Are You Ready For Make-Up Sex With Mitt Romney, America?

America, are you ready to take a chance again? Are you ready to have the white-hot flames of passion lick at your nether regions? Are you pining for a real man who will sweep you off your feet? Are you wishing you'd never lost that lovin' feeling? Then America, you are so ready for the Mitt Romney resurgence. Yes, Mitt is back, baby, and he is blander than ever.

Romney has quietly sought kingmaker status in the GOP's fight for the Senate majority this fall and its quest to retake the White House in 2016. The effort at revival is fueling whispers about a third presidential run. But those closest to Romney suggest he's more interested in shaping party politics by lending his name and record-breaking fundraising machine to what he considers the next generation of electable conservatives.

"I don't think he's ever been more popular than he is today," said Spencer Zwick, who led a Romney campaign fundraising machine that raised more money than any Republican campaign in history.

Dude, you get that you just said that Mitt Romney is more popular now than 18 months ago when he was ACTUALLY RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT. That does not sound good, person that worked on Romney's campaign. You basically just said your guy sucked so hard during the actual campaign that he is more popular now that he is not running. Not exactly a ringing endorsement.

We're all having to hear about Mittens again in large part because he hosted some sort of low-rent conservative Aspen Ideas Festival/TED Talk From Hell late last week.

In Utah, Romney has billed his summit as an opportunity for a new generation of conservative thinkers and political leaders to strategize about the best path forward for the party and the country. No fewer than six potential 2016 GOP candidates made the trek to the Park City [sic], including Christie, Sens. Rand Paul, R-Ky., and Rob Portman, R-Ohio, Gov. Susana Martinez, R-Ohio, former Gov. Mike Huckabee, R-Ark., and Rep. Paul Ryan, R-Wis., who was Romney's running mate in 2012.

Good lord we would rather lick tar than listen to one minute of any of those people talk about anything. Perhaps Mittens was thinking if he assembles such a large pile of unlikable people he will seem awesome by comparison? Truly, the only thing worse than listening to any of these people talk would be going on any of the special outings they had.

Zwick says the highlights will include a shotgun outing with Romney's 2012 vice presidential pick, Wisconsin Rep. Paul Ryan, mountain biking with Ohio Sen. Rob Portman, and golfing with Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul. [...] The business community will be represented by former Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson, who will lead a hiking trip.

That must be some definition of "highlights" we were hitherto unaware of.

Even worse: the summit involved Joe Scarborough, who is apparently at the forefront of the Bring Mitt Back movement.

Minutes after the 2012 Republican presidential nominee welcomed his 300 guests, Joe Scarborough, the MSNBC host and former GOP congressman, urged them to begin a “Draft Romney” movement in 2016.

“This is the only person that can fill the stage,” Scarborough said at the opening-night private dinner, according to attendees.

Again, do we really need to point out that if your stage-filler is the guy that lost in 2012, you are not actually setting the bar very high? You don't see the Democrats saying John Kerry or Mike Dukakis are what the world needs now, thank god.

Maybe we shouldn't protest so much. A Mitt Romney run is likely a guaranteed win for the Democrats and, more importantly, a sure-fire win for Yr Wonkette, because we could have at least 20 solid months of mocking Mitt's stiff hair and stiff demeanor. Also, in that length of time, he's bound to fuck up again and talk about how rich people are better than poor people on at least a dozen occasions. Mitt today, Mitt tomorrow, Mitt forever.

[ CBS News / WaPo ]