American Hero Tom Cotton Wins Thrilling Battle With Random Twitter Intern

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Tom Cotton still doesn't know what “censorship" means. The Arkansas senator and sociopath whined to his "Fox & Friends" Wednesday that Twitter tried to “censor" him when the company briefly threatened to lock his account. Twitter is a private business and Cotton has no constitutional right to use its platform to promote war crimes or otherwise beg for attention.

BRIAN KILMEADE: Senator, Twitter threatened to stop your account in its tracks?

COTTON: Yeah, Brian, that's exactly right. I can reveal now for the first time what happened a couple weeks ago. You know, I came on this program ... and we talked about the rioting and the looting and the need, if necessary, to use military to back up our police if they were outnumbered by these rioters and looters and anarchists.

The heavily armed police, clad in riot gear, are so outnumbered by random “anarchists" that they barely have time to fracture old men's skulls, beat up women, and partially blind photographers. They definitely need the Marines, maybe even some nukes.


COTTON: Apparently, that didn't sit well with the Twitter Thought Police.

People need to actually read 1984 or even listen to the wonderful Simon Prebble-narrated audiobook. Maybe then they'll stop calling a private platform or publication with any editorial standards the “Thought Police." George Orwell's Thought Police are a lot like our actual police when it comes to breaking into your home with a no-knock warrant and “administering an ass kicking well." The brutality and torture were a bigger issue than just “policing thoughts," which is what conservatives consider not having their stupid thoughts broadcast 24/7 like they're a common Big Brother.

COTTON: One of their low-level employees in Washington, DC, contacted my office out of the blue and said, “You have to delete these tweets in 30 minutes or we're gonna permanently lock your account.

OK, when Cotton signed up for Twitter, he agreed to its terms of service, which prohibits the glorification of violence and outright threats of violence. The tweets aren't somehow less problematic when they're from a sitting senator instead of some MAGA asshole. Although in Cotton's case, that's a distinction without a difference.

COTTON: We asked for a explanation of why this was. It was not really forthcoming. They cited a policy that didn't apply to my situation.

Citing a policy for why his tweets were hot garbage seems reasonably forthcoming. Twitter clearly states that "You may not threaten violence against an individual or a group of people." Even conservatives Nate Bell and David French agreed Cotton's tweets promoted war crimes, which are illegal and not metaphorical “crimes" like his haircut. If Twitter policy is too restrictive for Cotton's fascism, he should seek another platform for his grossness, one with fewer ethical and moral standards, like the TV network that let him whine to millions of people.

COTTON: We sent them back some clear evidence of my meaning on Twitter, and they said, “We're gonna consider this." We waited them out. We called their bluff for 30 minutes. They didn't lock my account, and within two hours they finally got back to us and said, “OK, you can keep your post up."

Wow, that was a minor convenience! The Twitter "Thought Police" are more accommodating than their literary counterparts.

1984 (5/11) Movie CLIP - Caught in the Bedroom (1984) HD www.youtube.com

Cotton describes this clash of the titans between himself and a "low-level" Twitter employee in a Fox News op-ed. This is the actual headline, we swear:

Fox News

Cotton's clueless self-importance coupled with an irrational persecution complex recalls a line from Homer Simpson: "Everyone was against me in that jury room, but I stood by the courage of my convictions and I prevailed, and that's why we had Chinese food for lunch."

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Stephen Robinson

Stephen Robinson is a writer and social kibbitzer based in Portland, Oregon. He's on the board of the Portland Playhouse theater and writes for the immersive theater Cafe Nordo in Seattle. Tickets are on sale now for his latest Nordo collaboration, "Curiouser and Curiouser," an adaptation of "Alice's Adventures in Wonderland" and "Through the Looking Glass." It promises to feel like an actual evening with SER (for good or for ill).

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