America Descends Into Spiral of Free Birth Control and Manicures

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Just yesterday, Kenyan Supervillain President Obama was plotting the grand finale of his economic assault on America (mostly throughangry illustrations of himself standing next to John Boehner on top of a cake, as it is done in New York City) when he got bored for a minute and decided to allow all the ladies of the U.S.A. to get free birth control pills! "That will really throw them off," he cackled, while eating cigarettes. Health insurers will now be required to cover contraception and other lady things without additional cost to said ladies. Somewhere in Alaska or maybe Scottsdale (who knows cares?) Bristol Palin is throwing a boxed wine-flavored temper tantrum, because if girls stop getting knocked up, who will pay Bristol Palin to lecture them on teen motherhood? And Princess Bristol is not the only one who is upset about this, because it starts with free birth control, and then all of a sudden this is "Red China" and everyone is getting free foot massages.


The ladies of Fox News' Curling Iron Residue Guild convened this morning to discuss how seriously awful this new birth control situation is for America's women. Concerned guest Sandy Rios pointed out just how slippery this heavily lubricated sex slope is: "We’re $14 trillion in debt and now we’re going to cover birth control, breast pumps, counseling for abuse? Are we going to do pedicures and manicures as well?” Yeah, abused women, we know you enjoy your outings to the counseling center, but this isn't a sleepover party. Priorities!

Yes, obviously, "Having a baby is not the worst thing." The worst thing is being a baby that belongs to this country's millions of Worst Things. [ThinkProgress]

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