An Airing Of Grievances

Yesterday was Festivus, and in the best spirit of the holiday, I just want to share my own Airing of Grievances from last night's Festivus dinner, which was a huge success until my cat pinned me to the couch with purring and soft furry head butts, besting me in the Feats of Strength. I wasn't about to set him down. Thus did the holiday end. Or maybe it hasn't ended, because at this point Thornton is clearly the head of the household and I have yet to pin him.

The smug little bastard.

And so, my grievances. Some of these may be painful for you to hear, but let's hope they make you a better person, not that you've ever listened to good advice before, you.

For one thing, just because I do a weekly "Nice Things" column, too many of you think I'm nice. I am in fact a seething kettle of resentments and petty snits, but you don't see them because I hide it so well. Also, look at Thornton's iddle paws. (I can't stand him!)

And another thing! Some Of You People need to at least glance at the text of the article before you write a comment. There's often more to a story than the headline. It really grinds my gears when I write an article about a thing and then somebody in the comments drops in some factoid or other that was discussed in the article, as if it were wholly new information. Sometimes they'll even frame it as if the article had left that out. (This could not possibly be the result of my writing pieces that are too damn long. Besides, if I made 'em shorter, then I might leave something out!)

Along similar lines, maybe look through the story to see if the joke you wanted to make in the comments is already in the story. That makes you look small, you know. I'm enough of a hack that I'll probably have put the most obvious in there already, after all.

You know what people do that I don't like? It's fine to respond to references by just posting a gif or video of the thing being referenced. A mention of Illinois Nazis pretty much invites someone to reply with the clip from The Blues Brothers. But I'm mystified by the occasional reply that simply names the source of the reference, as if there were a quiz. If you know that "There is no Dana Milbank, only Zuul" is a joke, it's weird to reply "That is from Ghostbusters." Thanks for letting me know! Stretch yourself and make a Ghostbusters joke of your own! Jesus.

I shouldn't be annoyed by people who just plain don't seem aware that a joke has happened, because they are more to be pitied. Happily, I'm pretty sure this rando example from Twitter isn't one of you, so you can breathe a little easier. If it was one of you, please come see me during office hours so we can correct your behavior.

Go ahead and add your own Simpsons "That's the joke" gif. Oh, but this reply IS from a Wonker, and it's the sort of thing all of you should aspire to:

Or you could just reply "Hey, that's from Watchmen!" and call it a day.

Oh yes, and I also detest war, racism, structural inequality, and exploitation, too. But I'm pretty sure none of you are behind those, so you're in good shape. If I find out you are, man, are you gonna hear about it.

Happy Festivus, you filthy fuckaducks! I love you all. Even if you get on my nerves ALL THE TIME.

Also, look at this little jerk, gloating over his victory.

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Doktor Zoom

Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.


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