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Not sure if this is the judge or not, we just found it on the internet.


Judging is real tough because sometimes you're just going about your day and saying "GUILTY!" and "IT'S SLAMMER TIME, MAURICE," but then you get distracted by all the OMG CUTE WHITE GUY BUTTOCKS that came through your courtroom for sentencing that day. And who among us hasn't been in that situation and thought, "Well that young man is just TOO HOT FOR PRISON," and invited him over to our house to bend over a lot, while "picking up aluminum cans"?

Let's visit Arkansas and learn about Cross County District Court Judge Joseph Boeckmann, who's into sexing the young white criminal guys, and who also by the way might have a wee child porn problem:

Boeckmann, a district judge since 2009, used his role as judge to seek "out young Caucasian male litigants," for the purpose of sexual relationships, the commission stated in its allegations. [...]

When litigants arrived to complete the required trash pickup, Boeckmann would take pictures of their buttocks as they bent over to work, the commission alleges.

"Upon the litigant presenting himself to Boeckmann's home or office, he then solicited sexual relations with these young men in exchange for reductions of or dismissals of their court fines and costs," Emily White, deputy executive director of the commission, wrote in the allegations report.

Oh for Josh Duggar's sake, that is NOT HOW YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO JUDGING. For serious, we understand, "Go pick up trash on the interstate, young whippersnapper who promises to do this NEVER AGAIN, right?" But we DO NOT understand "Hey stud, I got some dirty aluminum cans for you, RIGHT HERE IN MY PANTS." Because according to the official complaint, he usually had them pick up ALL THE CANS.

And where did he get them? Did he just rob his neighbors' recycling bins at night, creeping around like a raccoon with a boner?

And did he then wander the courthouse all day long fielding questions like, "Is that an empty 12-pack of Diet Dew in your pants, or are you just happy to see me?" until FINALLY an acceptably hot young (WHITE!) thug boy came along? "It's Go Time," he'd think to himself, and he'd unzip and begin the arduous task of pulling all the cans out of his penisballs area and throwing them all over the floor, being extra careful to make it look like the mess was already there to begin with.

These are all journalism questions that need to be asked.

Of course, it's grosser than just this pathetic display. The Arkansas Times reports:

One man charged with a misdemeanor said he allowed Boeckmann to photograph him clothed and unclothed for money. Additionally, he said he helped removed pornographic images from the judge's computer.

Uh huh. And WHY are we removing pornographic images, just curious? Could it have something to do with this other sentence in the Arkansas Times piece what mentions an "allegation that he had child pornography on a home computer"? Sounds like maybe!

Other allegations say he did judicial favors for the sister of a dude he was boning, and that one victim even lived with him, receiving presents like boats and cars, and all because he happened to end up in Judge Pervwad's courtroom.

"Picking up aluminum cans," though. That's a new one, and it will definitely have to go into the Hall Of Fame of hilarious sexytime euphemisms, along with:

  • "Lifting luggage," the reason that Family Research Council guy George Rekers said he bought a sexxxy rent boy from the internet. It was his bad back, that's all. He needed help throwing his own "luggage" in the air, mmhmm ayup.
  • "Exchanging documents," our new favorite thing, when those hetero Minnesota lawmakers got caught with their pants lit'rally down in a public park. What you are you two crazy kids doing down there? "Just 'xchangin' documents and stuff." US TOO.
  • "Having a wide stance," which is why all those gay sexers mistook poor former Sen. Larry Craig for somebody who wanted a little homo-sucky-sucky action in the bathroom stall.
  • "Loving America," like Newt Gingrich was doing when he was investigatin' Bill Clinton's jizz, and ALSO doing his own bad jizz to a lady what was not his wife.
  • "Hiking the Appalachian Trail," because Mark Sanford and EW.
  • Putting on diapers and sex-banging hookers and maybe asking them to do abortions on themselves, HAHA SORRY DAVID VITTER, guess that was less of a "euphemism" and more "your life story."

Anyway, what an uplifting story about a skeevy, nasty-ass judge with a perpetual boner for the young mens and also maybe a child porn problem, the end.

[Arkansas Online / Arkansas Times via RawStory]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

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