Armed Idiot Protects Oklahoma Gun Store From Muslims By Shooting Himself
How Not to Protect America
In Oktaha, Oklahoma, the owners of a local survivalist shop and gun range decided last week that it was high time to jump on the "Muslim-free zone" gravy train, because there's a whole lot of ISIS activity in the Muskogee County town (population 390). The owners of the "Save Yourself Survival and Tactical Gear" claim they immediately started receiving death threats -- not to mention free publicity -- from all over the world after putting up this simple sign in their store window:
We assume that some of those threats came from radical grammar Nazis incensed by the comma splice, but the danger was so clear to some folks that they decided to come on down to Oktaha and "guard" the store. Now someone just needs to guard the store from its guards, since one of them accidentally shot himself Tuesday.
Tell us more about the negligent discharge, "Oklahoma's Own" News On 6:
Sheriff Charles Pearson said the man dropped his gun and a bullet hit him in the arm. The sheriff did not identify the man or offer any other details about what happened [...]
"I saw several of those gentlemen out there yesterday," Pearson said. "The way they were holding their weapons, with the fingers on the triggers, you can tell a couple of these gentlemen have no idea about weapons safety. It's like the Clampetts have come to town," Sheriff Pearson told muskogeenow.com.
Well, isn't that so typical of your law enforcement attitudes, blaming the responsible gun owners instead of the REAL terrorists, however imaginary they may be. Also, "It's like the Clampetts have come to town" needs to be included in every story about this sort of half-assed militia effort ever written in the future.
In another story on the brave patriots guarding the survivalist boutique from its mostly notional enemies, MuskogeeNow spoke to one of the self-appointed protectors of freedom (though not necessarily his or others' fleshy parts):
One such volunteer, who would only say his name was Eagle One and that he was from Oklahoma, said he has nothing against Muslims.
"I am a combat veteran," he said. "I will fight to the death for someone's right to practice whatever religion they want to. I'm not here because of that. I'm here because when people start resorting to violence, we can't allow that."
His refusal to give his name, he said, was to protect his family and friends from receiving similar threats.
"Don't paint us as ignorant hillbillies," he said. "We just believe in people's constitutional rights, and we're here to make sure they get them."
Yes, "Eagle One." We have to wonder how many military cosplaying militia dudes have chosen that highly original codename for themselves. And what happens when two of them show up to the same display of armed wingnuttery?
We imagine that once they've hosed the blood off the sidewalk, the next step for Save Yourself Survival and Tactical Gear will be to enlist the help of George Zimmerman, who we bet would be happy to paint something ugly for them.
Doktor Zoom's real name is Marty Kelley, and he lives in the wilds of Boise, Idaho. He is not a medical doctor, but does have a real PhD in Rhetoric. You should definitely donate some money to this little mommyblog where he has finally found acceptance and cat pictures. He is on maternity leave until 2033. Here is his Twitter, also. His quest to avoid prolixity is not going so great.