Anthony Weiner No Longer Sick In The Dick, Thanks To Horse-Fondling School
Amidst all the terrible news befalling our once-great nation, it's easy to forget that this all started because gross Anthony Weiner couldn't stop sending dick pics to minor children. Now we know that at no time during this week have you said to yourself, "Wonder how Weiner's holding up!" But unfortunately, we have an answer to the question you did not ask, and it comes in the form of the picture you see above, published by the New York Post.
Yes, according to the Post, Weiner is off getting his wing-wang treated for sex addiction at the Recovery Ranch in Nunnelly, Tennessee, and one of ways he's healing is by straddling that there horsey and trotting around and definitely not getting a boner from any of it. Oh Lord, thou hast set him free, with the scientific method of Horse-Fondling!
Weiner ... looked pensive as he meandered through the trees at the expansive ranch.
But he turned decidedly glum when approached by The Post and asked for comment. He refused to say a word before riding slowly off.
Do not interrupt a man who went to see a man about a horse, and now wishes to stroke his strong, throbbing horse in peace.
[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/494785/you-are-not-gay-anymore-thanks-to-horse-fondling-school"></a>[/wonkbar]We would not be telling you about this if it didn't remind us so much of a story we wrote back in 2012, when we were a much younger Wonkette, about a place called the Cowboy Church Of Virginia, what taught gay homosexuals how to redirect their dick-loving urges toward the luscious manes of the world's sexxxiest horses. The idea was that if you fondle horses on their bodies, you will become more masculine and therefore no longer wish to be at the bottom of a puppy pile of naked men, like all the gays do.
To refresh you:
Unfortunately, the proper methods for using horse-fondling to relieve yourself of gayness are not provided, so please don’t try this with your own personal horse. You can’t just walk out in the pasture and pocket-rocket to third base with the first whinnying love machine you see. For one thing, you will get bitten or stomped on. No, this requires the work of licensed professional heterosexual romance therapy horses, and the men of God who offer them up for gay men to jerk them off or whatever, I don’t understand how Jesus therapy works.
Yes! And from the looks of the Recovery Ranch's website, this sort of equine psychotherapy is part of what goes on there. We don't know if Anthony Weiner's raging filth-rod is being treated by the horses known as "Pistol," "Little Man," or "Pepper Jack," as it's kind of hard to match the horsey Weiner gallantly sits atop in that picture with the horseys in the ranch's gallery of therapy horses, none of whom appear to have gone to college to become sex therapists. We can see on the website, though, that this is what Weiner is doing for at least part of his day:
Equine therapy involves caring for and interacting with horses in ways that provide valuable lessons in accountability and in how we relate to others.
Horse-fondling. Presumably he's not getting the horseys' Obamaphone numbers so he can sext them later on, when sex perv camp is over. (UNLESS HE IS.)
Now, don't worry, horse-fondling isn't the ONLY thing Anthony Weiner is doing to recover from his little problems. Weiner can also do group therapy and and go zip-lining, and there's even a sweat lodge, where he can sweat the bad fucks away.
The horse-fondling will obviously be what cures him, though, just kidding he will never be cured, the end.
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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