Antonin Scalia Tells Grads: Always Be Yourself, Unless You Are Hitler

Oh, Justice Scalia, what would the Supreme Court do without you? It's such a comfort to know that a brilliant, HILARIOUS legal mind like yours is adjudicating America's Most Important Questions. Scalia spoke at his grandbaby's high school graduation and thought the kids might enjoy a fun joke, about Hitler:

“Never compromise your principles,” Scalia said, “unless of course your principles are Adolf Hitler’s, in which case you would be well advised to compromise them as much as you can.”

That's right, kids, if your classmates voted you Most Likely To Gas Jews, you probably need a priority check, but otherwise you're good. Thanks, Scalia!

Scalia also seized the opportunity to drop some bona fide creationist knowledge on the unsuspecting kids:

“Class of 2015, you should not leave Stone Ridge High School thinking that you face challenges that are at all, in any important sense, unprecedented,” he said. “Humanity has been around for at least some 5,000 years or so, and I doubt that the basic challenges as confronted are any worse now, or alas even much different, from what they ever were.”

Adam and Eve solved problems in the Garden Of Eden, about 5000 years ago, because they were the first people, and they WERE TOO real. For instance, Eve was trying to decide which fig leaf to use to wash her hoo-ha one day, a problem that needed solving, when a rude snake convinced her to disobey God and make her man eat all the forbidden fruit. It's in the Bible, which is the only history book a kid needs.

Think Progress rudely points out that, according to science, Homo sapiens (that's what you people are, not sure about Scalia) have been around for 100,000 years or so, and that we as a species had been evolving from monkeys for a whole lotta years before that. TP also notes that, even among Catholics, Scalia is A Idiot; the pope himself acknowledges the reality of evolution.

At least we now have clarification on Scalia's comments during the lesbogay marriage hearings, of just how many "millennia" people have been opposite marriage-ing each other: The answer is FIVE.

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Shall we play a game of "let's remember some other dumb words what's fallen out of Antonin Scalia's mouth?" Sure, why the hell not, it's Friday:

  • That time he lost his ever-loving shit during a hearing, when confronted with the idea that Christian crosses might not be the best war memorials, for Jewish people:

    “I don’t think you can leap from that to the conclusion that the only war dead the cross honors are the Christian war dead,” thunders Scalia. “I think that’s an outrageous conclusion!”

  • That time he was certain torture is effective, because he saw Jack Bauer do it on "24."
  • That time he said judges shouldn't be making decisions about "homosexual sodomy" and abortion, because that kind of thinking was what got us into the Holocaust!
  • Remember when Scalia said that the Constitution doesn't require the separation of church and state, despite the fact that it clearly does? No, YOU'RE stupid.
  • This shit: "“If we cannot have moral feelings against homosexuality, can we have it against murder? Can we have it against other things?”
  • The Devil is a real being, and he's really grown out of his "force pigs to commit suicide" phase, because he's getting smarter:

    "You know, it is curious. In the Gospels, the Devil is doing all sorts of things. He’s making pigs run off cliffs, he’s possessing people and whatnot. And that doesn’t happen very much anymore. [...] It's because he's smart."

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Well that was fun, good game, Nino! We'll be seeing you next time you say or write something stupid, so a few weeks from now.

[Washington Post viaThink Progress]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.


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