Jesus, Rudy! If you're going to go on television and call Stormy Daniels a lying harlot, try not to wave your dick around in front of the hotel staff. Here's a local news story of America's Mayor touring a tiny hospital in New Hampshire to learn about, ahem, medical records.

You see, Rudy isn't just the president's lawyer. He's also a lobbyist for foreign dictators. And that means cybersecurity and ... THIS SHIT MAKES NO SENSE AT ALL. Anyway, after Dr. Maria Ryan gave Giuliani the grand tour, the two of them headed for the Mountain View Grand Resort and Spa in Whitefield.

PSA, Wonkers: If you're stepping out on your partner, keep out of Whitefield, New Hampshire! Page Six got allll the dirt from Mountain View staff.

After dinner, "the woman went back to his room with him," a waitress told The Post.

"We were all surprised because he is really getting on in years, and she was quite a bit younger than him. We were all like, 'Hmmm,' " the server added.

Hmmmm, indeed! After enjoying his "$32 beef rib," Giuliani and Ryan retired to the private theater.

A male assistant for the former New York City mayor made sure that his boss was on the hotel's "VIP list'' and arranged for him to watch "The Godfather" and "Godfather II" in its private movie-screening room."

[ Giuliani] was VIP, so when he requested the movies, I made sure to have them ready for him," a hotel employee said. "We all recognized him right away. We were all very impressed."

Then they went upstairs to the Summit Suite with its "king-size, wood-frame bed, spacious balcony and curated library" to do ... NOTHING.

[W]hen pressed about whether he had ever a sexual relationship with Ryan, he said, "I never spent the night with her. There's no proof. There can't be because we never did anything."

Yes, they were just having a no-spouses slumber party. They braided each other's hair all night long and told secrets in their PJs. They ate all the gummy bears and Laffy Taffy that Mrs. Ryan's mom sent and they didn't even feel sick! Eventually the staff had to come in and say, "Lights out, kids!" You betcha!

Hey, Judith Nathan, Rudy's recently estranged wife! Care to comment?

My husband's denial of the affair with the married Mrs. Ryan is as false as his claim that we were separated when he took up with her.

So this goes back, huh? Like maybe all the way to May?

CNN reported on May 11:

The former New York City mayor, who recently joined Trump's legal team, appeared for a morning hearing for a criminal defendant. According to court documents, the defendant was in a car crash on May 18, 2016, in Broward County. She is accused of fraudulently purchasing auto insurance online just 10 minutes after the crash and providing false and misleading information to the insurance company.

And the defendant's name? VANESSA RYAN. Wow, that was mighty nice of Rudy to travel all the way to Florida to defend Maria Ryan's daughter in court. At the time, he told the Daily Mail that Ms. Ryan was an employee.

'I came to show the court she is just a young woman who made a mistake,' Giuliani said by telephone after his appearance. 'Like a character witness if you wish.'

She works for me and I'm in the best position to show she should be given a break in this instance.

Ummm, okay. Her LinkedIn page says she works for JetBlue, but sure, buddy!

Now, we at Wonkette give absolutely zero fucks what consenting adults do with their bathing suit bits. Rudy Giuliani's wandering dick is none of our business. EXCEPT, that he's appointed himself Chief of the Morality Police. And if you go on television and say that Stormy Daniels can't sue for defamation because she works in porn, your nasty personal life is fair game.

I respect women - beautiful women and women with value - but a woman who sells her body for sexual exploitation I don't respect. Tell me what damage she suffered. Someone who sells his or her body for money has no good name.

As are your porn habits.

People in glass houses, etc. And maybe next time leave a better tip, Rudy!

Follow your FDF on Twitter!

Would you donate to Wonkette if we promised not to talk about Rudy's dick for the rest of the day?

[ PageSix / PageSix, again / CNN / Daily Mail]