Are We There Yet? Ted Cruz FINALLY Shuts Up Whining About Obamacare

After sleeping and dreaming of Canadians stabbing our ears with nasal whining, we unfortunately woke up to Ted Cruz still rambling on the teevee, somewhat incoherently, about how Obamacare is the love child of a threesome between the Plague, Hitler's mustache, and Nickleback. Because we hate ourselves and love Our Glorious Reader all too much, we continued to listen.

Our first thought this morning was, 'Holy goatfucking shitmuffin, batman, Ted Cruz is STILL yapping from his facehole about Obamacare.' After another dose of mommyblogger's little helper, we continued to watch/listen. Here goes:

  • Obamacare is just like the Death Star now. And yes, Cruz did a creepy, nasally imitation of Darth Vader which likely made James Earl Jones stab himself in the vocal cords. We can totally see the similarities in a space machine designed to destroy planets and a law designed to give millions of people affordable health care. Apparently, they don’t teach analogies at Harvard.
  • Rand Paul has repeatedly talked about Obamacare being ‘forced down our throats.’ If it were to stop him from talking, we would gladly shove Dok Zoom’s dick down his throat instead.
  • Now he is quoting from the prophet Ayn Rand, peace be upon her. He is complaining that the media is focusing on the person giving the speech, not the content of the speech. We can certainly conclude the close connection of the two, in this case. The speaker is a dick, and the idea is a pile of shit.
  • Cruz is saying that any Republican who doesn’t stand with him is a giant pussy who wants to shove Obamacare down their constituents’ throats. Seriously, he is doing his best to alienate every fucking person in this town.
  • Oh, hai there, Oklahoma's Sen. Jim Inhofe! Blah blah, Hillarycare, old fart, climate change isn't real. You are still a giant bucket full of poo.
  • Fellow Republicans have taken to the twitters to support Ted Cruz. Others have taken to the twitters to be total dicks: Rep. Steve Stockman [TX] ‏@SteveWorks4You: "Ted Cruz stayed up all night to fight ObamaCare. Obama went to bed while Ambassador Stevens was being murdered." Winston Churchill went on the radio and rallied Britons during the Blitz. Steve Stockman went on Twitter and made crap analogies during a piece of political theater.
  • Once again, he is telling Republicans that they are either with Ted Cruz or with Harry Reid. If any GOP Senators vote to allow the funding bill to move forward, they are cowardly cowards who looooooovvvvvvveeeee Harry Reid.
  • David Vitter is back. From the view on CSPAN, we can't tell if he is wearing diapers or not. (No, that joke never, ever gets old.)
  • Conservatives are having a hissy-fit that the media is treating this not-a-filibuster different from Wendy Davis. Here's the difference: Wendy Davis filibustered a bill to the point that the bill could not be voted on during that session. Ted Cruz is talking a lot, but everyone knows that the votes will still take place at a pre-arranged time. Substance vs. Grandstanding. Also, pink shoes fucking rock.
  • Something about the Revolutionary War, firing our guns and the British kept a-coming, but there wasn't nigh as many as there was a while ago. Then, we fired once more, and they began to running, on down the Mississippi to the Gulf of Mexico. Or was that the War of 1812? We don't know -- we're pretty drunk.
  • Marco Rubio is back. He reminded us to take a drink of water. Thanks, Marco!
  • Dick Durbin (D-IL) wandered on to the Senate floor to argue with Ted Cruz. Durbin: GOP only wants to abolish Obamacare without a replacement, and will not work with Dems on making things better. Cruz: LALALALALALALALA -- Obamacare is awful and failed miserably even before it has really started, so there.
  • Cruz asking for unanimous consent on various proposals. He wants to finish up debating the funding bill by Friday afternoon, giving the House of Representatives more time to fuck around like a bunch of brain-dead hyenas and come up with maybe a way to fund the government or shut it down.
  • Cruz thanking all the staff that were forced to hang out ALL GODDAM NIGHT for a pointless rant/the longest political ad in history.
  • Sen. Reid and Ted Cruz are arguing on the Senate floor. Procedure, blah blah, unanimous consent, blah blah. There seems to be disagreement as to when Cruz will be done -- either at noon or at 1 pm. It looks like Cruz will take the coward's way out, and end at noon.
  • Alas, he did not speak for 525,600 minutes, nor did we measure his speech in love. In fact, he spoke for a total of 1,279 minutes, and we measured it in sips of booze, which, ironically, equaled 525,600 drinks.
  • After speaking for that long, Sen. Reid takes the floor to call the long long long long long long speech a "waste of time." Yep, we agree.

At this point, many are beginning to compare this not-a-filibuster to the longest filibuster in history, by Sen. Strom Thurmond (SC). However, we fail to see ANY similarities between speaking for many hours on the Senate floor to deny people the basic right to vote and speaking for many hours on the Senate floor to deny people basic health care. Other than the time spent talking, we don’t see a single similarity at all about fighting to deny people voting rights and fighting to deny people health care. However, we are hopeful that history will remember Ted Cruz in the same breath as the late Strom Thurmond, but only for the amount of time talking and nothing else, because there really isn’t any other comparison.


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