Ann Coulter Still Getting On TV Somehow

You almost (relax, we said almost) have to pity Ann Coulter, the once semi-relevant "author" and "columnist" whose brand was being The Hot Conservative Chick, with the long blonde hair and little black dresses -- oh, and the obnoxious things she's always willing to say to get her name in the paper. She used to have slightly more pull on the Wingnut Welfare Circuit, before the greatest lady grifter of all time snowdrifted down to the lower 48 to seize The Hot Conservative Chick crown with her Neiman Marcus wardrobe and her starburst-inspiring winking, pretty much permanently putting baby Ann in a corner. (Coulter's various dalliances with voter fraud -- actual voter fraud -- certainly didn't help her reputation.)

Every now and then, though, one of her old pals takes pity on her and lets her look into the camera and spew some garbage and flash those legs and flip that hair before receding once again into the dark basement where she pounds out her now barely syndicated columns fewer and fewer papers are willing to publish.

Tucker Carlson, who's had his own struggles remaining relevant, invited Coulter onto his Fox News show (they let him have the weekend slot, which is nice) to flash some skin and say some stuff. Carlson opened by whining, "Democrats are putting issues like women’s rights, abortion, racism in the spotlight. Is that what this election is really about?" And Ann Coulter delivered exactly the kind of incoherent idiocy for which she has always been known but can no longer draw the same kinds of big crowds.

COULTER: I hope it’s about Obamacare and Obama’s executive amnesty. I mean, unfortunately, as I’ve said before, I think the waivers have worked. People haven’t focused on it, other than the 1 percent of self-employed like me. And Fox ran that fabulous special again --

CARLSON: The waivers on Obamacare?

COULTER: On Obamacare.

Oh, if only more Americans had watched the Fox News special on Obamacare and still shook their furious fists of fury about death panels and forced abortions and how "socialized" health care, which in no way actually resembles socialized health care as the rest of the world understands it, is a quick slippery slope to the Holocaust. None of that came to pass, of course, which hasn't stopped conservatives from trying, dozens of times, to undo what has been done because it still might happen one of these days. (It won't.)

In an interesting twist of Isn't It Ironic?, the one party that has suddenly embraced imprisoning people who may or may not or definitely do not have Ebola and sticking them in a tent (possibly from FEMA, although unknown) for the good of the "collective" is in fact the same party who for years has been warning that the Affordable Care Act empowers the executive branch to round up innocent Americans and send them off to FEMA re-education camps for the good of the collective, but in a bad way. Alas, so many spoons on your wedding day.

Tucker and Ann share a tragic laugh about how Americans are not focused on Obamacare, as they should be, and then, without a hint of self-awareness, Tucker complains:

Everywhere I turn, every debate I look at, every spot I see from the Democratic side, it’s all about birth control and abortion. Are those the big issues that will define America’s future?

We'd hate to sound like those smug know-it-all types, but it would be irresponsible not to point out that birth control is actually related to Obamacare. Here, let us remind you of one of the tremendous benefits of Obamacare:

That chart right there? That's Obamacare. That's all the money that all the ladies are saving on basic health care they all use, and have always used, even before Republicans decided birth control violates the First Amendment. But we are guessing that when conservatives like LBD Ann and No-longer bow-tied Tucker say they wish the election were more focused on Obamacare, that's not exactly what they mean. Just a guess.

Ann, do you have any more deep thoughts to share with us about the Democrats and their unfair electoral strategy before it's time to go to commercial and send you away again until some newer fresher face cancels a Fox appearance at the last minute?

The Democrats don’t care. If they can get the bottom 51 percent of voters, in terms of knowledge and IQ, they’re perfectly happy. I can fool 51 percent of the people, that’s enough to win.

How getting a majority of the vote of the country is supposed to be a bad thing -- hey, it's more than George W. Bush won in 2000, AHEM -- is utterly beyond us. That is the point of elections, last time we checked: winning a majority of votes. But as Republicans are always telling us, for the ladies, Math Is Hard.

It's not just Democrats and their obsession with the wrong parts of Obamacare that conservatives would rather not discuss that chaps Ann Coulter's hide. She's also displeased with the parts of the Republican Party that are not her.

"But I think we can do without the tea partiers and libertarians," she says. "That’s going to hurt Republicans in some races." Take away the teabaggers and the libertarians, and who's left? Really, we'd love to know. Because last time we checked, that pretty much sums up the party now. Except for John Boehner, who is not really a teabagger nor a libertarian so much as simply a hostage of his own caucus, which absolutely refuses to allow him to compromise on anything. We're pretty sure that's not the ideal Republican Ann Coulter has in mind. Oh, but there is one Republican she seems to admire:

And you see that the guy who had the toughest election this year, the toughest assignment of all, is Scott Brown, and he is tied. He is running against a longtime senator. He ought to get an award. If he were running in any of the other contestants’ states, he’d win. But he has the toughest assignment.

Thank you, Ann Coulter, for completely undermining your own argument in the span of -- what was that? Thirty seconds? Scott Brown was supposed to be the great Tea Party Hero who was going to go to Washington D.C., singlehandedly repeal Obamacare, and lead the Republican Party into the promised land. But that was back when he was from Massachusetts, and now that he's from New Hampshire, he's an "independent pro-choice Republican." Not that he wants to talk about being pro-choice -- because his entire record proves that he isn't -- but he sure does keep bringing it up, like he's some kind of Democrat who can't stop talking about abortion and birth control. Weird, that.

But hey, if that's the kind of guy who can save the Republican Party (again), so be it. And if he deserves a Hero Award, well, we're pretty sure he knows exactly where to find them. Since handing out "Good for you for being a lady, you're a real hero!" plaques didn't exactly boost his popularity with the women, we imagine he'll have a few left over after Election Day. Maybe he can even send one to Ann Coulter.



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