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OK, so know that thing about how Donald Trump is in mad heterosexual bromance love with Vladimir Putin, and would suck his Russian balls in a heterosexual way if he could get away with it? Trump feels that way because 1) the heart wants what the heart wants and 2) he's under the mistaken impression Putin called him "brilliant" in the brainy way, when the truth is Putin called him "brilliant" in the "What an orange-y fuck-up he is!" way. Yep, there's a Russian word for that.

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/606985/hillary-clintons-temperament-cant-stop-giggling-at-unhinged-man-baby-donald-trump"></a>[/wonkbar]Well! Even though pretty much everyone agrees Hillary slayed Trump in Monday night's debate, Foreign Policy reports that one constituency seems to think Trump did a YOOGE TERRIFIC TREMENDOUS job, and it is Mother Russia:

A record number of Americans tuned to watch the debate on Monday night, but someone else was watching, too: the Kremlin media machine. It was the middle of the night in Russia, but the tweets kept coming, making it clear, as always, whose side the Kremlin is on in this election. At the very least, it shows exactly how smoothly Donald Trump’s policy positions dovetail with Moscow’s. Read between the lines, and it also shows what the Kremlin thinks about Hillary Clinton.

Foreign Policy tracked tweets from Kremlin-owned media and other sources that MIGHT AS WELL be the Kremlin, and it found tons of Trump-positive tweets, like "Trump: USA Shouldn’t Be World’s Policeman" and "Trump Declares that Russia’s Nuclear Potential is Greater than America’s." Nice stuff, if you are a Russian, we guess! Oh, and this:

Sputnik, an English-language news service wholly owned and controlled by the Kremlin, cites an expert named Wayne Madsen who says that Trump becoming president “is the only way we are going to see the end to the Syrian civil war.” (Because a President Trump would put an end to all American operations there, and would allow Putin and Bashar al-Assad to scorch and flatten the country into submission?) Who is Wayne Madsen? According to Wikipedia, “he has been described as a conspiracy theorist.”

[wonkbar]<a href="http://wonkette.com/605615/donald-trumps-russian-buddies-probably-so-excited-about-trumps-first-classified-intelligence-briefing"></a>[/wonkbar]Also, state-owned RT (formerly Russia Today), where Trump's possibly anti-American military adviser buttboy Michael Flynn is a contributor, just LOVED when Trump muddied the waters about who hacked into the DNC by saying maybe it was a 400-pound dude sitting on his bed, or maybe Barron Trump. A Kremlin-fellating Christian TV station in Russia reported that "Trump calmly and surely beat Clinton."

Awwwwww! All these Russians love him! Maybe Trump should move there and never stain our shores again.

Hey guess what? Here's a tweet that shows who really started that whole #TrumpWon hashtag doohickey:

Pure coincidence probably. Or maybe that is a really badly drawn map of St. Petersburg, Florida, with Russian letters all over it, which just goes to show ... something!

Make sure to read the whole Foreign Policy report (you know, if you wanna), because it is amusing.

MEANWHILE, ON THE FREEDOM-LOVING SIDE OF THE OCEAN, AHEM!

The tiny-handed fuckshow has been tweeting things like this since the debate ended:

Sad! Weak! Pathetic! Because these are the "polls" Trump is citing:

The polls that Trump is relying on let anyone vote with absolutely zero checks. If you’re online at the time and find the poll, you can vote. You don’t have to live in America or be a US citizen. And you can vote multiple times — by reopening a browser tab, going behind an internet proxy, or logging on to a different account.

In other words, an online horde of sister-boinking Trump supporters (in Alabama, Russia, or both) can vote one million times. Trump won ALL THOSE, yay Trump!

These are the polls Hillary Clinton is citing:

The polls Clinton is relying on ... use statistical controls to make sure the sample isn’t so skewed. They try to contact people that match the voting population — so they’ll try to ensure that a certain percent of respondents in the survey are white, black, Latino, Democrat, Republican, and so on. [...]

The CNN/ORC poll on Monday night was a scientific one. CNN acknowledged its sample of Democrats was a bit too high — since this was a poll taken quickly after the debate, the network and its pollster just didn’t have time to do better. Still, the win was overwhelmingly for Clinton — with 62 percent of voters who watched the debate saying that she won versus 27 percent saying the same for Trump.

CNN’s poll wasn’t the only scientific one to reach this conclusion. Public Policy Polling’s post-debate poll found that 51 percent of debate watchers said Clinton won, versus 40 percent who said the same of Trump.

PFFFFFT, "scientific polls" are #rigged, by #science. We should trust the snap polls, probably, the ones that people from 4chan and Reddit actually did get together to #rig for Muppet Anus Hitler.

Or maybe we should just trust all those smart Trump supporters! We bet his favorite virginal racists on the "alt-right" think their "Daddy Emperor" did real good, don't they? LOLOL, actually lots of them are admitting that Trump sucked boiled ass.

So, who can say who won the debate? Science and reality say Hillary Clinton sucker punched him in the nuts over and over again until he was crying for his mommy. Guess we'll never know!

[Foreign Policy / Vox]

Evan Hurst

Evan Hurst is the senior editor of Wonkette, which means he is the boss of you, unless you are Rebecca, who is boss of him. His dog Lula is judging you right now.

Follow him on Twitter RIGHT HERE.

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