An Ode To Donald Trump And A Peen For Wonkette: 2015's Worstest Deleted Comments
Another year gone by, and another torrent of deleted comments from the finest collection of loons, goons, and poltroons a comments moderator could ever wish would just go away. With our new Disqus commenting system came a whole flood of new commenters, and some days found Yr Dok Zoom swinging the Banhammer of Loving Correction like a veritable John Henry of the comments section, which Yr Wonkette doesn't even allow.
We must confess that while there were many worthy contributions to the deletia pile, 2015 failed to bring us a single phrase as memorable as 2014's "You are the opitomy of a dumb ass." This leaves us sad and mildly dyspeptic. But there was plenty of fine derp to be had nonetheless, such as this excellent November 1 contribution from a reader calling himself "Reagan40," who loved him some Ben Carson and hated him a whole bunch of sinning:
If godlessness, unrighteousnes, moral relativity, despisers/accusers of those that are good, atheism, haters of God, homosexuality, bestiality, drunkenness, threesomeness, pursuit of pleasure, dogging etc etc are the most fashionable stance, please count me out!!
Please get on with your AIDS infected wasted gay life…good riddance to stinking rubbish!!
We have to say we were disappointed, as threesomeness turned out to not be the least bit trendy this year.
We received more creative wordsmithing just two weeks later, from someone calling themselves "Skalamoosh," though we seriously doubt they can do the fandango. Skalamoosh sussed out exactly how vile and ugly our little snark mob is, and determined that "this website is highly biased toward bashing Christians," because we say nice things about The Gays fairly often. Skalamoosh wanted us to know that they would not tarry one moment further in this den of iniquity:
Jesuphobia, Responsibiliphobia, moraliphobia are running rampant up in here. I’m sure this comment will be deleted, because I can tell that anything remotely close to defending Christianity is instantly slashed from this forum.
Thunderbolts and lightning, very very frightening! But the joke is on Skalamoosh: Sure, we banned them from commenting, but now their comment has been featured twice on Wonkette.
Our Dishonorable Mention goes to someone simply named "Joe," for his self-censored cri de butthurt on Hillary Clinton's testimony in the Benghazi hearings. It's sort of a one-shot compendium of rightwing shouting points:
[You’re] the stupid dumbf**k. Think about it, Hillary is nothing more than a LIAR, MURDER, SWINDLER, THIEF, and a sad sad excuse for a human being. If people like you defend her, you are no better than her. As I say, you get what you vote for. Just look at what Obama has done to this once wonderful country. Turned it into the laughing stock of the world. Go ahead and support the liberals and this country will be like the Soviet Union was in the 50’s and 60’s. Everyone starving, country broke, no hope. Just keep it up and you will get what you wish for, my friend. BTW don’t bother spewing that it’s Bush’s fault you idiot.
We were disconcerted to learn that we are a murder just like Hillz, even though to the best of our knowledge neither of us is a group of crows. "Joe" had other manly American thoughts on manly American matters as well:
- Nothing else to see here but a bunch of idiots and commie lovers and people who don’t understand anything about what America stands for. Liberty Freedom and the pursuit of Happiness. These people want nothing but free shit.
- I have fucked a few (lib)tard ladies in my life. Can’t say they were nothing more than a bad piece of ass.
- I’ll tell you boy, my blood would right this libtard dying country.
Somehow, Joe managed a multiple-comment visit to Wonkette without any obsessive thoughts on gay sex, although it's entirely possible that we simply banhammered him before he got around to that.
Second Runner-Up for Deleted Comment of the Year goes to someone who did give far too much thought to What Gays Do. One "Vincent Beamin" advised us that the Ghey Sex isn't actually sex at all. Which is strange, since so many people want to outlaw this thing which does not exist, according to Science:
Homos are fake, they are know for the way they have sex, YET only one real sex organ is being used during “gay” sex so it’s really masturbation. Besides no human has ever been created from the “gay” sexual interface….. so the God you don’t believe in is still blocking them from sex. They forgot that God is the one who made humans not Obama.
