All The Kool Konservative Kids Are At Charlie Kirk's Palm Beach Superspreader Party

We swear to Jesus this is an unaltered screengrab we personally got of Charlie Kirk speaking at the RNC.

Young conservative buck Charlie Kirk and his inhumanly small face are hosting some kind of White(s Only) Party in Miami for all the Kool Krazy Kids of the GOP. (It is obviously not technically whites only. Just functionally.) Yes, it's the Turning Point USA superspreader accidental boner event, and you are just glad you're not there. Because there were over 10,000 cases of coronavirus reported in Florida on Tuesday alone. And you're not a goddamned moron like these people.

Oh well anyway!

We were just talking about Mike Pence, and how Donald Trump hates him now and is questioning his loyalty, because Pence appears to be prepared to do his constitutional duty and preside over the Senate on Jan. 6 as Joe Biden's superhuman landslide goes through its final certification. That will be the 65th straight day in a row Trump has lost to Biden. Anyway, Pence spoke at the Turning Point USA event, and Pence was ready. (To blow smoke up his boss's ass and pretend there's a chance Trump might still be president on Jan. 20.)

As the Future Incels of America chanted "FOUR MORE YEARS," Pence intoned:

PENCE: As OUR election contest continues, I'll make you a promise. We're gonna keep fighting until every legal vote is counted. We're gonna keep fighting until every illegal vote is thrown out! We're gonna win Georgia, we're gonna save America, and we'll never stop fighting to make America great again! You watch!

Yeah OK, Mike. Good job. You showed Trump you can still do that thing with your tongue. Congrats.

So that happened at the Cover Your Drinks party.

Vanity Fair has a good writeup on the maskless party, explaining that it started with a whole snafu where Charlie Kirk's group knew exactly what the capacity was for its Palm Beach venue, but sold too many tickets anyway, which led to Donald Trump Jr. whine-raging about liberal conspiracies and all these unfuckable deplorables banging on the door to "LET US IN!"

Once inside, this happened:

[O]ne highlight included apparent Instagram fitness models taking to the main stage and firing wads of cash into the hordes of teens and 20-somethings. The stunt was instigated by one of the conference's sponsors, energy drink company Bang. "Folks, we are trying to get that thing rolling," Bang CEO Jack Owoc declared before bills began to fly on Sunday. "Let's go, put some money in there, and let's go!" Throughout Owoc's 25-minute speech, TPUSA's attendees were blasted by the cash cannon manned by "Bang Girls." The stunt was labeled cringey by conservatives and liberals alike.

Whew. That sounds dreadful.

There was some kind of offsite suck 'n' fuck at Mar-a-Lago (which cost $2,000), featuring such luminaries as Rand Paul and Laura Ingraham.

Rep. Matt Gaetz, former Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski, South Dakota Governor Kristi Noem, longtime Trump associate Roger Stone, and White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany, were just a few of the night's right-wing celebrity sightings.

OK, sounds like that was the Cover Your Drinks party. You know, just to be sure.

Back at the conference, Donald Trump called and whined about the imaginary landslide he thinks he won in his feeble mind. Charlie Kirk tweeted it out, saying "Young Americans have your back 100% Mr. President!"

To be fair, Charlie Kirk doesn't know many young Americans.

Aaron Rupar tweeted a video of Charlie Kirk coming onstage with some kind of booming electronic montage that's doing its best to be cool. As Kirk approaches the mic, you almost can't hear him greet the crowd, not because everybody is cheering, but because you took off your headphones because it's all such a piece of shit.

We imagine every minute Charlie Kirk's face is onstage is like a live-action game of Where's Waldo, so that's probably fun for the kids.

Here is Charlie Kirk whining about the time he deleted Twitter because he was upset that he was texting with his "friend" and his friend saw him tweet something stupid and his "friend" quote tweeted it to say it was really dumb, and Charlie Kirk is just really upset about this, you guys:

What a heartbreaking story that was. Of course, Charlie Kirk tweets so many stupid things, we don't know what this possibly could have been about. Maybe this thing about counties he tweeted the other day:

Yep, that's pretty stupid. It's almost like the counties that voted for Donald Trump are sparsely populated by syphilitic cows and the ones that voted for Biden are full of people.

Point is, Charlie Kirk is having a conference and Mike Pence tongued Donald Trump at it and the music sucks and Charlie Kirk sucks, and some of those kids are almost certainly going to take coronavirus home to their Nanas on Christmas and Nana will be dead by New Year's.

Hope shilling for your shithole president was worth it, Charles.


[Vanity Fair]

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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