Awwww, Big Man Donald Trump Thinks He Could Beat Joe Biden In A Fight!
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UH OH THERE ARE GOING TO BE FISTICUFFS! Friday, your vice president, Old Handsome Joe Biden, said while campaigning for Hillary that Donald J. Trump's treatment of women makes him want to beat the ever-loving fuck-spittle out of the Republican presidential nominee. Specifically, he said this:
The press always asks me, don’t I wish I were debating him. No, I wish we were in high school, I COULD TAKE HIM BEHIND THE GYM. That’s what I wish.
Biden would take Trump behind the gym and introduce him to his fists, "Camaro" and "Big Fuckin' Deal."
Then Monday, Biden "clarified" in Toledo by saying yeah, if he were in high school, that is what he would do!
I'm not going to say any more. No, I'll get myself in trouble and say something like I'd like to take him behind the gym if I was in high school. I mean, all kiddin' aside, wouldn't you? I mean, for real. Can you imagine a guy in a locker room talkin' that way, and your sister's out there watchin' the game? Not a joke. IF I WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL. I want to make it clear, I understand what assault is. I'm not in high school. IF I WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL. I used to have a temper in high school, I don't have a temper anymore, nothing ever bothers me.
Then Biden went like this:
Biden also "clarified" all of this on "Hardball" to Chris Matthews, who confirmed that he totally knows Biden wants to beat the shit out of Donald Trump.
Well, wouldn't you know it? That thin-skinned, tiny-ego, baby-handed puss-biscuit Donald Trump caught wind of all of this and WHOA HEY, BIG MAN SAYS HE COULD BEATED UP BIDEN TOO, BIG LEAGUE YOOGE.
Did you see where Biden wants to take me to the back of the barn? Me!
No, you stupid moron, he wants to take you behind the gym, not to the back of the barn. What even happens at the back of the fucking barn? Is Trump repressing a memory of getting the shit kicked out of him at the back of the barn?
He wants it. I'd love that. I'd love that! Mr. Tough Guy! You know, he's Mr. Tough Guy! You know when he's Mr. Tough Guy? When he's standing behind a microphone by himself.
Is Biden tough behind microphones because he knows how to use them without sounding like a coke addict?
He wants to bring me to the back of the barn, ohhhhhhhh. Some things you could really love doing.
Trump concluded by saying we should "knock out Hillary Clinton" (violence against women!) because she's "as crooked as a three-dollar bill," which is not even how that expression goes. AND SPEAKING OF THAT EXPRESSION, can we all agree Trump looks like the new gay interior designer cast member of "Duck Dynasty" when he's wearing that ridiculous camouflage hat? Just saying, and we are a gay homosexual, which means we are entitled to Just Saying.
Anyway, it's kind of ridiculous that 13 days out from the election, the vice president and the Republican nominee are having a testosterone fight about who can do fisticuffs behind the barn at the back of the gym the best. But it's really no more ridiculous than anything else that's happened this election cycle, is it?
Trump's dingus campaign manager Kellyanne Conway said it's "disappointing" that Biden is being such a "bully," or that he would "suggest violence the old-fashioned way." We'd say fair enough, except for how Biden's entire goddamn point is that if he were in high school, he'd STAND UP TO THE BULLY bragging about using his position of power to sexually assault women -- a thing Donald Trump did! It's on the tapes! -- by beating the shitfire out of him. We're just a-guessin' standing up to bullies in Joe Biden's high school didn't involve assemblies about people's feelings, followed by a healthy round of trust-falls.
So ... meh. Joe's gonna Joe.
But really, LOL to the idea that Donald Trump could beat Joe Biden in a fight, for reals! Keep telling yourself that, sport!
Evan Hurst is the managing editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.
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