That last bit is really disappointing; you get the sense that Vincent felt the need to slam Obama somehow, but could only fit him in as an afterthought.
First Runner Up goes to “A.K. Dan,” the garrulous Drunk Uncle who spammed any number of websites in June with his very own personal theory that Secretary of State John Kerry never broke his leg in a cycling accident in France. Rather, the REAL TRUTH is that Kerry barely survived an assassination attempt by ISIS, the radical Islamic terror group that Barack Obama and John Kerry personally created. A.K. Dan was pretty upset that we never gave him the courtesy of contacting him before we wrote a story about his theory, which was his and belonged to him, even though he made a point of sending it to our tips inbox, and CC'd it to about 20 other media organizations. You'd think he'd be grateful that we wrote about it while CNN ignored it, but no:
Hey Rebecca, Sweetheart (Wonkette), although you didn’t give me a ‘heads up’ about slamming me in your little ‘Communist dribble’, I’m letting you know that I just mentioned YOU on my lovely website www ak47world.com
In all his commentary about our rudeness to him, he continued to insist that Rebecca was the one who had somehow defamed him, although it was Yr Dok Zoom who actually wrote the article in question. We have to say, we felt a bit left out. A.K. Dan sent a second email to Yr Editrix, just to be sure she understood he had a “tip” for her. Get it? Get it? A TIP!:
I’ve got a ‘Tip’ for you, Sweetheart !!!
The tip of my Cock, darlin’ !!!
And hey Rebecca, your boy, ‘Barry-the-Fairy’ Obama must have been really worried about all the Russian Intelligence accusations, because today #TeamObama released a picture allegedly of Kerry in a Hospital room ?
Oh & thanks for making me even more ‘noticed’ by #TeamObama, because according to his FBI & Secret Service Goons, I’m supposedly trying to overthrow his corrupt regime !!!
Why just take a gander at my lovely website www.ak47world.com & be sure to scroll down to my ‘bullets’ & see my “Clinton AK47 Deal” page.
Dan The A-K Man King !!!
We're not sure what Dan made of later video showing Kerry actually getting around on crutches; perhaps he had by then replaced by a symbiont. Also, we'd like to remind him one last time that outside of Twitter, hashtags are #UtterlyPointless. We doubt he'll #GetIt.
And finally, our Grand Prize winner (definitely an "iPhone"), from a "Dave Francis," a vers libre classic on the inevitable ascendancy of Donald Trump; the line breaks seem to be an artifact of whatever program he originally typed in, but they give the whole screed a strange beauty:
AMERICA NEEDS A HARD MAN AS TRUMP, INSTEAD OF INEPT, WEAK PRESIDENTS AS OBAMA.
BUILDING A WALL BETWEEN THE US/MEXICO HE HAS MY VOTE. A COURAGEOUS HURRAH FOR
trust Trump more than any other Pontius Pilot who runs our country.
Trump has no barriers to
his ability to be President. He is honest, straight to the bare metal speech
making. He was sincerely effective with
a stunned audience. In his opening statement, he said “When did we beat Mexico? They’re laughing at us at the
border,” he said. “The U.S. has become a dumping ground for
everybody else’s problems. It’s true,” he said, referring to Mexico sending America “drugs, rapists,” and of course
impoverished people. “It’s gotta stop,” he said, “and it’s gotta stop fast.”
Cries of “We want Trump”
were sporadic to his issues, from growing excitement in the crowds.
OH! And the dirt diggers are out in
force already, as they are afraid, very afraid. They are going to lose their
money making machines in Mexico,
and the transnational corporations, and the slime ball that crawls around our
nation’s capitol. AND DONALD, WATCH YOUR BACK?
Someday, someone (Morgan Freeman? William Shatner? Christopher Walken?) will give this the dramatic reading it deserves, and a YouTube classic will be born. Although maybe it might be improved just a teensy bit by following "AND DONALD, WATCH YOUR BACK?" with "Beside the white chickens."
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.