In case you were wondering, Donald Trump has been hard at work ever since that press conference yesterday where he declared himself king and tried in vain to get his dick hard for three solid hours, right there on camera where kids could see.

See? Hard work.

Look! More hard work.

If you don't think that's hard work, you've obviously never tried to tweet with tiny Barbie doll fingers.

So Trump is declaring himself king, Trump is tweeting weird things about mutiny, Trump thinks his Mutiny On The Bounty tweet was clever. (We are not sure Trump knows what Mutiny On The Bounty is about.) Oh yeah, and Trump is VERY MAD as usual at New York Governor Andrew Cuomo, who is teaming up with the rest of the northeastern governors to coordinate the response to coronavirus that's MIA like Trump's brain. (The western governors are doing that too.)

Andrew Cuomo ain't give a shit about Trump. And he's not about to allow Trump to do some half-cocked RE-OPEN THE COUNTRY WITH A BANG! thing to New York if that would put New Yorkers in danger. And if Trump doesn't like it, what's he gonna do? Drive a bunch of tanks into Manhattan and force everybody to go to Mellow Mushroom for happy hour? Fuck off.


Cuomo went on all the TV chat shows this morning before his daily presidential press conference, the daily press conference that actually makes people feel better, even when the news is bad, because at least somebody is paying attention. On "Morning Joe," Cuomo said nobody in their right damn mind should be watching Trump's daily corona-lingus pressers, and that if it wasn't literally a matter of life and death, it would be funny, like a common "Saturday Night Live."

Andrew Cuomo brutally smacks down Trump's daily briefings: 'No value -- could be a comedy skit' www.youtube.com

CUOMO: No, a governor should not watch that. There's no value in it. [LAUGHING] It is infuriating and offensive, and, frankly, ignorant of the facts. You know, the president stood up and said, 'Forget the Constitution of the United States, forget the concept of federalism.' To hear a Republican stand up there, by the way, and argue big government and total authority of the federal government is somewhat amusing. You know, If it wasn't so serious, it could be funny, all of this, it could be a comedy skit.

It's true, if you completely forget that American bodies are piling up by the tens of thousands because of Donald Trump's malevolent incompetence, it is pretty funny.

Cuomo went on CNN and kept pushing back against Trump's declaration of kingship, noting that we have a Constitution, not a king, and if you want to watch Andrew Cuomo videos all day long, how you spend your corona corn'tine is up to you.

Gov. Andrew Cuomo: We have a constitution, not a king www.youtube.com

Later, in Cuomo's daily presser, the governor responded to Trump's whinyass tweets this morning with an extended riff on a poster he saw in grade school. After describing the tie he wore as a school child and the belt he wore as a school child and probably how pretty his third grade teacher was, we dunno, GET TO THE POINT, CUOMO, he said the poster said, "Suppose they gave a war and nobody came." What he was saying is that President Clown-Baby is clearly "spoiling for a fight," but Cuomo isn't going to waste his energy on that.

But, reporters asked, if Cuomo is not in the mood for a fight, why did he go tell Mika Brzezinski that Trump was a DumbStupid McSaturdayNightLive? Cuomo simply noted that he's not about going to let Trump declare himself king without correcting the president, saying "[Trump's] statement that he has total authority over the states and the nation cannot go uncorrected." He added that if Trump did somethin' REAL stupid and tried to endanger New Yorkers' lives, he'd have "no choice" but to have that fight.

But for now, PFFFFFFFT.

Andrew Cuomo is busy, Donald Trump. Get out of his fucking face.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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