An Open Letter To Donald Trump Re: Buy Everything Day At WonketteBazaar.com
We see that Barry Bamz has not taken you up on your generous offer, and that despite your
seditious patriotic efforts to spark a pro-liberty uprising, every indication is that That One is still on track to be inaugurated for a second term in January. So here you are, with $5 million that you know won't be going to Barry, and that you didn't even bother to give to victims of SuperStormaGanza Sandy. And here we are, ready to unleash upon U.S. America a veritable maelstrom of merchandise, which, when combined with the frenzied capitalistic excesses of Buy Everything Day, threatens to blanket every city, town, hamlet, and ophelia in the nation with Progressive-oriented tees, coffee mugs, hats, and tote bags.
Yes, tote bags, Donald, the sort of bags that people might very well use to tote things. Things that they will want the government to give them, free, because they are Takers. And these amazingly well-crafted and aesthetically-pleasing items all promote things you hate, Donald, spreading the word that the people wearing, drinking out of, or toting things in them are denginerates, and SHEEP flouride drinking FLITH who are bent on pushing their liberal ideas down everyone's throat and waving correctly-spelled protest signs, too.
But you can stop all that, Donald. Your money has a way to shut that whole thing down.
Sure, we're liberals, but we're also, at heart, a little like you. Willing to overlook a bit of months-old caviar if there's a few bucks to be made. And like you, we know a few things about the Art of the Dealio. So, tell you what: You send us that five million, and we'll let you have all our high-quality snark-promoting merch, including such gems as the Old Handsome Joe coffee mug and the spiffy Wonkette hats. They'll all be gone, off the market. Even though they'd make perfect gifts for friends, family, or that nice young man in the beret and sunglasses who held the door open for voters in Philadelphia. And did we mention that soon we'll be offering the finest in panties, too? We can think of a recently-reelected county prosecutor in Ohio who might like some of those.
We even make it absurdly easy for our internet-savvy readers to pay: via PayPal, or “PayPal Advanced” to pay with a credit card without having to have a stupid paypal account. (We know they freak many of librul sheeple out.) From you, Trumpy, we'll want a cashier's check.
Look, Donaldo, if you don't take this opportunity, the raving commies who read Wonkette are going to storm our virtual gates and buy it ALL at our insanely reasonable prices, and they are going to wear it. Even the coffee cups. Out in public. Where they will recruit others to read Wonkette. And then you can just kiss your little dream of reclaiming America for the 1% goodbye.
Tell you what, you come across with the 5 mil, and we'll even send you our college transcripts.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.