Penis pumps are no laughing matter; every year they are responsible for a host of unspeakable tragedies, like the time that one dingus got his balls stuck in one. This story therefore deserves to be treated with the utmost solemnity and respect, so of course that's what we'll do. HAHAHA JK, WE GON' MAKE SOME DING-A-LING JOKES.


The dispute over the penis pump in question began when a "disgruntled shopper" walked into a sex shop called Viva Video, in St. Paul, Minnesota, and demanded his money back for a pneumatic dong rocket he claimed was not working properly. The clerk declined to honor a return because the dude done put his dick in it (the specific term the local news used was "operator error," which is the single greatest usage of that phrase that has ever happened, so kudos). This seems eminently reasonable to yr Wonkette -- after all, usage is going to have a pretty deleterious effect on the resale value of your average hyperbaric schlong repository.

This is when the unsatisfied customer took the reasonable step of whipping it out -- a handgun, we mean, which he pointed at the clerk's head, like you do. It's unclear what happened next, but ultimately, the suction enthusiast fled from the premises sans a new bratwurst vacuum, presumably to go hook up a Hoover WindTunnel to a garden hose somewhere. Police are now treating the crime as felony aggravated assault with a firearm.

Look, any red-blooded, right-thinking American knows the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with an enormous double-headed dildo. If only those damned Minnesota liberals hadn't instituted their freedom-hatin' dildo control measures, someone would've stopped this dangerously empumped individual at the scene of the crime. Now, more sex shops are sure to face his rage as he continues his faintly sticky, tragically underwhelming crime spree across the country.

[The Smoking Gun / Fox9]

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