Did Two Syphilitic Raccoons Just F*ck Each Other To Death In The Rose Garden, Or Was That Just Trump's Brain?

OMG everyone, Donald Trump has announced for the first time, after several months of sitting on his thumbs and whining, that there's a NATIONAL EMERGY at the border, so quick! Everybody wave your hands around like something is happening!

Trump, as expected, made the announcement in the Rose Garden this morning, because this is his only play left after Nancy Pelosi kicked his ass multiple times, he shut down the government for 35 days, and then even congressional Republicans told him to fuck off, because nobody cares about the hysterical hallucinations that emanate from the president's asshole and tell him he needs WALL. Will his NATIONAL EMERGY declaration work? Who knows, maybe, probably not. (Wonkette explored that here!)

But let us just say that Trump's news conference this morning was batshit, even for him. It was like two old raccoons with syphilis engaged in a mating dance to the death, except wait NOPE, that was just the president's brain, which seems more broken than usual today. Thank God he's flying to Mar-a-Lago this afternoon to get some rest, relaxation and tee time, you know, because that's what presidents do during NATIONAL EMERGIES.

What was clear during the presser was that Trump was VERY frustrated, and his brain was VERY addled, and he simply did not come across like the healthy six-foot-three 243-pounder his doctor presented to America in the very laughable "results" of his recent physical. He knows he lost, but he's not on the "acceptance" stage of grief for WALL yet. He knows he didn't get hardly any money for WALL, and he's still clinging to the illusion that NATIONAL EMERGY will help him find money for WALL, but he sort of also knows that it's going to be tied up in the courts forever, probably until after inauguration day in 2021, at which point President Kamala Harris will cancel all the lawsuits, because fuck Trump is why. But worry not, Trump supporters with combined IQs of 77! Trump has already "done a lot of wall for the election!" Seriously, you can go see it right now! It is at border! What, you cannot see it? Oh, that is just because it is invisible, just like F-35 airplane!

Trump talked for a while, then he took questions for a while. And during the event, he admitted that there is no NATIONAL EMERGY, that he "didn't need to do this," but just wanted to, because reasons.

So that video will see Trump in court!

We will now attempt to give you a run-on sentence summary of Trump's announcement of NATIONAL EMERGY. If it's an exact quote, we will put "quotation marks" around it, as is customary in the English language.

Dearly beloved, I am doing a good trade deal to China right now in my pants, nobody said I could do it, but I'm doing one, "so that's happening," we have re-established trade relations with the UK, we winned ISIS, many other unbelievable things, literally unbelievable, Kim Jong-Un, I believe everything he says, no rockets, no rockets, YOU ARE THE ROCKETS, "I'm in no rush for speed," we got the REMAINS back, I love REMAINS from North Korea, I love Kim Jong-Un, I also believe everything Vladimir Putin tells me about rockets. Tremendous!

Today I will say NATIONAL EMERGY, not because campaign promise, but because WALL and also drugs and Nancy Pelosi says drugs come through the port of entry and Nancy Pelosi says WALL stupid but Nancy Pelosi wrong and if you have WALL then when drugs come through border they can't come through border anymore, or if they do, they have to turn left, or maybe right, or maybe go El Paso, but El Paso has WALL, El Paso had MURDER, except no El Paso murder now because WALL, Israel have WALL, Israel WALL good, big drugs, "human traffic, girls," women with "tape in their mouth," they don't go to ports of entry because how can you put ladies with "tape in their mouth" in the backseat and go to border because our border agents will just say HELLO LADY WITH TAPE IN HER MOUTH IN THE BACKSEAT.

Caravan, caravan, caravan, caravan, murder, murder, murder, murder, welcome to America, MURDER CARAVAN, need WALL, I will do NATIONAL EMERGY, all the presidents do NATIONAL EMERGY but nobody cares about it because guess other president's NATIONAL EMERGY not exciting like Trump NATIONAL EMERGY guess other presidents just bad at it.

Angel mom angel mom angel mom, everybody look at the new angel moms and dads, they are the families who are no different from the families of other murder victims in America except how they are willing to let me use their loved ones' deaths for political racism, thank you angel families, please stand up, oh boy, you are a new angel mom, ladies and gentlemen, look at the new 2019 version of Angel Mom right here!

Speaking of China, have you heard of opioids, I have heard about opioids, in China they murder drug dealers, in America drug dealers get a parking ticket, I want to kill drug dealers, GRRR ARGH "the penalty is death!" and this is why China trade deal is good, gonna talk about China a bunch now because I forgot why I am here.

NATIONAL EMERGY! Invasion! President Obama have NATIONAL EMERGY, he do good NATIONAL EMERGY to CARTELS, I like Obama, oh wait no I don't, Trump economy good, Democrat economy bad, Obama would have done the wars to North Korea, we have more people invading America than ever before, that is a lie but sometimes I am too stupid to know when I am lying.

ICE good, Democrats bad, no abolish ICE, more like UN-BOLISH ICE!

So WALL, I will do WALL, which is good because I already did WALL, look can you see it, it is beautiful WALL, all finished, but now I need WALL, Paul Ryan sucks, I get eight billion dollars and two billion dollars and one and a half billion dollars and I renovated WALL, and I built WALL, and "We need new WALL."

Oh no, I am upset now and I am gonna say it, nobody stop me, I am gonna say it, because I don't have WALL, and because there was whole Big Mac bites in my poops this morning and Ann Coulter is mad at me, therefore NATIONAL EMERGY, and this is an actual quote right here:

"We will have a national emergency, and we will then be sued, and they will sue us in the 9th Circuit, even though it shouldn't be there, and we will possibly get a bad ruling, and then we'll get another bad ruling, and then we'll end up in the Supreme Court, and hopefully we'll get a fair shake, and we'll win in the Supreme Court, just like the ban ... "

Yeah that's right, what Trump is saying is that he's a big loser who loses, and he's going to keep losing a lot, but he just hopes that after this gets tied up in court for 300 years, ultimately Brett Kavanaugh will boof a BIG OL' SHIT onto a scroll and call it an "opinion" in favor of him. But will John Roberts do that? Ha ha! That is the question!

Anyway, that's how Trump's rambling brain fart of a speech went. There were more words, including a thing about how the prime minister of Japan supposedly nominated him for the Nobel Peace Prize, which is just some CERTIFIED ANGUS ASS-KISSING if true, but we are tired of that fucking idiot's voice. You should watch the part where he's clearly upset that his WALL EMERGY declaration is just going to be in court forever and at the end of it, he still probably won't have WALL.

After that, he took questions from journalists and he got MAD and NBC News read his past tweets about Obama's executive overreach and how you're supposed to make deals with Congress, and President Art of the Deal got MAD MORE and said he DID get a good deal with Congress (he didn't) and that he's already built a lot of wall (nope), and at one point he threw some sudden shade at Ann Coulter:

"She's off the reservation, but anybody who knows her understands that."


Anyway, it was a good NATIONAL EMERGY and now the president of the United States must go take a nap and tickle his todger before he goes on vacay, IN JESUS'S NAME, GOD BLESS AMERICA, THE END.

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Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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