Army 2, Air Force 1: A Thrilling Contest To See Who Can Be The Absolute Worst About Sexual Assault


Remember November, when there were like one million gun tragedies in a row and we kept writing about them until we had horrible gun tragedy fatigue and said fuck it, because there's only so many times you can write about dead kids before your soul hurts? That was...what is the opposite of fun? But hey! We're getting that same opportunity for repetitive sadness and outrage fatigue thanks to the military's parade of horribles that they placed in charge of sexual assault initiatives. Lucky!

10 days ago, the Air Force kicked off the party with Mr. Sexually-Assaults-Ladies-In-Parking-Lots. Many people noted at the time, yr Wonkette included, that maybe this just wasn't a good career path for this dude, seeing as how he was in charge of sexual assault prevention for the entire military branch. Fast forward a whole whopping week and we had some sexual assault prevention officer for the Army crawl out from under a rock so he could be charged with not only sexually assaulting some (as in "more than one") ladies but also, too, forcing one of his subordinates into prostitution. Take that, you fucking wussy Air Force guys! Army guys sexually assault AND pimp ladies out. The Army sexual assault prevention fellows are so utterly bad at preventing themselves from assault that an entirely different guy did an entirely different bad thing!

The Associated Press reported Thursday night that Lt. Col. Darin Haas, the manager of the prevention program at Fort Campbell in Kentucky, turned himself into police on charges of stalking his ex-wife and violating a restraining order she had against him. According to a military source, Haas and his ex-wife had orders of protection against each other, and a police sergeant in Clarksville, Tennessee, reports that Haas contacted her repeatedly on Wednesday night, constituting a violation. Haas, who police say is engaged in a child custody battle with his ex-wife, reportedly spent 12 hours in jail and was released.

An Army statement indicated that Haas has been removed from his position in the sexual assault prevention office, and that he was due to retire soon.

We have pretty much reached peak terrible when merely -- MERELY -- violating your protective order seems like sort of a "meh" kinda thing to do because the other dudes actually stone cold assaulted women. Listen up armed services! Stop being so bad with the sexual assaulting, and stop picking the worst possible people to police the sexual assaulting, ok? Why not take a look at the Navy and the Marines...urgh. Nevermind. Don't go look at them. Just...just stop. We're out of funny things to say because even we have a finite amount of jokes about sexually assaulting people when you're the sexual assault prevention guys so knock it the fuck off.



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