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This will probably be news to you, America, but you are nanomilimicroseconds away from falling head over heels for Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker. True, you don't love him now, and you've been liking him less and less all year, but that's about to change. How do we know? Not because it says so on his hat, but because he said it, which pretty much makes it a fact. So, BOOM, ta da, and case closed.

 


Walker appeared on NBC's "Meet the Press" on Sunday to talk a whole bunch of stuff to Chuck Todd, including why he's not at all concerned about his tanking numbers. Why?

When people see the benefits of our reforms, just like they did four years ago, I think our numbers will go up again.

Oh, that's interesting. Is that how it worked four years ago?

Well, you know, four years ago, I was so low in the polls they called me "Dead Man Walker," because back then, we were pushing big, bold reforms, kind of like the big, bold reforms, again, we push in this latest budget. A year later, I won the recall with a higher percentage of votes, a higher number of votes.

Why? Because our reforms worked.

Sure. That. Why not? Walker's "reforms" were so gosh dangit popular, that's why his job approval rating right now is at a whopping 39 percent. (That is bad, in case you didn't know.) And of course Walker's reforms worked out terrifically for his state, except for how that is also very not true.

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But anyway. Once the rest of the country hears about Walker's neat reform ideas to do to America, everyone will get a funny feeling in their pants, and then they'll be like, "Ohhhh yeah, totally ready to have a wet spot for Walker now!"

Take his ideas about immigration, for example, which Donald Trump totally copied from him. Except for the parts, like backspacing birthright citizenship out of the Constitution, that Walker may, or may not, agree with. Should Americans born in America be American citizens, like it says right there in the 14th Amendment? Yes. Or no. Or maybe! Or maybe not. Or maybe you shouldn't even bother asking him because he thinks that's one of those dumb questions he'd rather not answer.

I said, whether it's talking about the 14th amendment or anything else, until we secure the border and enforce the laws, we shouldn't be talking about any other issue out there. And politicians that do are trying to distract from the fact that, for years, in this town, Washington D.C., politicians have made promises about securing the border and enforcing the laws they haven't been able to fulfill.

Fine, Scott Walker, if you don't feel up to discussing the topic all the other Republican candidates are discussing right now, what do you want to talk about? Building a wall on the northern border of US America too, so we can keep out all the Canasexicans, hahahaha?

Yes, actually:

Some people have asked us about that in New Hampshire. They raised some very legitimate concerns, including some law enforcement folks that brought that up to me at one of our town hall meetings about a week and a half ago. So that is a legitimate issue for us to look at.

Oh. And we thought we were joking.

In that case, what about an electric fence around the entire country? Is that a legitimate topic? Wouldn't it be a good way to keep all the illegal immigration illegals from sneaking into our country by swimming to the shores of Seattle? Sure, it might keep Alaskans locked out, but screw those guys up there, we hear they're a bunch of red welfare state moochers, and they all have chlamydia. And Walker is awful concerned about sexxytime health, after all, at least to the extent that he thinks abortion patients should have to look at ultrasounds because they are just so "cool." But maybe the icky disease stuff is a distraction? Or maybe it's not a distraction, but it is "lame," like minimum wage?

Gosh, with Walker, you just never know what's worth talking about, what's better left alone, what's cool, what's lame, and what's going to make him have that confused "Uh oh, did I just make a doody in my pants again?" face. Which might not be all that appealing to Republican primary voters, but at least it entertains the hell out of us.

So that's something.

[NBC News]

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