CNN has big news! A "Democratic source" has told the jejune news network that the Democratic Party willroll out "a major announcement Wednesday about the future of the party," delivered in a speech by Tim Kaine at George Washington University. The speech is said to "excite Democrats across the country," so be sure to wear pants that won't reveal the constant Boehner you will have down there tomorrow, libtards. So what will this AMAZING announcement be that CNN just knows will completely redefine the modern American political party system as we know it?

Here are the possible announcements:

• Tim Kaine got engaged to Markos Moulitsas!
• The party will go online-only. Democratic public officials will conduct all official business on Club Penguin.
• They're merging with the Republican Party, pending antitrust approval. Newt Gingrich will be appointed president of the new single-party government.
• Hackers broke into Dick Cheney's heart software and killed him. Suddenly, all the Taliban in Afghanistan disappeared into thin air and 90% of the nation's unemployed were handed new, well-paying jobs.
• Pizza party!
• Democrats will finally show some backbone and stand up for what it believes the country needs.

Whoops, how'd that last one get in there? No, that's definitely not the announcement. [CNN]