was the little stuff, the character stuff -- like his attempt to redefine his blog as a private communication between himself and people who like him, so if anybody (especially the Knoxville News Sentinel) quotes him, they'd owe him to the tune of $1000 a word. Needless to say, everyone had a lot of fun with the idea that a guy who writes laws apparently has no idea what "fair use" is. And his charming habit of yelling at people. And his imaginary girlfriend. Her hypothetical existence came to light during the libel case he lost -- and for which he then vowed not to pay the court-ordered damages. Lucky for Campfield, the case got tossed, because a sympathetic judge decided that while Campfield had indeed lied, he had come by his lies honestly. Also, to help protect imaginary aspirational families like his, he moved to shut down "Sex Week" at University of Tennessee-Knoxville by threatening to defund the entire damn university. He even did his part to protect Christmas from the imaginary war being waged against it, because there isn't a single terrible Republican idea that Stacey Campfield doesn't want on his résumé as well.

Stacey Campfield: A man, a plan, a shitmuffin.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

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How do you do, fellow libs? We come together tonight to cheer and clap and cry and laugh, with our leader, Elizabeth Warren, and her fellow nice people Jay Inslee (the gold standard in climate action), Beto O'Rourke (excellent on being a good ally mostly), Cory Booker (best corny love hippie but also Wall Street, it's weird), Julian Castro (I don't know, people are super into him despite his creepy twinness and his too much pomade), Amy Klobuchar (bad bitch), Bill de Blasio ( ... ), John Delaney (???), and Tim Ryan and Tulsi Gabbard.

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We know, the thing we said in our headline is a thing you can say every day, but it's really intense today, maybe because Donald Trump is now filled with fear of the inescapable reality that millions of Americans who have not read the Mueller Report are going to see Robert Mueller testify on live TV on July 17, and Donald Trump will be exposed. Maybe the Big Mac vending machine next to his golden toilet is on the fritz and he hasn't had gotten to eat a Big Mac on the poop chair since last night. Maybe he's just a weak and sad person, a collection of shithole cells God meant to throw in the garbage, but accidentally implanted in Mary Trump's turkey incubator. We imagine that'd lead to a pretty constant state of anxiety and ennui.

Whatever it is, he's totally fucked right now. We were going to write a nice post about Trump's batshit interview on Fox Business with Maria Bartiromo, but we were busy, and by the time we got to it, he had performed so many batshit feats that we're just going to stick them all in this one post.

Let's start with the fight he's trying to wage with US soccer star Megan Rapinoe, who in a now-viral video stated that she has no fuckin' interest in going to the White House to meet that idiot. He got into a quarrel with her on Twitter ... or at least with a Twitter account that didn't belong to her. It's now been replaced, in order that the adult president may shit-tweet at the soccer superstar who hurt his feelings, but Splinter grabbed the original:

The rant continued:

Right. And Megan Rapinoe just said win or lose, she has no interest in meeting your crusty ass, because no decent American would consider that an honor.

Besides, she has already been to the White House to meet a legitimately elected president:

By the by, the owner of the incorrect Megan Rapinoe account saw Trump's whining and told him to grow a dick and set it on fire:

Ya burnt!

But as we said, it was a whole day of batshit from Trump, so let's continue.

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