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All These White Dudes Need To Stop Whitesplaining About What 'Slavery' Is

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So you think you know what slavery is. Maybe you only just realized it was "really really bad." Or maybe you already knew it was "really really bad," so anything that you don't like because it is really really bad is just exactly the same thing. "Ronan Farrow's new show is slavery." "That dry overcooked chicken was slavery." "Being forced to rent hotel rooms to black dudes against my will because the Civil Rights Act demands that if I am the proprietor of a 'public accommodation,' or public-facing inn, restaurant, or retail establishment, I may not discriminate on the basis of color, race, religion, or national origin, is slavery."


Luckily, Judson Phillips, president of Tea Party Nation, is here to explain what slavery actually is, and it is being forced to bake cakes shaped like penises, because that is exactly what is going to happen now that Jan Brewer has vetoed the "religious freedom to discriminate" act SB 1062. Let us hear some more. HINT! IF YOU ARE AT WORK! WE WILL NOW SEE CAKES SHAPED LIKE PENISES! TO ILLUSTRATE 'SLAVERY.' NOT SAFE FOR WORK!

Judson Phillips, tell us again about slavery! Is this slavery?

Or did you have something else in mind?

Why is this bill so important and what did it mean for not only Arizona but America?

The issue can be boiled down to one word: Freedom.

A free man or woman controls their labor. A slave has no control over their labor. A free man or woman decides who they will work for and under what conditions. The slave cannot.

The left and the homosexual lobby are both pushing slavery using the Orwellian concepts of “tolerance” and “inclusiveness.”

To be fair, because we are always fair, Judson is not specifically railing against the provisions of the Civil Rights Act and calling them slavery; that was just a bunch of yahoos on Twitter, who, goaded by Damian clone Ben Shapiro, whose childhood back yard might yield an answer to the long-ago mystery of What Ever Happened to the Neighborhood Cats, explained time and time again that the state cannot force you to enter into contracts (i.e., serve people you don't want to in your business that is open to the public), because that is the same thing as slavery. It turns out Rand and Ron Paul aren't the only Americans who think the Civil Rights Act is un-American. It also turns out that Ben Shapiro's flying monkeys may not be as numerous as Michelle Malkin's flying monkeys, but what they lack in numbers they make up for in brain damage.

But wait, you are saying. What about the penis cakes? Judson Phillips, president of Tea Party Nation, can you peniscakesplain?

Should a devote baker [sic] be required to create a cake for a homosexual wedding that has a giant phallic symbol on it or should a baker be required to create pastries for a homosexual wedding in the shape of genitallia [sic]? Or should a photographer be required to photograph a homosexual wedding where the participants decide they want to be nude or engage in sexual behavior? Would they force a Jewish photographer to work a Klan or Nazi event? How about forcing a Muslim caterer to work a pork barbeque dinner?

If all you gays don't IMMEDIATELY go out and hire Christian bakers and force them to make penis cakes, we will disown each and every one of you. Let's google penis cakes on the Internet and see which one is right for your nude orgy nuptials, staffed exclusively by Seventh Day Adventists and whatever Judson Phillips is!

Is it this one?

How about this one?

Maybe this one, for the ladies?

No, it is none of those. Those don't have the loving attention to detail that is the mark of a fine Christian penis cake artist, for your elegant nude orgy wedding with Muslim pork and Jewish Klansmen.

This is your gay wedding penis cake right here.

You can tell, because it has a butt in it too. You're welcome, Gaymerica! Now let's go make some slaves!

Follow the Editrix on Twitter, if you love idiots, and watching them fight.

[RightWingWatch / most cakes from TheLuxurySpot]

Rebecca Schoenkopf

Rebecca Schoenkopf is the owner, publisher, and editrix of Wonkette. She is a nice lady, SHUT UP YUH HUH. She is very tired with this fucking nonsense all of the time, and it would be terrific if you sent money to keep this bitch afloat. She is on maternity leave until 2033.

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On Monday, someone attempted to murder George Soros by putting a bomb in his mailbox. Also on Monday, someone threw a rock into House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy's office. Also, I spilled some hot coffee on myself. These are all things that happened on Monday, and were by some measure unpleasant. While most people might say, "Yes, all of those things are unpleasant, but they are not equal degrees of unpleasant," most people are not Chuck Schumer.

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Republicans are KILLIN' IT in Florida, you guys! No worries about election day, Gators. It's all smooooooth sailing for the Sunshine State GOP. Just take it from Governor Rick Scott's lead pollster Wes Anderson, who produced a whimsical, unskewed poll for the campaign, featuring nostalgic jams about high Republican turnout in those good old days, telling the Tampa Bay Times,

As the linked slides indicate, Governor Scott currently leads Senator Nelson 51% to 46%, a lead that is outside of the margin of error.

It should also be noted that this sample from last week is very robust at 2,200 interviews of likely voters, stratified by county to reflect historic mid-term turnout. Our sample shows the Republicans with a one-point turnout advantage, even though we believe we will end up with a two- or three-point advantage. For historical context, in the past two mid-term elections Republicans had a four-point advantage in 2010 and a three-point advantage in 2014. At R+1, that makes our current sample a very conservative take on the likely partisan composition of this year's electorate.

NEEDZ MOAR BILL MURRAY.

No other pollster has replicated those numbers, with SurveyUSA, Quinnipiac, and CNN/SSRS all finding Bill Nelson in the lead, but if OnMessage, Inc. says Scott is running way ahead, then it must be true! Only OnMessage promises to "take your principles, your experience, and your opponent's weaknesses to develop a winning message plan that the voters will embrace." And who wouldn't trust a push pollster, right?

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