On the first night of Hanukkah, my true love gave to me: nothing on this list, or we would've immediately broken up.

What? You're surprised I'm a member of the tribe? Don't be stupid; look at my name, of course I'm Jewish. Actually, my grandfather's birth name was Menachim Mordecai Bernstein, and after that, the family pretty much collectively decided we were never going to out-Jew that one, so we just gave up. Anyway, the point is I'm eminently qualified to be the one to share all the kitschy crap the goyim are apparently trying to sell us this year.

How do we know it's the goyim? Just look at this shit, for Hashem's sake.

Hanukkah Krispie Treats Only Have One Little Snag

On Sunday morning, Kellogg's let fly the following tweet:

Oh hey, that's nice of them! Tacky as hell, sure, but those trademarked Hanukkah Treats™ seem quite festive. We're sure there's no underlying issue here that might turn this into a laughable failure or anyth --

siskofacepalm.gif

Oh, right. Just one teeny-tiny little issue. Other planned product promotions Kellogg's might want to pump the brakes on include lobster hamentashen, cheeseburgers on afikomen, shrimp kreplach, and Yom Kippur energy bars. Christ (or as we call him, "that nice Josh boy"), this couldn't be more goyishe if it had a ham garnish.

Electric Menorahs, Because Cousin Avi Can't Be Trusted With Fire Safety After The Pesach Incident

Electric Menorahs: for the Jew who cares enough to celebrate Hanukkah, but not enough to light a fucking match. Hey, it's not like lighting the candles is the entire point of the holiday or anything.

This seems as good a time as any to let the goyim in on a little secret: Hanukkah is kind of a shit holiday. None of us really care about it -- it's like eighth on the Jewish Holiday Importance list, well below Sukkot and barely above Barbra Streisand's Birthday. Only the most delusional among us refuse to acknowledge Christmas as the objectively superior holiday. And any Jew shouting "but Hanukkah lasts for eight nights!" to argue superiority is both lying to and embarrassing themselves. Latkes are wildly overrated (you're goddamn right, I said it). Half the Jews working at Wonkette didn't even remember Sunday was the first night of Hanukkah until Kaili reminded us.

For most Jews, Hanukkah is like your Great Aunt Roz. You tolerate her repeated admonitions for you to settle down with a nice Jewish girl (or boy! Roz doesn't want to judge!) and her tendency to passive-aggressively shrug at every restaurant order, while saying "I make bettah," every holiday season because she's family, but you don't exactly look forward to her visits.

There's A Vanilla Hanukkah House For Some Reason

Why should Christians get all the weird, utterly nonsensical fun of building miniature domiciles out of confectionery, spending a week admiring their handiwork, waiting for the whole assembly to get stale, then pretending to enjoy eating them even though at that point they taste like Mr. Potter's butthole?

We've never understood the appeal of building gingerbread houses, nor do we know any Jew who does. Seriously, Manischewitz, you've been peddling us electrified alcoholic grape soda for how long now? How do you not know your audience at this point? And you couldn't even make it chocolate-flavored? Have you ever even met a Jew?

Whatever The Shit This Is

Etsy never disappoints. Granted, that depends largely on one's definition of what constitutes disappointment, but hey, you can't please everyone -- or in the case of this item, anyone. Actually, that kind of looks a little like my Great Uncle Sidney. Let's quote the description, too, because it's really a work of art:

Very cute hanukkah hat for dog or cat

Decorated with a star. Hat comes in one size that fit xs, s, m dogs ( tea cup ,small and medium) Hat stays in place with a adjustable elastic to fit all sizes. Your puppy or kitty wood look adorable in this hat . This is prefect accessory for an " elegant" pet for hanukkah

The whole thing is prefection [sic], but our favorite part is the "for dog or cat." OR CAT. Please, for the love of God, try to put this on a cat's head. Record yourself doing it, too; that's all but guaranteed to be one of the best Vines of the year.

How do we know this was created by a goy? Because we don't care how lapsed a Jew you are, you damn well know the word "yarmulke." There's also the "let's take your religious garb/hairstyle and turn it into adorable kitsch" aspect. That too.

A Preponderance Of Dreidels

There's nothing technically wrong with this picture; those are perfectly normal wooden dreidels. We're just struggling to envision a scenario in which any human being could ever possibly need this many dreidels for any reason. Every Jewish family we've ever seen does the same thing with a dreidel - you spin it once or twice, go "oooh," and then you fuck off and eat some gelt. Who is this product even for? Someone planning to start an underground illegal dreideling parlor?

But as odd as that first image is, we had another dreidel hunch, so we put in another Amazon search. We were not disappointed:

We Don't Think They Thought This One Through

We can spot just a few minor issues here.

Mensch On A Bench Is Exactly What It Sounds Like

That header didn't even really need a joke. Hell, this entire section doesn't even need a joke; we could just shriek "WHAT, NO, WHAT, NO, NO, WHAT" over and over and it'd get our point across. But we'll try.

Some of you are confused as hell right now. This is because you've been fortunate enough to have never been introduced to the Elf on the Shelf, a creation dredged from the darkest depths of human nightmare. Basically, the Elf on the Shelf is an elfin horror clown that sits in a child's bedroom, causing them thousands of future dollars in therapy spying on them to see whether they've been good children (lit. "whether they've been masturbating") before reporting back to Santa. It was conceived as a "Christmas tradition" in ages past, by which we mean 2005. It is exactly as weird and twisted as it sounds. The only good thing that has ever come from the Elf on the Shelf is this post.

Mensch on a Bench is the Jewish version of the Elf on the Shelf, and it apparently comes to us from the TV show Shark Tank. That's disappointing, because previously, the only reason we had to hate Shark Tank was literally every single thing about that show. Now, we can add "exposing Jewish kids to a miniature stuffed Harvey Fierstein in an attempt to feed off their terror" to the list. It's only a matter of time before it fuses with a Furby and starts saying things like "Now, Moishe, be good, or you won't get those nice dress socks you wanted for Hanukkah!"

But Wait, There's More!

Presumably, this activity book includes the Mensch's favorite activities. If he's anything like my grandfather, these include a world scramble that's just a long rant about how the Mensch remembers when the movies cost a nickel, a maze based on the I-95 traffic between Brooklyn and Ft. Lauderdale, and coloring in a lot of pictures of diners.

Oy Gevalt

And there you have it. Eight "Jewish Christmas" products -- one for each night! -- no actual Jew will ever buy. Herschel and the Hanukkah Goblins, these gifts are not. You're letting us down, goys. We have to say, with the Christmas-Industrial Complex in full, tacky swing, we'd figure you'd be better at this. Ah, well. There's always next year.