A big congratulatory rubber-gloved handshake to Tennessee state Sen. Stacey Campfield, our inaugural winner of the Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award, State Legislator Division. And indeed, who more fitting than the very man whoinspired the creation of the award? And so we doff our leather kitten headgear to you, Insert Name Here Stacey Campfield, for outstanding achievement in the field of trying to make life miserable for the people of State Tennessee.

Oh, sure, there were other candidates. There was the libertarian New Hampshire state rep. who thought maybe penalties for assault should be downgraded, since "Some people could make the argument that a lot of people like being in abusive relationships." There was Texas state Rep. Jodie Laubenberg, who thought rape kits cause abortions. There was another Texas nominee, state Sen. Bob Deuell, who proclaimed that pregnancy can only occur during “accurate intercourse”. And then Arizona state Rep. Brenda Barton spoke out during the government shutdown about the tyranny of "De Fuhrer," Barack Hussein Idi Amin Hitler.

Ah, but all of these were as a fart upon a summer's breeze in comparison to the achievements of Stacey Campfield, who brings Gohmertesque levels of stoopid to all that he does. It's really pretty impressive -- Campfield's capacity for petty legislative awfulness first came to our attention way back in 2011 when he first introduced the "Don't Say Gay" bill, which would have prohibited classroom teachers from mentioning the existence of homosexxers. That thing stank so badly that George Takei generously offered to loan Tennessee kids and teachers "Takei" as a substitute for "gay."

Undaunted by the mockery leveled at Tennessee (and the failure of his bill in the state Senate), Campfield insisted that AIDS all got started with a single monkey-fucking airline pilot (he read it somewhere) and in January of this year introduced a new variation on "Don't Say Gay" -- this time his dream bill would not just bar K-8 teachers from mentioning the ghey, but would also require teachers and counselors at all grade levels to notify parents of students who identify themselves as LGBT. You know, to protect the kids from dangerously gay behavior. He later attempted to clarify that he didn't want to out any gay kids, just to keep them from being abused -- which is odd, since Tennessee already has reporting requirements for child abuse.

But that wasn't all -- also in January, Campfield introduced a bill to cut welfare for families if their kids' failed to make “satisfactory academic progress,” because nothing motivates poor folks to academic achievement like being even poorer. At a hearing on that proposal, Campfield mocked an 8-year-old-girl who presented him with a petition opposing the bill, saying,

“How are you? Thanks for coming,” Campfield told the girl. “I love it when people use children as props.”

Classy guy!

And then there was the little stuff, the character stuff -- like his attempt to redefine his blog as a private communication between himself and people who like him, so if anybody (especially the Knoxville News Sentinel) quotes him, they'd owe him to the tune of $1000 a word. Needless to say, everyone had a lot of fun with the idea that a guy who writes laws apparently has no idea what "fair use" is. And his charming habit of yelling at people. And his imaginary girlfriend. Her hypothetical existence came to light during the libel case he lost -- and for which he then vowed not to pay the court-ordered damages. Lucky for Campfield, the case got tossed, because a sympathetic judge decided that while Campfield had indeed lied, he had come by his lies honestly. Also, to help protect imaginary aspirational families like his, he moved to shut down "Sex Week" at University of Tennessee-Knoxville by threatening to defund the entire damn university. He even did his part to protect Christmas from the imaginary war being waged against it, because there isn't a single terrible Republican idea that Stacey Campfield doesn't want on his résumé as well.

Stacey Campfield: A man, a plan, a shitmuffin.

Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.

Donate with CC
Photo by Daniel Stockman, Creative Commons license 2.0

It's Sunday, and that means it's time for a break from the ongoing grind of awfulness out there. Let's dive into some cool, funny, thoughtful stuff to fortify ourselves before we get back to the daily madness, shall we?

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC

After watching President Arty McDeals twist in the wind for a month, IRL politician Mitch McConnell finally decided to throw the mook a lifeline. Despite constant screaming about women with duct tape over their mouths, Trump is getting blamed for the shutdown and even his own supporters are starting to turn on him. So Ol' Yertle summoned Mike Pence and Jared Kushner to his chambers for some #RealTalk.

"Tell Donald that he has to offer something so it looks like the Democrats are the ones who won't compromise." He said. (Probably.)

"That's great," squeaked young Jared (allegedly), "Democrats are desperate. We've got them right where we want them." McConnell blinked hard.

"No, Jared," he probably said. "They're not going to take the deal. We'd have more luck getting Mexico to pay for it. The point is to offer something silly so they turn us down, and then we try to convince the public that the shutdown is Democrats' fault."

"I don't get it," said Jared (allegedly), as Mother's boy Pence furrowed his brow and sighed through his nose. (Not allegedly, it's his signature move.)

"I know," Mitch might have said. "Believe me, I know."

Which is how President Teleprompter wound up giving a MAJOR ADDRESS yesterday offering to hold off on deporting some of the Dream Act kids for a hot second if Democrats will just give him $5.7 billion for WALL and let him expel future child arrivals without a hearing. Trump himself rescinded protections for up to a million immigrants brought here as kids as soon as he took office, but he'll let some of those hostages go if Democrats will just give him cash for that WALL that Mexico is "indirectly" paying for. Heck, he'll even let 300,000 people who fled war and natural disasters and put down roots here over decades to stay a little longer, if that's what it takes. He plans to deport them all in three years anyway, or else use them for another round of hostage negotiations. (If we re-elect That Orange Idiot, spit on the ground/sign of the horns/God forbid.)

Keep reading... Show less
Donate with CC

How often would you like to donate?

Select an amount (USD)


©2018 by Commie Girl Industries, Inc