And Now For Your Daily Update On Jerry Falwell's Dick
Where were we?
Sometimes when a man and a woman love each other, and the man is the president of an evangelical Christian clown college and is friends with the pussy-grabbing authoritarian president of America, they get married and then they meet a 20-year-old pool boy named "Giancarlo" and they are like "Oh hey, Giancarlo, is that the Holy Bible in your pocket, or is it your boner?" and he is like "Oh it's just my boner" and they are like "Good, we really aren't into that Holy Bible shit when we aren't profiting financially from it" and the pool boy is like "cool" and they are like "cool" and so they start having a sexual affair with the pool boy for years and years, where the lady does nakeds with the pool boy while the clown college Christian leader husband plays shadows puppets with his weener and watches in the corner, and they end up giving the pool boy SWEET business deals that kinda sorta look like payoffs, and fly him all over the country in their jet, and maybe there's a similar arrangement with the hot jacked personal trainer, but we're not sure yet, but anyway then everybody finds out and the man has to quit being a clown college Christian leader, WOMP WOMP.
ALLEGEDLY. We may have left out a few details. Like the part where the man cries "EXTORTION!" at the pool boy who was, again, 20 when this all started.
Jerry Falwell Jr. has quit his job at Liberty University. But that doesn't mean there aren't MORE LURIDS TO DROP.
In a Politico story about how in 2015, before Donald Trump announced, Jerry tried to buy Giancarlo Granda out of the gay-friendly youth hostel he co-owned with Jerry's son Trey, we learn more disgusting details about THE SEXXXENING, and how it started in 2012:
"During my work shift at the Fontainebleau Hotel in March 2012, I was chatting with some girls my age (20 at the time)," Granda told POLITICO. "Becki said, 'Those girls don't know what they're doing, you need someone with more experience.'"
After chatting, Granda said, Becki suggested they go to a hotel room.
"And then she goes, 'But one thing.' And I'm like, "Okay.' And she's like, 'My husband likes to watch.' And just then he comes out and he's wearing a Speedo."
Totally normal. And now you are imagining Jerry Falwell in a Speedo. And for once, when we implant a nasty image in your brain like that, we are sorry.
Granda also told Politico that, on top of Jerry watching from the corner, sometimes he would watch them "remotely through video cameras."
By the way, Granda thought Jerry was trying to buy him out to cover up the evidence of that thing Giancarlo did with his dick and with Jerry's wife. And Granda did accept that buyout, but Jerry never coughed up the cash he agreed to "cough up." Which we guess is what Jerry is calling "extortion," since Granda still hasn't gotten his damn money, for the hotel the Falwells set him up with in partnership with their son while Granda was was serving as personal fuckboy to Mrs. Falwell. Allegedly.
Shut up, your pastor probably does all the same stuff.
By the way, Becki Falwell is now talking. Remember how just before this news came out, Jerry threw Becki directly under a bus, saying she had just had this terribly embarrassing affair, but he forgave her, and also don't worry, his dick was not in the room at the time? Which is just a very common thing to say about your wife's affair. "She cheated on me, but don't worry, I was not personally involved in the sex!"
Becki Falwell is throwing herself under a bus now, telling the Washington Post that Jerry is saying the truth, and that he was definitely not part of the sex arrangement with the pool boy. She's also clearly trying to set her and old Speedo Peen up for their redemption story, BLAMING OTHER CHRISTIANS for judging them for all the fucking, which is just oh my god so rich, coming from these two homophobic shitweaseling crapsacks. She spoke to the AP:
Becki Falwell [said] she and her husband are "more in love than ever" — a sentiment echoed by an audibly tearful Jerry Falwell.
"We have the strongest relationship, and Jerry is the most forgiving person I've ever met," she said. "It's a shame that Christians can't give us the same forgiveness that Christ gave us."
Oh go fuck yourself while Jerry watches. Good lord.
In the same interview with the AP, Jerry threw Becki under the bus again:
"That's the only reason I resigned: because I don't want something my wife did to harm the school I've spent my whole life building."
Asshole! He's an asshole. She's an asshole. They're all assholes.
Granda says everything the Falwells are saying right now is some serious horseshit, and we are sorry, we believe the pool boy. He also said in a statement on Tuesday that Jerry is a "predator," and yep, we still believe the pool boy! And Granda says he's not just saying that about his own particular situation with the Falwells:
In a statement Tuesday, Granda accused Falwell of being a "predator," saying he'd sent Granda an image of a female Liberty University student exposing herself at their farm.
Falwell said Granda may have been referring to an incident when he and his wife were out of town. His daughters-in-law and a friend were using the family's guest house to cook a meal, Falwell said, and the friend pulled up her skirt, as a joke, while she was cooking.
The daughters-in-law were videotaping the girl, and sent screenshots around, Falwell said. "She had on, I don't know how to say this, granny panties," he said, saying the image wasn't sexual.
Love it when you send your wife's fuck buddy a HILARIOUS picture of a co-ed wearing granny panties at your farm when you are not there. That is just a thing that always happens. Just like when you are at a yacht party with a woman what is not your wife and you take a picture of yourselves drinking non-alcoholic "black water" and your panties are unzipped because, well, it's the funniest story, let Jerry tell you what happened! #NOSEX
Still waiting to hear the real story of Ben Crosswhite, the personal trainer who also got a lucrative real estate deal from the Falwells and definitely appears to be their type. You know, if there's a story, not that we're saying there is, but definitely not saying there's not.
Oh well, guess we'll just wait for that cock to flop out. Assuming there is a cock to flop out.
In the meantime, don't weep your tears all over Jerry's Speedo, because while he may not be fun-employed, it sounds like he might get a $10.5 million payout from Liberty University over the next couple of years.
IDEA: Maybe he could use some of it to PAY UP the guy who's been fucking his wife while he watches all these years.
You know, allegedly.
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